Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !

Its still hot and humid in Chennai. People were sweating like Sonia Gandhi's votebank in Rae bareli.

Yeah, its cheap politics time again. SP Supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav has ordered power supply to be stopped to Sonia Gandhi's constituency. On the plus side, they avoided wasting their time watching India play cricket in the West Indies.

An amazing piece of news. Did you read about the overweight elephant that is refusing to work out in a tread mill despite its trainers trying all sorts of tactics to make it excercise? This is very bad. Ronaldo shouldn't be this adamant. At least during the World Cup : - )))

More on the soccer World Cup. I read in the papers that Holland has a toughtie today against Ivory Coast. The Netherlands too have a difficult game against Cote d'Ivorie. The 'Oranges' are also playing their match today against the ‘Elephants’. But I am looking forward to the match-up between the Dutch and the African Cup winners.
(P.S : Why the hell does one country need four names? its just confusing everyone)

Union Minister Ram Vilas Paswan is trying to circulate a new pharmaceutical policy that would keep the prices of the 364 essential drugs under govt. control and help the common man. When he heard this, Rahul Mahajan was like- ' Finally...............its about time I heard some good news".

There are 364 ‘essential’ drugs? Never knew that. Why, it looks like Rahul can try a new one every day of the year !!

Navjot Singh Sidhu is joining the anti-quota protests with the IIT Kanpur students. Get mentally prepared for statements like - ' Let me tell you one thing my friend......providing quota for OBCs is like pouring cold milk on a sleeping dog. It seems like a good idea but you never get the results you expect".

On the bright side, this could also starkly highlight to Arjun Singh how the quality of the Institutions would go down with quotas. Think about it........ Sidhu surrounded by a bunch of brainy IIT guys.........thats a telling picture right there........is this what you want to see Mr. Arjun Singh ?

Due to a shortage of pilots, Jet Airways is now recruiting people without even a CPL (Commercial Pilot's Licence). I am personally all excited.India is soon going to have its very own 9 / 11. I can see the headlines -' Pilot flies his Jet plane smack into the Taj Mahal '.

The TN govt. has sent a special task force to Bangalore to find the reason for its success with the IT industry. The advice given was simple and stinging - “For starters, stop spending all your money distributing free colour colour TVs, you morons !! ".

Yes people, it’s up to 2500 now. Not the number of IT notices served to the Big B….no no…… It’s the number US military deaths in Iraq so far.

An Islamic cleric has called for George Bush to convert to Islam. He is asking the wrong President for sure. Had it been Clinton, he would have willingly converted, if only for the 72 virgin interns waiting for him in Heaven.

Was amazed today when I read that scientist Stephen Hawking still has a wife. With all due respect to the great man, he is nothing more than an artificial voice sitting expressionless on a chair all day. Kinda like Amitabh Bachan in KBC. Women........can never understand them.

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Rahul mahajan hugged his jail buddies before going out on bail. How moving!! sob sob.. He said he liked his freedom, pubs and ...Fanaa…. But Rakhi sawant wants to know if it was a mere hug or was their smooch?

Microsoft sets up lab at Anna University. Karunanidhi wants 70% of the facility to be reserved through legislation, by setting access restrictions. Any OC student accessing the reserved facility to be charged under every even-numbered section of constitution!!

Unable to convince CM, that the interface cannot possibly have check boxes for every caste, Bill Gates plans to quit Microsoft. DMK has earlier promised MS office, MS games etc as a part of their manifesto and now are forcing Bill gates Gates wants to continue his education from where he had left.

Delhi Univ. installs spy cams to curtail ragging. It turns out that they ended up filming several informative movies of DPS MMS genre. Management is likely to upgrade the cam and picture quality in due course. Some doctors from TN, top army officials in Kashmir have shown interest to buy and sell those videos, and Mahesh butt will take care of production.

Pak challenges India for Top UN post by nominating its prime minister. When we tested N weapon, they too did; we struck N-deal with US, they did with china. Seeking to do something that Musharaf can't even imagine doing, our PM prostrated at Sonia's feet. … What a man…
Coincidentally Ronaldo's dizziness comes at a time when German hookers are overworked. Yet people doubt his potency to 'shoot it in'.

It was hot all the way here in Chennai. People were sweating like Ronaldo tracking the needle on his weighing machine.

Its sad but true. Brazilian footballer Ronaldo has been jeered by fans during the World Cup due to his weight problem. In fact, when Diego Maradona watching from the stands remarked - ' Ronaldo is clearly a bigger star than me' , he was not speaking in metaphors.

