Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !
Saturday, September 30, 2006
30th September, Saturday : Quotable Quotes ?
It's saturday and time for something a bit different.
You all know how people often say things that surprise us. Sometimes confuse us. Often amuse us. Here are some of the memorable lines I have come across in recent times when I was browsing the internet. I have provided the context as well the actual statement by the party involved. Hope you guys like it.
Situation # 1:
A haven for hookers and dopers on Orange County, California has been shut down by court order until Christmas weekend.
Quote by Detective Don Woods, who works for the Sheriff's office - " People went there for one purpose: to sell drugs and to prostitute."
Situation # 2:
Old Cowtown Museum's rooster 'Cogburn' had apparently flown the coop. The Dominican rooster --named after a 1975 Western movie -- was missing Wednesday, shortly after his high noon crowing.
Quote by Ed LeRoy, manager of special events for the museum - " "We are in shock............. He may have been feeling under threat."
Situation # 3:
When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.
Actual quote by Robert - " I have monkeys in my pants."
Situation # 4:
The number of scooter and moped thefts in Gainsville, Florida is on the rise. The police are reasonably sure who the culprits are.
Quote by Sergent Ray Barber - " In many instances, groups of children - some as young as 12 - will get together to organise scooter-stealing sprees in the neighbourhood."
Situation # 5:
Emergency personnel were called to the Albertsons at Eubank, Nevada just before 8 p.m. after a man staggered in with a gunshot wound to his chest.
Key quote by a witness at the scene - “The victim pulled out that sword, and then the guy in the white shirt whipped out the revolver and shot him.”
Situation # 6:
Boston University officials said that they have a new policy forbidding the use of swear words, racist and sexist comments at sports events.
Quote by Kendall Lyons, an 18-year-old sophomore who often takes part in the chants - ``That's terrible and an infringement on our freedom of speech. Sports won't be fun anymore."
Situation # 7:
The World Toilet Organization opened its annual summit on Wednesday, Sep. 6th, in Moscow.
Quote by Sir William Lawrence, the organizations founder - "People seem to laugh a bit when I tell them I'm chairman of the (British) Toilet Association, but then ... they say 'wait a minute, there's a reason we need a toilet organization'."
Situation # 8:
Taxi robbing teenager gets into shoot-out with police. He fired one shot and ran behind a building, only to be arrested by officers waiting for any escape attempt.
Quote by his sister to the police - "He's a good kid.......He just has a problem with stealing cars."
You all know how people often say things that surprise us. Sometimes confuse us. Often amuse us. Here are some of the memorable lines I have come across in recent times when I was browsing the internet. I have provided the context as well the actual statement by the party involved. Hope you guys like it.
Situation # 1:
A haven for hookers and dopers on Orange County, California has been shut down by court order until Christmas weekend.
Quote by Detective Don Woods, who works for the Sheriff's office - " People went there for one purpose: to sell drugs and to prostitute."
Situation # 2:
Old Cowtown Museum's rooster 'Cogburn' had apparently flown the coop. The Dominican rooster --named after a 1975 Western movie -- was missing Wednesday, shortly after his high noon crowing.
Quote by Ed LeRoy, manager of special events for the museum - " "We are in shock............. He may have been feeling under threat."
Situation # 3:
When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.
Actual quote by Robert - " I have monkeys in my pants."
Situation # 4:
The number of scooter and moped thefts in Gainsville, Florida is on the rise. The police are reasonably sure who the culprits are.
Quote by Sergent Ray Barber - " In many instances, groups of children - some as young as 12 - will get together to organise scooter-stealing sprees in the neighbourhood."
Situation # 5:
Emergency personnel were called to the Albertsons at Eubank, Nevada just before 8 p.m. after a man staggered in with a gunshot wound to his chest.
Key quote by a witness at the scene - “The victim pulled out that sword, and then the guy in the white shirt whipped out the revolver and shot him.”
Situation # 6:
Boston University officials said that they have a new policy forbidding the use of swear words, racist and sexist comments at sports events.
Quote by Kendall Lyons, an 18-year-old sophomore who often takes part in the chants - ``That's terrible and an infringement on our freedom of speech. Sports won't be fun anymore."
Situation # 7:
The World Toilet Organization opened its annual summit on Wednesday, Sep. 6th, in Moscow.
