Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !
Saturday, August 26, 2006
26th August, Saturday : Quirky Headlines.....Actual ones :-)
Since this is the weekend, something different from the usual for today. Here are some actual headlines from some of the lesser known publications that are quite hilarious. It is highly likely that the people who wrote these headlines are longer employed in any capacity whatsoever.
Here goes.
‘Port to get nuclear detectors that won't be set off by cat litter.’
[This just makes perfect sense. Why would anyone invest millions of dollars to make nuclear detectors that detect cat litter and the likes? All you need for that is a trained cat.]
‘Man convicted for child molestation goes free because judge accepted a Donut'.
[I don’t even understand this one. I mean, was the donut laced with chloroform or something? And what kind of message are we sending out to child molesters? That all they need is a doughnut to bait the judge? The same doughnut they used to bait the kids in the first place?]
‘Eyebrow wax herpes lawsuit to proceed’
[I don’t know what kind of a case that is……but am surprised that they managed to find a lawyer willing to take it up…..eyebrow wax herpes…..yikes!!!]
‘Dead chickens save drivers on car registration’.
[So who says that dog is man’s best friend?]
‘Belgians battle caterpillar plague with love traps’
[…….and we thought the Dutch were crazy…….and please, I don’t even want to know what those ‘love traps’ are…..eeewwwwwww]
‘Cows' urine source of lake trouble’
[I would usually associate the phrase ‘lake trouble’ with the Lochness Monster……turns out I underestimated the threat posed by our bovine companions]
'Tony, please support our breasts'
[At last some good news for Tony Blair. If the people want him to listen to what they are saying, then they better say stuff like this that grabs his attention. If THIS request doesn’t, nothing will.]
‘Hollywood post office evacuated after substance causes swelling, tingling’
[Wow…..wonder what kind of substance that is……I mean, they have tried out pretty much every kind of gross substance in Hollywood…..especially those that cause swelling and tingling…..hmmm…..could be a tough one for the medical community.]
‘Pee on Earth Day announced’
[As a race, we have done everything humanly possible to make the earth as polluted and dirty as we could……..now lets all stand up together and pee on it……come on guys…..we owe it to the planet, don’t we?]
‘Penis’ falls short of heady expectations’
[For all you people with dirty minds, the word Penis here refers to a play by Oscar winner Ernest Thompson……]
Here goes.
‘Port to get nuclear detectors that won't be set off by cat litter.’
[This just makes perfect sense. Why would anyone invest millions of dollars to make nuclear detectors that detect cat litter and the likes? All you need for that is a trained cat.]
‘Man convicted for child molestation goes free because judge accepted a Donut'.
[I don’t even understand this one. I mean, was the donut laced with chloroform or something? And what kind of message are we sending out to child molesters? That all they need is a doughnut to bait the judge? The same doughnut they used to bait the kids in the first place?]
‘Eyebrow wax herpes lawsuit to proceed’
[I don’t know what kind of a case that is……but am surprised that they managed to find a lawyer willing to take it up…..eyebrow wax herpes…..yikes!!!]
‘Dead chickens save drivers on car registration’.
[So who says that dog is man’s best friend?]
‘Belgians battle caterpillar plague with love traps’
[…….and we thought the Dutch were crazy…….and please, I don’t even want to know what those ‘love traps’ are…..eeewwwwwww]
‘Cows' urine source of lake trouble’
[I would usually associate the phrase ‘lake trouble’ with the Lochness Monster……turns out I underestimated the threat posed by our bovine companions]
'Tony, please support our breasts'
[At last some good news for Tony Blair. If the people want him to listen to what they are saying, then they better say stuff like this that grabs his attention. If THIS request doesn’t, nothing will.]
‘Hollywood post office evacuated after substance causes swelling, tingling’
[Wow…..wonder what kind of substance that is……I mean, they have tried out pretty much every kind of gross substance in Hollywood…..especially those that cause swelling and tingling…..hmmm…..could be a tough one for the medical community.]
‘Pee on Earth Day announced’
[As a race, we have done everything humanly possible to make the earth as polluted and dirty as we could……..now lets all stand up together and pee on it……come on guys…..we owe it to the planet, don’t we?]
‘Penis’ falls short of heady expectations’
[For all you people with dirty minds, the word Penis here refers to a play by Oscar winner Ernest Thompson……]
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Headlines : 24th August, Thursday
A knock-knock joke to start with.
The Sun: Knock Knock
Pluto: Who’s there?
The Sun: Not you anymore….