Today has been declared a national holiday in Nigeria. Oh yes, baby. Rahul Mahajan has been released on bail. The drug industry is back in business people !!

Listen to this. Rahul Mahajan has told the press that despite what has happened, he will make his father proud one day. I think he has already done enough by going to jail at such a young age. The Mahajan family tradition has been kept well alive.

A worrying statistic. More than 4 lakh die of AIDS every year in India. Officials who conducted the survey say that it is a matter of grave concern for the country. Literally. There is no space to properly bury all thes people anymore.

The Delhi University is going to install spy cams throughout the campus to identify students involved in ragging. Goody good. Spy cams and horny students. Let me tell you, the authorities at the University have seemingly arranged for their year’s supply of free porn quite cleverly.

President Bush has refuted calls for the US to move out of Iraq. He says its too early. It seems there are several Marines who are yet to fulfill their lifelong dream of shooting a pregnant woman in broad daylight. "Should we deny them even this simple pleasure?" - asks Bush.

Speaking of Bush........his official speech writer at the White House is going to quit after doing the job for 7 years. Oh My God !!! If you thought Bush was funny with his English when he had a writer, just imagine the possibilities for humour when he has to write his own speeches henceforth without adult supervision : - )))

The scientific community is buzzing with excitement. This is over the rare photos taken in Thailand of a "living fossil", an ancient creature that was supposed to be extinct millions of years back..........hmmm....... I wonder how disappointed they will be once they realise that was just M.Karunandhi who was photographed during a official visit to Laos.

Google has now launched a site exclusively devoted to Shakespeare and his works. Oh man, forget the Chinese.......no one in ANY country is going to be searching for stuff in the site. How sick is everyone of The Bard and his plays already?

The following articles by Srivats :-)

Brad Pitt has been voted the best dad of the year. Britney Spears took home the worst mom award for the second time in as many weeks.

The results for the funniest comedy on TV is out. Even I guessed it wrong. Its not NDTV Sports 24X7 with Navjot Singh Sidhu.

Eminem is to return to the big screen in a Western movie. Its called " The Good Fuck, the Bad Shit and the Ugly Ass".

Agassi was defeated by Henman in the ATP Queen's tournament. If thats not a sign to retire, then what is ?

Madhya Pradesh government wants to replace rhymes like "Baa baa black sheep" and "Twinkle Twinkle little star" to Indian English ones. They are changing it to "Baa baa kichu kichu thaaa"

The following articles by Vishwa :-)

Paid just Rs 4 a day under national rural employment guarantee act, a widow in Gujarat moved to HC. After all it is Common MINIMUM program. Come on lady, don't fight for this. Learn to be like the software engineers who either work for peanuts or all that they work on is 'kadalai'.

The education ministry in Karnataka plans to scrap Nursery rhymes from curriculum to preserve Indian culture. Did Jack and Jill committed adultery or was humpty dumpty a pimp? Instead, children are to be taught the traditional wisdom through songs like "choli ke pechay", "B.C. sutta.. sutta na mila".

The committee to choose the curriculum is to consist of moral paragons like Mika singh, Rakhi sawant, Rahul Mahajan, Mallika sherawat, Emraan Hashmi and some volunteers of SMS fame from DPS.

Helmet for driver and pillion rider to be made mandatory in Bangalore . Similarly Condom to be made mandatory for truck drivers and a single 'lemon' for the trucks themselves; that provided the truck drivers get back to work post the diesel price hike.

PM's policy on ' zero' tolerance for Human rights violation in Kashmir has no takers. Journalists have criticized the CNN-IBN channel for making it the headlines. They said "when has anyone ever considered our present PM as an entity?" They call it a breach of journalist's dharma.

Anbumani Ramadoss (the health minister who confused stethoscope for tie) plans to withdrawn salaries of AIIMs doctors. To avoid similar salary cuts, the 7 cabinet ministers who have flown abroad, holidaying on junket and the BJP MPs who were government's guest at Tihar, have flocked back even before the onset of monsoon.

Its back to being hot today. In fact, people were sweating like Amitabh Bachan trying to count all the Income Tax notices served at him.

Thats right. The Big B has been served more than 37 IT notices so far for failing to file his tax returns properly. 37 notices !!!! Even Chota Shakeel has been served fewer notices by the IT Dept.

How fraudulent is Amitabh Bachan to have so many notices sent to him? At this rate he might soon end up in jail. How ironic would it be if he finds himself on the receiving end of the words - “Are you sure? Lock kiya jaaye? "

Speaking of taxes, it seems the Underworld dons in Bombay are now targeting and threatening rich men in the city to collect some unofficial " taxes"from them. Hey, its good to know that Azhar and Jadeja have found an alternate career path after cricket.