Quote by Sir William Lawrence, the organizations founder - "People seem to laugh a bit when I tell them I'm chairman of the (British) Toilet Association, but then ... they say 'wait a minute, there's a reason we need a toilet organization'."
Situation # 8:
Taxi robbing teenager gets into shoot-out with police. He fired one shot and ran behind a building, only to be arrested by officers waiting for any escape attempt.
Quote by his sister to the police - "He's a good kid.......He just has a problem with stealing cars."
Friday, September 29, 2006
Headlines : 29th September, Friday
Twas a hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like George Bush trying to save the fancy china at his dinner party.
Thats right. Things got quite ugly between Musharraf and Karzai, the Afghan president at the dinner hosted by George Bush yesterday. They almost came to fistfights and Bush had to intervene and stop them from getting out of control. Can you imagine how bad it must have been if George Bush was the voice of reason at the table......?
At the dinner, Karzai blamed Pakistan of supporting the Taliban and Musharraf alleged that Karzai's government has failed completely and he (Karzai) was unaware of the facts. The sad part - they are both spot on with their insights.
This is the big story in the US over the past two days. A gunman sensationally broke into a girls high school in Colorado and locked himself into a room with six teenage girls for over four hours!!!!!!. I know what you are thinking..........Bill Clinton hasn't changed much since his days in the White House.
I can't believe this. The people of Jammu and Kashmir are actually holding massive protests against the Court's verdict to hang Mohammad Afzal in 2 weeks time. Afzal tried to bomb our Parliament, killed 9 security personnel and injured many others. I would like to insert a joke here but I think the fact that this guy has so much support is pretty funny in itself.
Meanwhile, the ICC has ruled in favour Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq in the ball tampering row and cleared him of all charges levelled against him. No such luck for Monica Bedi, though. She gets copped in the cooler for the next 5 years.
Shashi Tharoor's chances are dwindling with the US pushing for a quick decision on the appointment of the next UN Sec-General. For once, the US is costing an Indian his job. Ironic, isn't it?
Further, South Korea is reportedly offering millions of dollars to African countries and 'incentives' to UNSC members, in a bid to secure its candidate Ban Ki Moon's victory in the next UN Secretary General poll. Tharoor can't believe this. Bribing people to get things done? - thats OUR forte. The Koreans are beating us in our own game. What a shame!!!!!
Rang De Basanti is India's official entry for this year's Oscars. That's great. Ironically, yet another MIG-29 crashed in Ambala two days after the nomination. Really.
Sania Mirza has pulled off a sensational upset by beating top seed Martina Hingis at the Korean Open. As they say, every (under)dog has its day.
The media is touting this as a revenge victory for Sania who had previously lost to Hingis in the Sunfeast Open. Going by that logic, Sania has around 73 revenge matches left to win this year.
Mirza says she is very happy and pleased with the win. In fact, she is so excited that she can't wait to lose 6-0 6-1 to the unseeded player she is slated to meet in the next round.
Thats right. Things got quite ugly between Musharraf and Karzai, the Afghan president at the dinner hosted by George Bush yesterday. They almost came to fistfights and Bush had to intervene and stop them from getting out of control. Can you imagine how bad it must have been if George Bush was the voice of reason at the table......?
At the dinner, Karzai blamed Pakistan of supporting the Taliban and Musharraf alleged that Karzai's government has failed completely and he (Karzai) was unaware of the facts. The sad part - they are both spot on with their insights.
This is the big story in the US over the past two days. A gunman sensationally broke into a girls high school in Colorado and locked himself into a room with six teenage girls for over four hours!!!!!!. I know what you are thinking..........Bill Clinton hasn't changed much since his days in the White House.
I can't believe this. The people of Jammu and Kashmir are actually holding massive protests against the Court's verdict to hang Mohammad Afzal in 2 weeks time. Afzal tried to bomb our Parliament, killed 9 security personnel and injured many others. I would like to insert a joke here but I think the fact that this guy has so much support is pretty funny in itself.
Meanwhile, the ICC has ruled in favour Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq in the ball tampering row and cleared him of all charges levelled against him. No such luck for Monica Bedi, though. She gets copped in the cooler for the next 5 years.
Shashi Tharoor's chances are dwindling with the US pushing for a quick decision on the appointment of the next UN Sec-General. For once, the US is costing an Indian his job. Ironic, isn't it?