That’s right. Astronomers at the International Astronomical Union have decided that Pluto is no longer considered a planet under the new guidelines. As per the new guidelines, it needed to at least bigger in size than Pamela Anderson’s boobs to be considered a planet. Pluto just missed the cut apparently……
I am just so sad for Pluto, you know. It’s so unfair. If these stupid astronomers want to DO something, then could tell us how the Universe began or what the hell these black holes are……but No. They don’t have the brains to do any of that……so they indulge in these interstellar downsizing initiatives…..losers…..
When he heard this, George Bush was quite surprised. ‘Pluto was a planet?’ – he asked Cheney. ‘And what about the Sun?..........don’t tell me it’s been given the boot too……’
Meanwhile, the medicos and medical students are back at it again in India. It’s the anti-quota protests. You know what this means…….they are in the mood to have another vacation.
It is now believed that the ball-tampering row could split the entire cricketing world into two factions. That’s right, the ENTIRE cricketing world…..all 8 countries….. (Do I hear the soccer fans rotfl somewhere??....hehehehehe)
And the umpire in the middle of all this, Darell Hair, says that soon a lot of people will pay for their actions. No, he is not referring to the Pakistani’s who tampered with the ball. He is referring to all the people who wrote these ‘Hair’-based headlines. You know, ‘A Hairy affair’, ‘A Hair-raising day’, ‘A bad Hair day for the Pakistani’s’ and so on. Frankly, even I am sick of these puns already……
This shows how innocent our PM Manmohan Singh really is. He told the Lok Sabha that he had a personal assurance from George Bush that India’s interests would not be compromised with the Indo-US nuclear pact. Yeah sure. Here are some of Bush’s other assurances: ‘We will find those WMD in Iraq for sure’ and ‘The US govt. will do everything to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina’……..
The Union Cabinet has decided today that the state of Uttaranchal is to be renamed Uttarakhand. And not a moment too soon, if you ask me. In an unrelated piece of news, the terrorists who orchestrated the Mumbai blasts are now planning their next assignment in Delhi.
12 Indians, traveling by a US airliner and have been arrested in The Netherlands, and charged with disruption of flight. Apparently, they threw the Pepsi bottles served to them back at the air hostesses while singing ‘Vande Mataram’ rather loudly in a chorus.
And, yeah…..we finally have an answer to the question that’s been bothering us all these months…….’Vettayudu Vilayadu’ is definitely releasing before Windows Vista.
The Sun: Knock Knock
Pluto: Who’s there?
The Sun: Not you anymore….
That’s right. Astronomers at the International Astronomical Union have decided that Pluto is no longer considered a planet under the new guidelines. As per the new guidelines, it needed to at least bigger in size than Pamela Anderson’s boobs to be considered a planet. Pluto just missed the cut apparently……
I am just so sad for Pluto, you know. It’s so unfair. If these stupid astronomers want to DO something, then could tell us how the Universe began or what the hell these black holes are……but No. They don’t have the brains to do any of that……so they indulge in these interstellar downsizing initiatives…..losers…..
When he heard this, George Bush was quite surprised. ‘Pluto was a planet?’ – he asked Cheney. ‘And what about the Sun?..........don’t tell me it’s been given the boot too……’
Meanwhile, the medicos and medical students are back at it again in India. It’s the anti-quota protests. You know what this means…….they are in the mood to have another vacation.
It is now believed that the ball-tampering row could split the entire cricketing world into two factions. That’s right, the ENTIRE cricketing world…..all 8 countries….. (Do I hear the soccer fans rotfl somewhere??....hehehehehe)
And the umpire in the middle of all this, Darell Hair, says that soon a lot of people will pay for their actions. No, he is not referring to the Pakistani’s who tampered with the ball. He is referring to all the people who wrote these ‘Hair’-based headlines. You know, ‘A Hairy affair’, ‘A Hair-raising day’, ‘A bad Hair day for the Pakistani’s’ and so on. Frankly, even I am sick of these puns already……
This shows how innocent our PM Manmohan Singh really is. He told the Lok Sabha that he had a personal assurance from George Bush that India’s interests would not be compromised with the Indo-US nuclear pact. Yeah sure. Here are some of Bush’s other assurances: ‘We will find those WMD in Iraq for sure’ and ‘The US govt. will do everything to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina’……..
The Union Cabinet has decided today that the state of Uttaranchal is to be renamed Uttarakhand. And not a moment too soon, if you ask me. In an unrelated piece of news, the terrorists who orchestrated the Mumbai blasts are now planning their next assignment in Delhi.
