Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !

Today was a cloudy day in Chennai. People were eagerly looking up to the heavens in anticipation. Like Californian's scouring the sky for missiles from North Korea.

This is the latest worry for Bush. North Korea has developed ballistic missiles that can reach as far the west coast of the US. Hmmmm....looks as if Diwali could come a bit earlier for the millions of Indians living in the Silicon Valley.

George Bush has urged Iran to act and respond faster on the nuclear offer given to it. Rightly so. If there is one country that knows about doing things quickly, it is the US. Look at Iraq.............how quickly they have got things under control in there..........it’s just been plain sailing all the way :-)

While on the subject, more bad news for the US. 8 US army servicemen have been charged with the murder of an Iraqi civilian. Specifically, they have been accused of premeditated murder, kidnapping and conspiracy.Hehehe..........no wonder the war in Iraq is taking for ever to end.......the US needs 8 trained personnel to plot the murder of 1 innocent civilian. Controlling all the local rebels and terrorists........how long will THAT take? Just forget it...........

The Saddam trial. A shock development. Saddam's trial lawyer has been shot dead. Saddam says he has no idea why someone would do this.........really dude? No idea at all? Really?

As a sign of protest against the murder, Saddam is going to go on a hunger strike. Plus, he says the jail food is not that good. That was a factor as well apparently.

Someone clever is organising a Tirukkural Festival 2006 in Chennai. Good luck with that. Seriously, how boring a concept is this? Today, the organisers received a message from the beyond. It was Tiruvalluvar. His soul wants to be excused from attending the event.

In our country, what’s the difference between a Jumbo Jet plane and a TVS-50 bike?
You definitely need a proper license to drive the TVS-50.

That’s right. Many Airways are recruiting students without a pilot's license due to the shortage of trained pilots in the country. Don’t be surprised the next time you are in a flight and it gets delayed because the Captain still has to read the last 2 pages of the pilot's manual. 'We are sorry for the delay but the Pilot is reading as fast he can. We will take off as soon as he is done. Fingers crossed. Bon voyage ladies and gentleman'.

On the positive side, the Indian Air Force is planning to gauge the stress levels of it's pilots and find out if they are over-worked or not. If they are, the IAF is going to ask the School Principals to give the "pilots" less homework from now on.

Rahul Dravid has now completed 10 years of international cricket with the Indian team. Wow........that’s quite a feat. As far as I know, he is only Bangalorean who has stuck on to the same job for more than 6 months.

A new study has revealed that smoking can affect the brain and lead to lowered IQ levels. Come on now..........these are people who repeatedly read the ‘Smoking is injurious to health' warning and carry on smoking........how much lower can their IQ really get anyway ??

Angelina Jolie is going to make her first appearance on TV after the birth of her child. On the talk show 'Anderson Cooper 360'. But only on one condition. At the end of the show, she wants to adopt Anderson and give him a weird African name of her choice.

The following article by Srivats :-)

Indian UN head hopeful is going to find it tough to become the top man. Generally as a thumb rule the post is reserved for people with a funny name from a small country. Like Bourtros Bourtros Ghali from Egypt who was emptied from his office by US or Dag Hammarskjöld from Poland who died in a plane crash.

Hi there........... If you are reading this blog, you are definitely a good-for-nothing. A loser. Get the F#@k off this site!!

I am sorry if I was a bit rude there.......really sorry.............it's probably because I just came back from my vacation in Bombay : - )))

Thats right. A new study by Reader's Digest has revealed that Bombay is the rudest city in the world. As an illustration, they say if you try asking a passing car for a lift, the driver just spits at you and carries on driving. And I am not just talking about Sachin in his imported Ferrari here........apparently everyone in the city is like that.

And if you thought things are rude now, it’s just gonna get a lot worse soon. When the Mumbai Metro service is inaugurated today evening. Can you picture that? Millions of office-workers trying to cram into a tiny compartment? Ho ho ho......you ain't seen nothing yet .......it’s gonna get plenty rude in Bombay in the coming days.

Surprisingly, the same study says that New York is the politest city in the world. But only if you don't count the office floor where Donald Trump and his cronies are filming 'The Apprentice', that is..............Apart from this loathsome bunch, NY has the nicest people in the world.

And it’s not just the people. Even God's other creatures are nice to each other in NY. Can you think of any other place where both CATS and rats have flourished together for such a long time?

Getting back to the regular news...............

A hot day in North India today. People were sweating like the HR Manager in Microsoft checking his Inbox for resignation mails.

This is funny.........following Bill Gates and Robert Scoble, there is another high profile resignation at MS. This time, it is Martin Taylor, chief market strategist. I am thinking that this mass exodus is doing little to bring the elusive Vista release date any forward.

The Iraq situation. Japan is going to withdraw its troops from Iraq. Ditto for Australia. India is also considering doing the same. With all the bombings and ambush attacks, our soldiers feel they are much safer in Kashmir with their old friends, the Lashkar-e-Toiba.