The stock market. Did you even suspect that Naxals and other illegal groups may be investing in the stock market? Its highly probable they are. I just hope they take it easy when the market crashes, you know.........." What? Infosys is down 75 points? What the hell........get me my gun.......whereis this Nandan Nilekani guy? "

Lalu Prasad Yadav is now seeking permission with authorities for a foreign trip that includes Germany, UK, Italy and France. Good for him. As a bonus,the fact that he can hardly speak two words in English will not be a factor in 3 out of the 4 countries.

Did you hear this? Saurav Ganguly's prized gold chain was stolen yesterday. It seems it was his lucky chain that Saurav always kissed after scoring a hundred in a match. I guess he last kissed the chain in2001...........

Item girl Rakhi Sawant has filed a court case against singer Mika forforcibly biting her on the lips. In his defense, Mika says - " If Simbu does it to Nayantara, its no big deal. Why target me alone?"Good point.

President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Actually, he was supposed to fly to China but they had to make a emergency landing at Iraq.At $73 a barrel, the US govt. couldn't afford filling fuel all the way to China.

At long last, the Taliban have named the 20th and last hijacker involved inthe 9/11 attacks. His name is Turki bin Fheid al-Muteiri Fawaz al-Nashmi.Wow.......his mother apparently chose to include the last names of ALL his fathers in his name. No wonder, it’s slightly longish :-)

The first hurricane of the season, Hurricane Alberto is heading towards Florida. It is expected to cause widespread destruction, loss of human lives and could be a big headache for President Bush...........basically its not that different to Dick Cheney, you might say.

Something surprising. Paris Hilton has actually said that she loves being single. It’s the best feeling she says. On the downside, she confesses that lying naked and handcuffed to ones bed is not that much fun when you are alone.

A decidedly cooler day in Chennai. It was so pleasant that Jayalalitha even smiled once at Karunanidhi in the Assembly today.

Wow……all those flying tackles, the free kicks, the headers, the rivalries, the whistles, the hooligans – yeah, yeah…..it’s another typical day at the TN Assembly. And the Soccer World Cup is underway too, btw.

Bad news for the old man today. A man tried to stab his son M.K. Stalin at a railway station in Madurai but was stopped in time. Turns out the man was just frustrated on still being a care-of-platform in spite of the DMK promising everyone free land during the elections.

A special court is now going to take up the Mahajan case. Thats good, youknow. Its not like we have other important cases to deal with. A drug-addict fainting at a late night party 3 weeks after this father'smurder is clearly a priority for the country, isnt it?

Its funny but the BJP is actually claiming that Rahul Mahajan is being victimised by the Congress. How absurd is that? Its not like the Congress bought him two tickets for the late night bash and then stuffed his pockets with cocaine and heroin as a bonus. To me, its like saying the Selectors are to blame for Ganguly not being able to play the short ball............(hope the analogy is ok)

Speaking of drugs, the Police are yet to ascertain the amount of drugs that Rahul Mahajan had with him that day. Oh my god !! It seems the police started counting the packets mentally at first but soon realised that even Shakuntala Devi would be stymied by the calculations involved. They have now asked for additional personnel to help them out with the inventory assessment.

Hey kids! If you are in Delhi and want to take your new bike around for a safe ride in the roads, today is a good day. All truck drivers in the city are going to be involved in protests against the petrol price hike.

A survey in the US has revealed that crime rates have taken the first big jump since 1991. Violent crimes, murders, shootings are all up last year by more than 5 percent......................and this is not even counting Dick Cheney's hunting trips !!!

Al Qaeda have already identified a replacement for Al Zarqawi who was killed recently. They say the replacement is a brutal, merciless man who has no problem shooting and killing enemies all day long. Hey..............I dint know that Pravin Mahajan has been released from jail !!!

Surjit Singh Barnala has been appointed the Governor of TN again. So whats the big deal ? I dont think anyone really cares about this, you know. In fact, even Barnala did not show up today for the swearing-in ceremony.

Time for a George Bush quote.
Here's the latest one about the situation in Iraq - “The future of Iraq depends on Iraqis".
And then he wonders why people make fun of him all the time : - ))))

Amitabh Bachan is apparently getting frequent visits from the Income Tax Dept. these days. He hasn’t filed in his returns properly. No such problems for son Abhishek though. No hit films – no income – no tax. He is safe alright.

