Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !
Saturday, September 23, 2006
23rd September, Saturday : Quirky Headlines.....Actual ones #2
It’s Saturday and I am back with another set of actual headlines that make you wonder – would an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters left in a room with infinite time have done a better job?
Let’s start of with a real juicy one:
Corrections official sent to prison for sex with inmate
This is just the kind of story that restores your faith in the justice system.
Shooting reported at firing range
………and loud grunting reported at a Sharapova match…..what are they trying to say anyway?
Woman pleads guilty in fake penis case
Lorena Bobbitt apparently is not very impressed…..why play around with fake ones she says.
Found Guilty Evangelical Christian Navy Chaplain Says Hell Appeal
Proofread did someone before print it went to asks me.
Septic woes lick plans for Windermere ice-cream shop
You never ever want to read the words septic and ice cream in the same sentence…..
Police Hoping To Expose Serial Flasher
This has to be one of their easiest cases ever…..;-)
How a biweekly party for undressed gay men saved a children’s puppetry theater.
Sounds like a heartwarming story from a children’s bed time book written by Michael Jackson, doesn’t it?
Boks must kick the monkey
I don’t understand this one….do they have to actually kick the monkey? Can’t they just give it a gentle tap on the back or something?
Man stabbed with fish
OJ Simpson says – ‘It wasn’t me!!......... I use knives, remember??’
Dickies fights posterior exposure
Hehehehehehehehehehe
Let’s start of with a real juicy one:
Corrections official sent to prison for sex with inmate
This is just the kind of story that restores your faith in the justice system.
Shooting reported at firing range
………and loud grunting reported at a Sharapova match…..what are they trying to say anyway?
Woman pleads guilty in fake penis case
Lorena Bobbitt apparently is not very impressed…..why play around with fake ones she says.
Found Guilty Evangelical Christian Navy Chaplain Says Hell Appeal
Proofread did someone before print it went to asks me.
Septic woes lick plans for Windermere ice-cream shop
You never ever want to read the words septic and ice cream in the same sentence…..
Police Hoping To Expose Serial Flasher
This has to be one of their easiest cases ever…..;-)
How a biweekly party for undressed gay men saved a children’s puppetry theater.
Sounds like a heartwarming story from a children’s bed time book written by Michael Jackson, doesn’t it?
Boks must kick the monkey
I don’t understand this one….do they have to actually kick the monkey? Can’t they just give it a gentle tap on the back or something?
Man stabbed with fish
OJ Simpson says – ‘It wasn’t me!!......... I use knives, remember??’
Dickies fights posterior exposure
Hehehehehehehehehehe
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
20th September, Wednesday : Top Ten List # 5
Back with another Top 10 list today.
The topic under consideration is the recent demotion of Pluto from the status of a ‘Planet’ to its current classification as ‘Tennis ball’. The move was approved after a voting session involving over 400 astronomers at the meeting of the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Prague. As per the new definition of a planet, Pluto does not meet the required criteria and has been relegated to being a mere ‘Dwarf planet’. That is the official version. I think the real reasons are quite different.
So here goes.
The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....
The Top 10 reasons why I think Pluto was really demoted from its status of being a Planet-
10. Pluto was too funny a name for a planet.
9. According to Vaasthu Shastra, the Solar System should not have more than 8 planets.
8. It was caught flirting with the Sun from the next galaxy.
7. It was smaller in size than Roger Federer’s girlfriend.
6. As per posthumously revealed papers, it was Carl Sagan’s dying wish.
5. It has been identified as one of the conspirators in the ’93 Mumbai blasts trial.
4. It takes so long to complete a revolution around the Sun that even Stephen Hawking felt it was taking too much time moving around.
3. The new “definition” of a planet was created by the same guys who worked on the Office of Profit bill.
2. It failed a routine doping test after astronomers found extremely high levels of testosterone on its surface.
1. It refused to sing ‘Vande Mataram’ on Sep 7th like everybody else.
The topic under consideration is the recent demotion of Pluto from the status of a ‘Planet’ to its current classification as ‘Tennis ball’. The move was approved after a voting session involving over 400 astronomers at the meeting of the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Prague. As per the new definition of a planet, Pluto does not meet the required criteria and has been relegated to being a mere ‘Dwarf planet’. That is the official version. I think the real reasons are quite different.
So here goes.
The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....
The Top 10 reasons why I think Pluto was really demoted from its status of being a Planet-
10. Pluto was too funny a name for a planet.
9. According to Vaasthu Shastra, the Solar System should not have more than 8 planets.
8. It was caught flirting with the Sun from the next galaxy.
7. It was smaller in size than Roger Federer’s girlfriend.
6. As per posthumously revealed papers, it was Carl Sagan’s dying wish.
5. It has been identified as one of the conspirators in the ’93 Mumbai blasts trial.
4. It takes so long to complete a revolution around the Sun that even Stephen Hawking felt it was taking too much time moving around.