A study has revealed that rich are getting more and more richer in Developing countries like India. Well, sure.........quite possible........if you don’t bother paying your taxes. Like the Big B.

You know whats the difference between Rahul Mahajan and the Big B?
Rahul has at least paid his debts to society.

Did you know that today is the longest day in the North India? Yes, it actually is. And trust me, it will seem even longer if you are sitting in your house without power the whole day. Like they are in Rae Bareli these days.

Now cinemas in Jharkandh are refusing to screen 'The Da Vinci Code'. Do you know how big a loss this is to the producers of the movie? Estimates say it could be as high as 74 rupees. (I dont think Tom Hanks even gives a tiny rat's ass* about this anymore..........he's made millions of dollars from the movie already).

The Pentagon has now listed homosexuality as a mental disorder. Especially if it is with Sir Elton John...........in which case, one is listed as a masochist with a mental disorder.

It's official. Japan has agreed to lift the ban on US beef. You know what this means. Oprah Winfrey can finally go on the vacation to Tokyo that she always wanted. : - )))

* to quote Phoebe Buffay

Yeah yeah, it’s another warm day in Chennai. People were sweating like George Bush trying to say ‘The US is issuing Iran an ultimatum on uranium’ without fumbling.

Another bus has been inaugurated connecting Pakistan and Kashmir. Do we even need to do this? Don’t we ever learn from the past? Why don’t we just fill the bus with people, roll a bomb under it and get it done with? It’s going to happen anyway, right? This way, at least the video coverage of the event will be much better.

Delhi has passed a Law that prohibits people under 18 to have alcohol. When he heard this, Rahul Mahajan was like - “Let’s leave my son out of this, okay? ".

You know why the Government is after Salman Khan and the Big B right now? It’s the same thing. ‘Black Bucks'.

An amusing news story. A mother duck and her 7 ducklings proceeded to cross the road at their own pace in Ireland and caused a large traffic jam. Spectators were amazed by the spectacle. They swear the last time they saw many ducks in a row was when Mohammad Kaif played in India's tour of England.

Hrithik Roshan is nervous before the release of his next movie, Krrish. Actually, he and his dad are not sure if they should throw a couple more R's into the name or not........you know, have it as Krrrish or maybe even Krrrrrrrrish (like the sound of a bike starting).

Hrithik plays a superhero in the movie. He assures us it is much different to the other superhero movies. For instance, the hero's main strength in the movie is his in-depth knowledge of Numerology.

Speaking of which, the next Superman movie is ready for release as well. The Director has denied claims that Superman plays a gay character this time around. He concedes that in the movie, Superman lives in Holland, listens to Elton John, loves 'Will and Grace' and the climax scene is shot on top of Brokeback mountain. But how the gay rumours started, he has no idea.

In spite of all the criticism, Oil company executives in the US insist fuel prices are still cheap. Well, sure......cheap when compared to the price of the car itself. But not so cheap otherwise.

What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Microsoft's Windows Vista? Saddam could get released by the end of the year.

That’s right. The trial in Iraq is coming to an end. However, it’s possible we may have a hung jury in this case. Literally. If the Jury pronounces Saddam as guilty, he might arrange with his aides to have all of them hanged from the ceiling.

Bill Clinton's voice recording is going to be used as the electronic tour guide for visitors at the Presidential library. It’s expected to be a big hit. The tour will start with a summary of all the locations in the Library where Bill and Monica did their thing without arousing the Head Librarian's suspicions.

This tour could be an eye opener for Hillary in many ways if she takes it. Or she could read Clinton's next book 'Monicama Sutra' instead, to see what all she is missing in her marriage.

Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she will adopt another baby soon. She says she wants to save kids in real trouble facing a life of uncertainty and hopelessness. In that case, she need not look any further than Britney's son, Sean Preston. He needs all the help he can get right now.

The following articles by Srivats :-)

A granny has waited eighty years to get her diploma degree. Lallu just made a phone call to Patna University and he got his Phd done.

The Jet-Sahara merger deal may never take-off. So do most of the Indian Airlines - Air India flights.

Yesterday, as usual, Norah Jones neatly packed and FedEx-ed away another one of her Grammy award trophies. Or, as Pandit Ravi Shankar calls it, Father's Day.

(This way, Ravi Shankar now has three Grammys. Still a million less than his daughter, apparently).

Footballer Ronaldo bought his father 2 boxes of Swiss chocolates. He then got tempted and opened the boxes and finished them off himself.

Eminem gave his dad the usual......the middle finger.

Kavya Vishwananthan made her dad a collage of photos that they had taken together - from her childhood. Using scissors and glue. So sweet and personal, isn't it? Of course, it was too easy. "Cut and Paste" is her thing afterall..............

Speaking of Kavya. You know I still can't get over the word she used to describe all the plagiarism in her book - 'Internalisation'. That's the one. 'Internalising'. It is weird because that is something you expect BillClinton to be doing. Not Kavya ..........but Clinton.