The following articles by Srivats : - )

Miss Curvy Curvature's Rakhi Sawant's lips still hurts its seems. Last time a kiss made this much controversy was when Kamal kissed Rani in Hey Ram. Poor guy Mika claims that he wanted to whisper in her ear and accidentally went and bit her lips. It make you wonder whether this is the reason why his brother Daler closes his ear with a turban.

I know Saniar Mirza drinks Sprite when she is thirsty, I know she like to drive into the middle of Rann of Kutch in her blazing red Hyundai Getz to play a tennis match and give a lift to her opponent on her way back , I know that she gets inspired by crying babies and wins her matches to return and kiss the bald head of the baby but I dont know whether her backand is single handed or double handed.

AnbuMani Ramadoss planning a silicon - Valley kind of zone in Calcutta ( Dont worry its not inside Pamela Anderson ). Its like NYSE in red square.

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Cambridge International Academy of India in Karjat, Maharashtra, plans to unveil a life-size statue of Princess Diana. They chose Diana over Rani Laxmi Bai because the latter was never popular through sex scandal. Coincidentally, ornithologists have observed the local crows grow happier on the announcement of statue unveiling.

The lone Hindu temple in Lahore has been demolished. It is expected that Advani would call Pakistan a secular state any time soon.

"The killing of non- Kashmiri laborers is inhuman" says Jammu and Kashmir's PDP. Wonder what they would call if Kashmiri laborers were killed. "Yet Another day in Kashmir"?

Bush says he does not believe Zarqawi's death means end of war. He is said to have forgotten why US started the war at the first place. Saddam Hussain has been busted, Sadadam's sons & Zarqawi killed, oil resources have been acquired hence all apparent reasons exhausted. Bush, Dick and Rice still feel there was something else as reason.

Bush calls US and India to be "natural allies". Talking over phone to PM, Bush said "You always do whatever Sonia tells you, and I always do whatever Condoleezza tells me"… How sweet. I am sure Condy would have been the one who taught him that line.

Stalin escapes bid on life as a CRPF policeman stopped some local dude (carrying a knife) from reaching Stalin. The policeman, was new to Madurai hence doesn't know "veecharuva" in Madurai is a fashion accessory and that Stalin isn't worth assassinating.

Another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like Roger Federer on hearing the words ' top spin'.

Today is the World Day against Child Labour day. Yeah, its a day when we are all encouraged to prevent little children from doing other things when they should be studying. Seizing the moment, Roger Federer has lodged a request with the ATP Tour organisers to send Nadal back to school ASAP.

Hear this. The Government is now providing school kids in Rajasthan with nail-cutters. It says that most children in the state dont have access to a nail-cutter. In that case, how about providing them some water first ??? Hellloooo......its Rajasthan….a damn desert…. I dont think the kids would mind the long nails as long as they can have drinking water for the next two days.

Its happened again. The Nepal king has been stripped of more powers. As if he had anything left. The poor guy. I dont understand why they the Nepal Parliament wants to do this. Its like asking M. Karunanidhi to have a castration. Whats the point anyway?

India is planning to buy more than 120 MIG fighter planes next year. Thats because there is lot of empty space in our Air bases for new planes. The previous batch of MIGs is almost entirely parking in some paddy field or the other.

As a protest, a man in Gujrat tried to set himself on fire in a theatre screening 'Fanaa'. Thankfully he was saved - since at current prices, he could only afford to buy half a liter of petrol...............

More bizaare news. Lalu Prasad Yadav could be the Chairperson for a new course in IIM -B on Railway finance. Wow.........for a change, a person with low intelligence could be inside IIM - B without even using the Quota system........

In the morning, I was driving to office and I saw a stray dog using a cellphone to recieve alerts on dog catchers in the area.

Its official. We have 100 million people using cellphones in this country !! Hundred million..........no joke. The worrying part : More than half these people are busily engaged in sending SMS messages to Sun Music.

The US have shot and killed Al Zarqawi, one of the most wanted terrorist leaders of the Al Qaeda. George Bush is really happy with this piece of news. And he is even more happy with the news that Dick Cheney had nothing to with the shooting whatsoever.

Reviews for 'Pudupettai' are in. Its all bad news. Danush has been targetted specially. Critics say that 'he can hardly handle a gun for someone playing a don. He is often involved in scenes with mindless shooting and violence. Overall, he hardly seems suited to play the role given to him' .............Oops......sorry.........that was about Dick Cheney , not Danush............... it was from the FBI's special report.....sorry. Got confused.

Steel maker Arcelor has rejected Laxmi Mittal's improved bid to take over the company. He just cant believe it. The last time Laxmi Mittal gave someone this much money, Shah Rukh Khan agreed to clean his boots and dance at his daughter's wedding.