Further, South Korea is reportedly offering millions of dollars to African countries and 'incentives' to UNSC members, in a bid to secure its candidate Ban Ki Moon's victory in the next UN Secretary General poll. Tharoor can't believe this. Bribing people to get things done? - thats OUR forte. The Koreans are beating us in our own game. What a shame!!!!!
Rang De Basanti is India's official entry for this year's Oscars. That's great. Ironically, yet another MIG-29 crashed in Ambala two days after the nomination. Really.
Sania Mirza has pulled off a sensational upset by beating top seed Martina Hingis at the Korean Open. As they say, every (under)dog has its day.
The media is touting this as a revenge victory for Sania who had previously lost to Hingis in the Sunfeast Open. Going by that logic, Sania has around 73 revenge matches left to win this year.
Mirza says she is very happy and pleased with the win. In fact, she is so excited that she can't wait to lose 6-0 6-1 to the unseeded player she is slated to meet in the next round.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Headlines : 27th September, Wednesday
The Central Government has ruled out any cut in the prices of petrol and diesel despite the decline in international crude oil prices. So the only thing for citizens to cheer about is the death sentence awarded to M’mad Afzal.
The mastermind behind the December 13, 2001 Parliament attack, Mohammed Afzal, will be executed on October 20 as per Supreme Court orders. He is sentenced to death mainly because he failed to kill of any of the MPs who were attending Parliament that day. PLUS, he rudely refused to sing Vande Mataram on Sep 7th. That clinched it for the judge.
On that day, he and his comrades couldn't even get past the security outside and ended up killing 9 security personnel and injuring 16 others. Not much of a mastermind, is he?
A brand new wave of "Gandhigiri" has been unleashed by the hit movie "Lage Raho Munna Bhai". Even the lead actor, Sanjay Dutt has been swept in by Gandhiji's life of asceticism. He has vowed that he will not be providing any more beer or spicy non-veg food for the Pakistani terrorists living in his house hereafter.
Some good news for Manmohan at last. Sonia Gandhi has categorically ruled out having a Deputy Prime Minister in a press conference. ‘Why do we need one more?’ she asked. ‘What would Manmohan do then?’
As we all know, Team India returned home after a disappointing series in Malaysia. Today, Rahul Dravid blamed Bill Clinton for the team's poor performance.
That's right. He is everyone's favourite scapegoat right now. Bill Clinton is actually being blamed for not doing enough to prevent the September 11 disaster when he was in power. The Pope has joined in and accused Clinton of not doing enough to prevent him from making that anti-Islam speech last week.
The New York City Department of Health has announced a proposal to ban all trans fats at eateries. Makes sense. You don't want the millions of rats in the city to be facing any heart problems, right?
A bunch of Canadian scientists are now studying the Mona Lisa painting in 3-D to better understand why she is smiling in the picture. Awesome. Millions of passengers worldwide still can't use their cellphones inside an aircraft. But I guess that can wait.
This is a PRICELESS headline. It actually reads - Teddy Bear Kills 2,500 Fish In New Hampshire.
And to think that George Bush is ignoring this and fooling around inIraq........tsk tsk :- ))
And Al Gore, if you reading this, Teddy Bears have now killed more fish than global warming has, in the last 5 years put together. Wake up to the REAL threat dude !!!
Seriously speaking, it seems that the stuffed toy clogged the hatchery drain and hence the fish died. And what was hatchery supervisor Robert Fawcett's statement ? "Release of any teddy bears into fish hatchery water henceforth is NOT permitted." No kidding !!
The mastermind behind the December 13, 2001 Parliament attack, Mohammed Afzal, will be executed on October 20 as per Supreme Court orders. He is sentenced to death mainly because he failed to kill of any of the MPs who were attending Parliament that day. PLUS, he rudely refused to sing Vande Mataram on Sep 7th. That clinched it for the judge.
On that day, he and his comrades couldn't even get past the security outside and ended up killing 9 security personnel and injuring 16 others. Not much of a mastermind, is he?
A brand new wave of "Gandhigiri" has been unleashed by the hit movie "Lage Raho Munna Bhai". Even the lead actor, Sanjay Dutt has been swept in by Gandhiji's life of asceticism. He has vowed that he will not be providing any more beer or spicy non-veg food for the Pakistani terrorists living in his house hereafter.