This is my favourite. Rakhi Sawant and the kissing incident. Rakhi has accused singer Mika of treating her like an object and molesting her. (Instead of treating her like a woman. A lady even. ) What the hell? Rakhi dear, you call yourself an 'Item girl' for heaven's sakes !!!!.....an ITEM girl.........and what is an Item but an Object you can use......I am with Mika on this one........he is blameless.

Family men in Gujrat are worried about the rising cost of rent. Not their house rent. No no. This is the rent you pay to borrow your neighbour's wife for a month. Its nearly 8000 rupees now. At this rate, men can't even afford such basic comforts anymore.

The Salman Khan blackbuck case is in the news again. I am thinking his court case is similar to that of Pravin Mahajan. Like.....Pravin shot someone dear who was a close relative while Salman shot a deer that was relatively close.

Here is something I came across on CNN-IBN today. I have been given to understand that singer Jessica Simpson prefers keeping her eyes open during a lip lock. Thank goodness I was told about this. Will be on full alert for this factor the next time I kiss her.....

What on earth is Rajdeep Sardesai thinking publishing this kind of stuff on his channel's site? Does this even qualify as News, whichever way you define it? Is this what he meant when he said he would do 'whatever it takes' to get the news to us? Does he really think we care more for such things than say, the Quota issue? If so, he's got it spot on. Bring it on, buddy.

Germany has asked all European nations to disarm themselves, especially the nuclear weapons. How sad is that? Its about time the Germans start accepting that the last time anyone listened to them was when they had a short, dorky leader with a funny moustache who kept invading countries left, right and center in the early 40's.

To show the Germans how much no one cares, Montenegro bought two bags of Uranium from Iran today.

Angelina Jolie has confessed that giving birth to her baby was a 'terrifying' experience. Am sure she must have now realised the merits of her previous policy of accumulating kids - Adoption. That way she can avoid the "giving birth" part which is clearly not a joyride.

It has come to light that the Al Qaeda had plans in 2003 to carry out a chemical attack on the New York City subway system. You know, pollute the air with toxic chemicals that would render it unfit for human consumption. But they had to abandon the plan. Someone had already beaten them to it. The people of NY : - )))

The following articles by Srivats :-)

Indian Idol finalist Neha Kakkar was declared dead by TV and some papers. Dont worry dude, it happened to a man called Bose for 27 times.

Let there be light says Sonia Gandhi. But isn't that God's dialogue ?

Average age of the France team is around 36, thats without Zidane. With him included, it becomes 41.

Some guy bought a painting for 123 million dollars. If I had that kind of money, I would have bought Playboy instead if an old lady's painting. Sigh!!

Pamela Anderson Lee is all set to pose naked for PETA fund raiser. Loving animals is one thing, being one is totally different.

This post is for Shyam who wanted something on the 'flavour of the season'. The World Cup.

As we all know, ESPN is relaying the soccer world cup for us. But I dont understand whats the logic in having Harsha Bhogle as the host? Just because he some idea what football's about? Is that why? In that case, how about having Monica Lewinsky as the next US President? She has an idea what it is to be in the President's shoes. And pants. She might do a good job too.

I was reading in the papers that Argentina beat Serbia 6-0 the other day. Wow.....can you believe that? 6-0 .....people are not used to such scorelines.....unless you are an Indian following Sania Mirza's games.......then you pretty much expect it.

There was Brazil's match on TV today. The Brazilian team is carrying the weight of the entire nation's expectations on its shoulders. And I am not even counting the excess weight Ronaldo is carrying around his waist.

In spite of all the criticism, Brazilian coach Alberto Perreira has faith in Ronaldo. He says he can still see the desire and hunger in the striker. He swears he saw Ronaldo finish 4 vegetarian Pizzas and a bag of potato chips without breaking a sweat during breakfast.

France is in real trouble. It has many star players, no doubt. But they are all old and huffing and puffing around. I think the only bunch of stars older than the French team is the Ursa Major constellation.

To give you an idea how old these guys are, the FIFA Referee was frequently out-running Zidane and Makele in the midfield.

There was the match between Croatia and Japan today. It was a tough tough match. For the commentator, I mean. If you dont trust me, try saying the names Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi and Atsushi Yanagisawa back to back without embarassing yourself........

India is hopeful of playing in the 2014 World Cup at least. We are however heavily banking on FIFA to come up with a "Quota system" that favours the entry of teams without any talent whatsoever.

England is expected to win the tournament by many people. But history is not on their side, you know. The last time England won in Germany was way back in World War II.

Sir Alex Fergusson is really angry that England manager Sven Goran Erikkson is planning on starting Rooney in the Sweden game. In fact, he is so angry that he is considering reverting back to his kick-the-boot-at-the-guys-face days again.

As we all know, Fergusson famously kicked his shoe on David Beckham which led to his departure from Manchester United. Beckham was really upset after the incident. He was like - " Its bad enough that this sort of thing happens at home with Victoria. Damned if I am going to have it done in the football field as well !! "