3. The new “definition” of a planet was created by the same guys who worked on the Office of Profit bill.
2. It failed a routine doping test after astronomers found extremely high levels of testosterone on its surface.
1. It refused to sing ‘Vande Mataram’ on Sep 7th like everybody else.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Headlines : 19th September, Tuesday
It was a damp and sultry day in Chennai. People were sweating like Popeye opening a can of spinach.
That’s right. Federal health officials in the US are trying to pinpoint the source of an E. coli outbreak that's sickened spinach eaters across the country. My own feeling is that if you are someone who is NOT in Abu Gharib and still eat spinach, then maybe the E.Coli isn’t your biggest problem here.
Btw, it looks as if the Pope might not be able to patch things up with the Muslims in spite of all his apologies. Hell, we can’t even get Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to kiss and make-up, can we?
Muslim communities everywhere are not happy with the Pope’s pacifying words so far and want him to apologise further. Well…..the Pope asked for it…… I don’t know why he can’t just stop with trashing the Jews like other celebrities…….
The Pope doesn’t know what more he can do here. He indignantly asks –‘Do they actually want to me become a goddamn Muslim or something?!?’
Did you hear this? The Pope will soon be releasing his autobiography. It’s been titled – ‘In the Line of Fire’. Oops…..wait a minute……this is Pervez Musharraff’s book, not the Pope’s……. Hehehehehe
In his address to the global leaders, UN Sec-Gen Kofi Annan spoke about the widespread contempt for human rights and dignity, lack of freedom, conflict and pain – and he was not just talking about the situation faced by the 14,000 prisoners in secret prisons maintained by the US military worldwide.
At the UN General Assembly meeting, the Iranian President has said that he will be looking to steer clear of George Bush and stay as far away from him as possible. When she heard this, Angela Merkel was going –‘Good thinking dude…….’
How about this? While the Thai PM is attending the UN Assembly meeting, the opposition party and the armed forces have staged a coup and attempted to seize power in Bangkok. It’s true what they say…..nothing good ever comes out of getting involved with the UN.
There’s political trouble in Hungary too after the PM was caught on tape admitting to a local news channel that his government "lied morning, evening and night" about the economy. Its just a gut feeling I have………….but I think he will soon claim that those were not his own words and he was quoting someone else.
Manmohan Singh described his meeting with Fidel Castro as ‘most memorable and satisfying’. And why not? He got a brand new box of Cuban cigars as a parting gift from Castro.
This is sick. Anna Nicole Smith has made more than $300,000 by selling the last pictures of her dead son. And today, Steve Irwin’s parents were going – ‘Damn, no one told us we could do that!!!!..........’
That’s right. Federal health officials in the US are trying to pinpoint the source of an E. coli outbreak that's sickened spinach eaters across the country. My own feeling is that if you are someone who is NOT in Abu Gharib and still eat spinach, then maybe the E.Coli isn’t your biggest problem here.
Btw, it looks as if the Pope might not be able to patch things up with the Muslims in spite of all his apologies. Hell, we can’t even get Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to kiss and make-up, can we?
Muslim communities everywhere are not happy with the Pope’s pacifying words so far and want him to apologise further. Well…..the Pope asked for it…… I don’t know why he can’t just stop with trashing the Jews like other celebrities…….
The Pope doesn’t know what more he can do here. He indignantly asks –‘Do they actually want to me become a goddamn Muslim or something?!?’
Did you hear this? The Pope will soon be releasing his autobiography. It’s been titled – ‘In the Line of Fire’. Oops…..wait a minute……this is Pervez Musharraff’s book, not the Pope’s……. Hehehehehe
In his address to the global leaders, UN Sec-Gen Kofi Annan spoke about the widespread contempt for human rights and dignity, lack of freedom, conflict and pain – and he was not just talking about the situation faced by the 14,000 prisoners in secret prisons maintained by the US military worldwide.
At the UN General Assembly meeting, the Iranian President has said that he will be looking to steer clear of George Bush and stay as far away from him as possible. When she heard this, Angela Merkel was going –‘Good thinking dude…….’
How about this? While the Thai PM is attending the UN Assembly meeting, the opposition party and the armed forces have staged a coup and attempted to seize power in Bangkok. It’s true what they say…..nothing good ever comes out of getting involved with the UN.
There’s political trouble in Hungary too after the PM was caught on tape admitting to a local news channel that his government "lied morning, evening and night" about the economy. Its just a gut feeling I have………….but I think he will soon claim that those were not his own words and he was quoting someone else.
Manmohan Singh described his meeting with Fidel Castro as ‘most memorable and satisfying’. And why not? He got a brand new box of Cuban cigars as a parting gift from Castro.
This is sick. Anna Nicole Smith has made more than $300,000 by selling the last pictures of her dead son. And today, Steve Irwin’s parents were going – ‘Damn, no one told us we could do that!!!!..........’