Some good news for Manmohan at last. Sonia Gandhi has categorically ruled out having a Deputy Prime Minister in a press conference. ‘Why do we need one more?’ she asked. ‘What would Manmohan do then?’
As we all know, Team India returned home after a disappointing series in Malaysia. Today, Rahul Dravid blamed Bill Clinton for the team's poor performance.
That's right. He is everyone's favourite scapegoat right now. Bill Clinton is actually being blamed for not doing enough to prevent the September 11 disaster when he was in power. The Pope has joined in and accused Clinton of not doing enough to prevent him from making that anti-Islam speech last week.
The New York City Department of Health has announced a proposal to ban all trans fats at eateries. Makes sense. You don't want the millions of rats in the city to be facing any heart problems, right?
A bunch of Canadian scientists are now studying the Mona Lisa painting in 3-D to better understand why she is smiling in the picture. Awesome. Millions of passengers worldwide still can't use their cellphones inside an aircraft. But I guess that can wait.
This is a PRICELESS headline. It actually reads - Teddy Bear Kills 2,500 Fish In New Hampshire.
And to think that George Bush is ignoring this and fooling around inIraq........tsk tsk :- ))
And Al Gore, if you reading this, Teddy Bears have now killed more fish than global warming has, in the last 5 years put together. Wake up to the REAL threat dude !!!
Seriously speaking, it seems that the stuffed toy clogged the hatchery drain and hence the fish died. And what was hatchery supervisor Robert Fawcett's statement ? "Release of any teddy bears into fish hatchery water henceforth is NOT permitted." No kidding !!
Monday, September 25, 2006
24th September, Monday : Clown of the Week # 4
There comes a time in the life of a Pope when he has this irresistible urge to say 'enough is ENOUGH!', pack up his bags, go to Germany and make a long-winding speech - the essence of which can be reduced to two words -Islam sucks. The right thing to do when he gets the urge, of course, would be to ignore it, head into his Papal room, put on that silly Papal hat and think long and hard about whether it would look better in black.
Pope Benedict XVI, unfortunately, chose the former option and now he is taking up valuable newspaper space that could have been better used to further bash Kevin Federline's debut as a 'rapper'. But what’s done is done and all that is left for us to do, to salvage something from the debacle, is this - take bets on the extent to which the Pope might be willing to kiss some serious Muslim ass in the coming weeks.
Even at the best of times, it takes very little to get the Muslim community all riled up. A cartoon.....or being asked to sing Vande Mataram..... or sometimes a power cut even. But on this occasion, they have something solid to work with. I know I have never had to go through the rigors of being a Pope myself. But how difficult is it to talk for an hour about the many merits of Christianity and NOT say the words 'Mohammad only brought the world evil and inhuman things’?
Seriously........because that is precisely what the pontiff did. And he assumed that Muslims worldwide would take it in the right spirit, nod their head in agreement and carry on with their daily lives - which primarily revolves around reading the Koran and thinking up newer ways to tamper a cricket ball using just a paper towel and some bubblegum.
And it gets funnier. The Pope initially contended that his comments were not meant as a harsh criticism of Islam. Apparently, he just wanted to explore the historical and philosophical differences between Islam and Christianity. And it was only too obvious from his research that while Jesus was a beacon of light and hope for humanity, Mohammad was as useful to the world as the Chickungunya virus. Let’s say for a moment that he actually believes this. That’s OK. But does he HAVE to bear his soul to the public like that and give a bunch of bearded bozos a chance to go off like a time-bomb in a Kashmiri school??
That’s right. The Muslims are on the rampage again. Churches have gotten burnt, Christian women have been killed and around a million George Bush posters were defecated upon. (They do this irrespective of the situation anyways). Osama's latest video has him stroking his beard slowly and shaking his head from time to time. Based on what the past has taught us, am thinking - Does the Pope have adequate life insurance or what?
