Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !

The Hitchhiker’s Guide gave us the meaning of human life – 42. Chicken sellers in Bihar have given us the value of human life – 1 kg of onions.

That’s right. Chicken sellers in Bihar have adopted a novel strategy to beat the bird flu scare and boost their dropping sales by giving a kilo of onions free with every kilo of chicken. THEY HAD TAKERS.

And I thought no one could embarrass himself more in public than being seen in a Nano.

Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, escaped serious censure last night from Eliyahu Winograd, a retired judge who led a government inquiry over his mis-handling of the war in Lebanon. Turns out the BCCI had forced the judge’s hand by threatening to walk out of the tour of Australia if the charges against Olmert were not dropped.

The Judge in charge of the Harbhajan hearing confirmed that Tendulkar's positive word about his team mate counted in his decision to clear Harbhajan of racial abuse. Finally an endorsement from Sachin where he made no money whatsoever.

But an angry Ricky Ponting sharply criticized the lifting of three-Test ban on Harbhajan Singh. He even went on to call the Judge a ‘mindless monkey’.

Addressing an issue that has blighted race relations in the country for years, the Australian government says it will apologize for past mistreatment of Australia’s Aboriginal minority. They intend to start with Andrew Symonds.

Novelist Taslima Nasrin was reportedly hospitalized when doctors at the AIIMS wrongly prescribed a heavy dose of pills as treatment for blood pressure. Today, Britney Spears checked herself into the clinic citing a headache. Fishy!

The Govt has allocated Rs 600 crore to the "Project Tiger" scheme for the conservation and rehabilitation of the endangered species. In stark contrast, the Govt in neighboring Sri Lanka has allotted a similar amount to kill as many Tigers as possible.

Democratic candidate John Edwards has pulled out of the Presidential race. He apparently did not like the fact the costs involved in the campaign forced him to have a haircut like normal people for $20.

Scientists will soon be able to cut men from the process of creating life, enabling women to have children that are biologically their own. So it’s official. There is no basis for Kevin Federline’s existence in the universe anymore.

This has astonished scientists. Satellite pictures from Mercury show geological formations never seen before on the surface of the planet – huge craters, mile-long ridges, weird rock projections…….Or, as Chennai-ites call it – North Usman Road.

Kareena Kapoor put an end to rumors about her secret marriage to Saif Ali Khan saying she wont be getting married for at least another 5 years. To which Saif remarked – “5 years, eh? So it won’t be me paying her the alimony then”.

According to a new study by Canadian scientists, girls with big breasts are prone to diabetes. The study also mentioned that girls with small breasts are prone to dia-virgin.

Following pressure from the BCCI to pull out of the ODIs, the charges against Harbhajan were finally dropped. Now, the BCCI has again threatened to pull out of the tour unless Ponting, Hussey, Lee and Clarke follow Gilchrist and retire from the game with immediate effect.

Adam Gilchrist and his surprise retirement. It’s clear that following the repercussions of the Sydney test – no more sledging, no more gamesmanship, no racism – Gilly sees no real reason to carry on playing the game anymore.

A proud moment for India. ISB now ranks 20^th in the latest FT global B-school rankings. A small concern though. Hogwarts also finds a place in the list at 14^th.

The Government has introduced an ambitious financial transaction surveillance project to track big spending citizens and their tax filings. That explains why I saw Shah Rukh Khan driving a Nano the other day.

Tamil Nadu CM Karunanidhi called for a joint effort to fight global warming at a recent meeting. Sure. If politicians stopped blowing all this hot air like they cared about the issue, that would be a good start in itself.

The Chennai Corporation will soon have a detailed set of rules for garbage disposal. Isn’t this awesome? Finally someone is doing something about Vaiko!

In a Democratic convention yesterday, Ted Kennedy announced that he was now passing the Kennedy mantle to Obama. Wow. But he still wouldn’t pass the keys to his Mini-Bar. Now that’s a true Kennedy!

Barack Obama has claimed that following his win in SC, America is now ready for a change. I don’t know about America, but the Democratic Party sure is. It’s high time they won one of these elections….

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice signaled U.S. support for the forces of Palestine taking charge of the Gaza Strip's breached border with Egypt. Close to 80 Mexicans sneaked through the border into the US before she could finish making this statement.

The US has sent India another stark reminder that time is running out for the nuclear deal. India is unlikely to decide anything immediately. However, the government has offered President Bush and Dick Cheney a Padma Shree each, if it would make a difference.