Monday, September 18, 2006
Headlines : 18th September, Monday
Hi people. Back after another break. Please accept my apology for not posting anything for the last 5 days. Am sorry guys. Really really sorry..............Wait a minute........am starting to sound like the Pope here, aint I? : - )
That’s right. The Pope has sincerely apologised to the Muslim community for making anti-islamic statements in a recent speech. The Pope feels that his words were misunderstood and misinterpreted. Lets see.........his exact quote was- '.....Mohammad brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things...'
Hmmm.....I don’t see how you can misinterpret this. Its pretty well phrased, isn’t it? Leaves no room for any doubt whatsoever. For once, I have a feeling the Muslims have a valid case.
I don’t know if the Pope and the guys at the Vatican should be worried but it seems Osama has already ordered for a couple of brand new Boeing-747s to be delivered ASAP.
The Pope's defense is that they were not his own words. He was only quoting someone else and would not have done it if he knew that it would create all this furore. I am sure that somewhere, Kavya Viswanathan is nodding her head understandingly.
But the Pope's apology has failed to placate Muslim communities and there have been lots of violent protests being carried out worldwide. Today, the Pope was going - ' Sheesh........I just said a few words.......it's not as if I drew a cartoon or something........'
M. Karunanidhi has been distributing free land and TVs and LPG stoves over the last few days dipping into the state’s finances to keep up his election promises. This sooooooo reminds me of the time Kevin Federline bought all his back-up dancer friends free beer using Britney’s credit card……
India's UN candidate for the UN - Shashi Tharoor - has a supporter in Manmohan Singh. The PM said that Tharoor is a strong character who can pull his own weight if he was handed a position of responsibility. Hmmm.......too bad he can’t say the same thing about himself, isn't it?
Popular British author JK Rowling has complained that airport security is too tight these days and its time consuming to get past all the checks. She has warned that if this continues, she might opt to go through terminal 9 3/4 at the Heathrow from now onwards......
An Iranian today became the world's first private woman space tourist as a Russian rocket carrying a US-Russian crew lifted off the Baikonur space centre. Ironically, the rocket the Iranian woman is flying in is powered by nuclear fuel.
Sports. The Sunfeast Open has begun in Mumbai today. Get mentally prepared to hear the clichés ‘Sania Mania’ and the ‘Swiss Miss’ a few million times over the course of the next week.
A controversial new study by a University of Western Ontario psychologist has claimed that men are really more intelligent than women. Well, I dont know how accurate the study is, but I can say this much - At least Adam did NOT go and let a stupid snake talk him to eating an apple........cant say the same thing about Eve, I am afraid.
That’s right. The Pope has sincerely apologised to the Muslim community for making anti-islamic statements in a recent speech. The Pope feels that his words were misunderstood and misinterpreted. Lets see.........his exact quote was- '.....Mohammad brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things...'
Hmmm.....I don’t see how you can misinterpret this. Its pretty well phrased, isn’t it? Leaves no room for any doubt whatsoever. For once, I have a feeling the Muslims have a valid case.
I don’t know if the Pope and the guys at the Vatican should be worried but it seems Osama has already ordered for a couple of brand new Boeing-747s to be delivered ASAP.
The Pope's defense is that they were not his own words. He was only quoting someone else and would not have done it if he knew that it would create all this furore. I am sure that somewhere, Kavya Viswanathan is nodding her head understandingly.
But the Pope's apology has failed to placate Muslim communities and there have been lots of violent protests being carried out worldwide. Today, the Pope was going - ' Sheesh........I just said a few words.......it's not as if I drew a cartoon or something........'
M. Karunanidhi has been distributing free land and TVs and LPG stoves over the last few days dipping into the state’s finances to keep up his election promises. This sooooooo reminds me of the time Kevin Federline bought all his back-up dancer friends free beer using Britney’s credit card……
India's UN candidate for the UN - Shashi Tharoor - has a supporter in Manmohan Singh. The PM said that Tharoor is a strong character who can pull his own weight if he was handed a position of responsibility. Hmmm.......too bad he can’t say the same thing about himself, isn't it?
Popular British author JK Rowling has complained that airport security is too tight these days and its time consuming to get past all the checks. She has warned that if this continues, she might opt to go through terminal 9 3/4 at the Heathrow from now onwards......
An Iranian today became the world's first private woman space tourist as a Russian rocket carrying a US-Russian crew lifted off the Baikonur space centre. Ironically, the rocket the Iranian woman is flying in is powered by nuclear fuel.
Sports. The Sunfeast Open has begun in Mumbai today. Get mentally prepared to hear the clichés ‘Sania Mania’ and the ‘Swiss Miss’ a few million times over the course of the next week.
A controversial new study by a University of Western Ontario psychologist has claimed that men are really more intelligent than women. Well, I dont know how accurate the study is, but I can say this much - At least Adam did NOT go and let a stupid snake talk him to eating an apple........cant say the same thing about Eve, I am afraid.