There must have been other people in the Vatican who also thought along the same lines. After they had their heart to heart session with the Pope, the old man has come out with all kinds of apologies aimed at appeasing the Muslims. And he is not someone who apologizes all that easily. It would be decidedly easier to get Donald Trump to apologize to Martha Stewart than to get the Pope to apologize to Martha Stewart........ Or something to that effect....I hope you get what am trying to say here......Basically the pontiff is pretty much aloof and goes about thinking he is infallible and all that. So, one can appreciate his difficulty in this particular situation. In a last ditch effort, he has invited all offended Muslim leaders to attend some sort of tea party at his summer house. Home-made pizza has not been ruled out. A few Muslim clerics have signed up for the bash. Others remain adamant in their stance and demand that Monica Belucci be present as well. The Pope has said he will see what he can do.
And btw, the Clown of the Week award, this time around, goes to.......Pope Benedict XVI.
I know he was an obvious choice and everyone knows he goofed up big time with this fiasco. But I still couldn't pass on a chance to give the Pope the honour of being a part of this distinguished group of gentlemen (who have been recipients of the award). Can you blame me for that? :-))
[P.S:
I know that the award is given out on Sundays but I was away on a road trip over the weekend. That’s right. A ROAD TRIP. Consequently, I had to make an exception this time around and do this on a Monday. I think you guys can understand. If we can’t even make a few adjustments for the Pope............:-))]
Pope Benedict XVI, unfortunately, chose the former option and now he is taking up valuable newspaper space that could have been better used to further bash Kevin Federline's debut as a 'rapper'. But what’s done is done and all that is left for us to do, to salvage something from the debacle, is this - take bets on the extent to which the Pope might be willing to kiss some serious Muslim ass in the coming weeks.
Even at the best of times, it takes very little to get the Muslim community all riled up. A cartoon.....or being asked to sing Vande Mataram..... or sometimes a power cut even. But on this occasion, they have something solid to work with. I know I have never had to go through the rigors of being a Pope myself. But how difficult is it to talk for an hour about the many merits of Christianity and NOT say the words 'Mohammad only brought the world evil and inhuman things’?
Seriously........because that is precisely what the pontiff did. And he assumed that Muslims worldwide would take it in the right spirit, nod their head in agreement and carry on with their daily lives - which primarily revolves around reading the Koran and thinking up newer ways to tamper a cricket ball using just a paper towel and some bubblegum.
And it gets funnier. The Pope initially contended that his comments were not meant as a harsh criticism of Islam. Apparently, he just wanted to explore the historical and philosophical differences between Islam and Christianity. And it was only too obvious from his research that while Jesus was a beacon of light and hope for humanity, Mohammad was as useful to the world as the Chickungunya virus. Let’s say for a moment that he actually believes this. That’s OK. But does he HAVE to bear his soul to the public like that and give a bunch of bearded bozos a chance to go off like a time-bomb in a Kashmiri school??
That’s right. The Muslims are on the rampage again. Churches have gotten burnt, Christian women have been killed and around a million George Bush posters were defecated upon. (They do this irrespective of the situation anyways). Osama's latest video has him stroking his beard slowly and shaking his head from time to time. Based on what the past has taught us, am thinking - Does the Pope have adequate life insurance or what?
There must have been other people in the Vatican who also thought along the same lines. After they had their heart to heart session with the Pope, the old man has come out with all kinds of apologies aimed at appeasing the Muslims. And he is not someone who apologizes all that easily. It would be decidedly easier to get Donald Trump to apologize to Martha Stewart than to get the Pope to apologize to Martha Stewart........ Or something to that effect....I hope you get what am trying to say here......Basically the pontiff is pretty much aloof and goes about thinking he is infallible and all that. So, one can appreciate his difficulty in this particular situation. In a last ditch effort, he has invited all offended Muslim leaders to attend some sort of tea party at his summer house. Home-made pizza has not been ruled out. A few Muslim clerics have signed up for the bash. Others remain adamant in their stance and demand that Monica Belucci be present as well. The Pope has said he will see what he can do.
And btw, the Clown of the Week award, this time around, goes to.......Pope Benedict XVI.
I know he was an obvious choice and everyone knows he goofed up big time with this fiasco. But I still couldn't pass on a chance to give the Pope the honour of being a part of this distinguished group of gentlemen (who have been recipients of the award). Can you blame me for that? :-))
[P.S:
I know that the award is given out on Sundays but I was away on a road trip over the weekend. That’s right. A ROAD TRIP. Consequently, I had to make an exception this time around and do this on a Monday. I think you guys can understand. If we can’t even make a few adjustments for the Pope............:-))]