The Best Bakery debacle. The Court has today sentenced Zaheera Sheikh, the prime witness in the Best Bakery case, to three months rigorous imprisonment (RI) for giving false evidence. Apparently, she told the Judge that she saw Salman Khan eat a sandwich at the bakery with his top on.

The following articles by Srivats :-)

Chandramukhi is to inaugarate the IIFA in Dubai. " Enna Kuduma idhu Saravanan".

Did you guys just check out the opening ceremony of the world cup. I dont know about you guys but I quickly switched to watch "Vayalum Vazhvum".

India's only presence in the FIFA world cup ( apart from its map in the cup and it gets worse every year , last year we atleast had a a line man from chennai ) are eight software engineers maintain the communication network in all the stadiums. What a pity, considering Equador whose population is one fifth of dharavi managed to defeat an European major Poland.

England has issued an warning to people that temperatures may soar to 31 C. Quite a pity considering the only warning we got during our college where temperature often soared above 50C was when the thar on the road metled and stuck to our shoes.

The following articles by Vishwa :-)

Pravin Joshi's self immolation against screening of Fanaa has become a burning issue. Sources say karunanidhi has handpicked this pyro-dude for DMK's self immolation arsenal for future use. BTW did he use petrol? Some say it would then be a death fancier and costlier than to be burnt on sandal wood pyre.

Rakhi sawant has shot to fame taking Emran Hashmi's route. But she calls it molestation!!! That is why she remains a mere vamp. The worst part; the video was like some non-kamal tamil movie; blurred the people in the background to show some flowers forcibly bent and banged against each other. Damn it, a big loss for bollywoodmasala.com viewers.

Only after they announcing cash rewards for killing militants has BJP understood that militants don't have uniforms, govt. quarters, military rum and sex scandal involving top militants or crashing MiG flights. Then how would one identify a militant? Since many militants hole up in mosques while holding fire, BJP plans to call people going to mosque as militants and demolish all the mosques in Kashmir.

News - India Army has developed an equipment to produce potable water form thin air. It is unfair. Corporation of Chennai did not receive such publicity for converting water into thin air. Every corporation pipe is an outlet of superheated air & sewer steam.

Govt. decides to resend the Office of profit bill, unaltered. The moral paragons of India; the legislators, will hope to pass The Impunity bill (any offense by legislator is not punishable ), Partition India bill (Every resource of India to be disbursed among the legislators) India Monarchy bill (India to be converted into Monarchy under Nehru family, legislators -advisory ) during the monsoon session. Each of these bills, which is no more the making the status quo permanent, is expected to be passed unanimously. What? U think such bills wont pass?

Here are some news stories that make you wonder why The Hindu is covering the elections in Manipur and Megahalaya when there are stories like this that are so much better......

An accountant in Florida named Tom Robinson gave his DNA for testing and guess what happened? Turns out he is a descendant of Genghis Khan !!!! Can you believe that?And then our own Kavya Vishwanathan decided to take the same DNA test. And not surprisingly, it turns out she is a descendant of the first Xerox machine!!!

The Dutch police have confiscated the car of a Dutchman who was caught speeding. Turns out the guy only wanted to dry his car after he had washed it. Wow…..even George Bush would have done better than that. I am thinking what would the poor dinosaurs who died years ago feel like on hearing this? They take all this trouble to turn into valuable fuel and it’s not even being used to go to office or in war. If this is the way he dries himself after a bath, I am sure he has his neighborhood pretty well entertained on a daily basis.

The Spanish government is fed up with its people not being able to speak English. So rectify the situation, it is offering its citizens up to 1,000 euros, or $1,300, each to study English. Nice…….Incidentally, George Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger have made discreet enquiries with the Spanish authorities to find out if the offer is open for them too.

The oldest surviving condom in the world has gone on display in an Austrian museum. Quite amazing. It was made in 1640 and is still in great condition. Britney Spears has apparently asked the Austrians if they are willing to sell it to her. It’s worth a shot……the new ones she bought don’t seem to be working for her. She’s been twice pregnant in the last two years……might as well give the old rubber a try.

An Indian has reportedly spent half a century living in a tree after a tiff with his wife. Gayandhar Parida has lived in the mango tree for 50 years now. His age is 83 !!!Soon he will be dead and let me tell you one thing…….this guy is a vulture’s dream. If you are a vulture, what more can you ask for? It’s only a matter of time before he calls it a day and its like lunch served in a buffet. Right there on the tree. No need to fight on the ground and stuff. Its about time the animal kingdom had something going for them, right?