China might broadcast live the first ever spacewalk by its astronauts in the upcoming mission of Shenzhou VII this year. You know what, this might actually be fascinating to a population for whom the words ‘Star Trek’ hold no significance.

A new book on Gandhi explores his final moments and contends that the Mahatma's granddaughter Manu only heard him utter: "Hey Ra..." This is the kind of thing that makes one wonder if recycling paper is really worth the effort.

Ever the opportunist, M Karunanidhi chipped in with – “I’ve been telling you all along…..there was never any “Ram”.

Coincidentally, Arun Gandhi, grandson of the Mahatma, resigned over the weekend from the peace institute named for his grandfather. This was following criticism of his comments where he said "Israel and the Jews are the biggest players" in a "culture of violence." Watching sadly from heaven, a distinct “Hey Ram’ escaped the Mahatma’s lips this time around.

Hello everybody. Apologies for the extended absence. It’s just that I was kinda busy collecting the Padma Shree the govt has generously decided to award me.

Yep. No kidding. ‘Padma’ awards for everybody. 135 in all. In fact, the only ones in the country without a Padma Shree or Bhushan against their name are Himesh Reshammiya and the cast of the movie ‘Bheema’.

As expected, Sachin won the Padma Vibhushan award. He had been previously awared the Padma Shree and Khel Ratna. Worryingly, he is now collecting more of these compared to Man of the Match awards.

Astronaut Sunita Williams also a Padma Bhushan winner. She told reporters she was really happy and that it was an out of the world feeling. “It’s not like am not used to the feeling, though” she added, tongue-in-cheek.

The old life-on-Mars debate. Bizarre images from NASA have emerged showing a naked female figure walking down a hill on the arid red planet. And today, Nikolas Sarkozy made discreet enquiries with NASA officials if she was single or married.

Speaking of the flirtatious French President, he’s currently in India on an official trip. Yesterday, he visited the Taj Mahal and was very impressed. But maybe he dint really understand the story behind the magnificent monument. Before leaving, Sarkozy signed the visitor’s book with – ‘“Inoubliable. A bientot”, which roughly translates to ‘Sucker. Alimony cheaper’.

Sarkozy also found time to visit Laxmi Mittal to check with him about ArclelorMittal’s plans to lay off 600 employees in its plant in Eastern France. In his defense, Mittal argued that he needs the few million dollars saved to buy an outrageously over-priced IPL team.

On that topic, Shah Rukh Khan made a successful bid for the Kolkota team in the IPL cricket tournament. His initial investment – an astronomical 300 Crore rupees. Understandably, the motto of his team is ‘Buck De India’.

Actor Aamir Khan has lamented the fact that children today are taught in schools to race ahead in life by ‘hook or crook’. Alright then. Maybe Aamir could introduce them to his world of Bollywood instead - where the concepts of ruthless competition, jealousy and back-stabbing just do not exist.

The US Presidential elections. Barack Obama scored a resounding win in the South Carolina primary over Hillary Clinton. He went on to proclaim that the voice of the people of South Carolina was heard loud and clear. But if she represents the average voter in the state, maybe it’s not such a good thing to have their voices heard. In all likelihood, she believes that a caucus is a plant with needles n stuff.

Stock market watch. The random movement of the Sensex over the last week has left most experts bemused. It rebounded on Friday by over 1000 points. Incidentally, the day’s fortune as per the Vodafone alert for 30 Rs/Month was – ‘Buy stocks today you friggin moron!’. Spooky!

In related news, Dr.Reddy’s Labs netted a loss of 83 Crores for Q3, 2008. This is in spite of the best efforts of their single largest consumer, Britney Spears, who accounted for more than 50 percent of all their pills sold in the quarter.

This is mind-blowing. Doctors at the rehab clinic revealed that before she was admitted, Britney had ended up taking 20 Clenbuterol diet pills, 18 herbal speed tablets, 18 Piriton anti-histamine tablets, 12 Vicodin painkillers, 10 sleeping pills, 8 antacid reflux tablets, 10 anti-hangover drugs and 6 Ritalin tablets. Or as Keith Richards calls it – Lunch.

Nicole Richie and rocker Joel Madden were blessed with a baby daughter last week. They also managed to pull off an unlikely feat in the process. We now have a human with an IQ lower than that of Homer Simpson.

On the plus side, the attending doctor confirmed that the newborn baby was healthy and weighed around eight pounds and seven ounces. Ditto for Nicole.

Sports. Sania Mirza has suffered a hamstring injury on her way to the Mixed Doubles Final at the Aussie Open. Doctors have advised her to take a break from tennis and put her feet up for a while – preferably not against the national flag this time.