12 Indians, traveling by a US airliner and have been arrested in The Netherlands, and charged with disruption of flight. Apparently, they threw the Pepsi bottles served to them back at the air hostesses while singing ‘Vande Mataram’ rather loudly in a chorus.
And, yeah…..we finally have an answer to the question that’s been bothering us all these months…….’Vettayudu Vilayadu’ is definitely releasing before Windows Vista.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
23rd August, Wednesday : Top Ten List # 3
Its Top 10 time people. I hope to have one up every Wednesday. So, the two regular features will be the Top 10 lists on Wednesday evenings and the ‘Clown of the Week’ award on Sunday evenings.
Today’s topic is about the South African cricket team’s hurried exit from Sri Lanka following a bomb blast near their team hotel. Well…..at least that is what they say is the official reason. I think the real reasons are quite different.
So here goes.
The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....
The Top 10 reasons why I think the South African team really left for home in a hurry abandoning the Tour of Sri Lanka-
10. The forecast was for heavy rains and none of the South Africans had brought their raincoats.
9. Many of the players were haunted by dreams of Murali chucking hand grenades at them from across the pitch.
8. There was not a single strip club within 15 miles of Colombo.
7. Hashim Amla’s room-mate actually heard him mumbling –‘Long live the Al Qaeda’ in his sleep.
6. The potatoes that Shaun Pollock bought from the local Supermarket started exploding when he tried cutting them.
5. The South Africans were scared that all these bombings would trigger another tsunami.
4. Rumours were rife that Oprah Winfrey was making a surprise visit to Africa next week.
3. The Lankan cricket board announced that the post match interviews would be done in Sinhalese.
2. The new Ten Sports commentary team covering the Tour comprised of Kapil Dev, Azhar, Jadeja and Prabhakar.
1. According to their original schedule, they had been slated to fly back home in Air India via Mumbai.
Today’s topic is about the South African cricket team’s hurried exit from Sri Lanka following a bomb blast near their team hotel. Well…..at least that is what they say is the official reason. I think the real reasons are quite different.
So here goes.
The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....
The Top 10 reasons why I think the South African team really left for home in a hurry abandoning the Tour of Sri Lanka-
10. The forecast was for heavy rains and none of the South Africans had brought their raincoats.
9. Many of the players were haunted by dreams of Murali chucking hand grenades at them from across the pitch.
8. There was not a single strip club within 15 miles of Colombo.
7. Hashim Amla’s room-mate actually heard him mumbling –‘Long live the Al Qaeda’ in his sleep.
6. The potatoes that Shaun Pollock bought from the local Supermarket started exploding when he tried cutting them.
5. The South Africans were scared that all these bombings would trigger another tsunami.
4. Rumours were rife that Oprah Winfrey was making a surprise visit to Africa next week.
3. The Lankan cricket board announced that the post match interviews would be done in Sinhalese.
2. The new Ten Sports commentary team covering the Tour comprised of Kapil Dev, Azhar, Jadeja and Prabhakar.
1. According to their original schedule, they had been slated to fly back home in Air India via Mumbai.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Headlines : 22nd August, Tuesday
Ridiculous scenes in the Lok Sabha today over the Government's statement that singing the national song Vande Mataram on September 7 was voluntary. The BJP and the Congress MPs were involved in a fracas and the house had to be adjourned twice. So basically, they were fighting over a song that signifies our unity as a nation. Awesome!!
The plan is to make all state governments ensure that the first two stanzas of the song were sung in all schools on September 7th. Sure, we could do that. But what’s the point if the kids are singing ‘Kajra Re’ the other 364 days?
HRD Minister Arjun Singh's opinion is that singing 'Vande Mataram' should be optional for all Indians. He feels that apart from A.R.Rahman, everyone else pretty much sucks at it.
The Oval test controversy. Even after the umpires waited for 10 minutes, the Pakistan team just refused to come out onto the field and take part in the proceedings. Sorta like the French Army when called by the UN for duty in Lebanon.
The committee set up by Union Health ministry to examine the report by the CSE says that there was ‘no conclusive evidence’ on the presence of pesticides in the soft drinks. The cola companies are now accusing the CSE of ‘bottle tampering’.
In the next few days, Iran is likely to reject the Nuclear-package offered by the US. But it’s not all bad news for the US. At least they now know that Osama doesn’t hate all Americans…….
Did anyone know that today is supposed to be 'Chennai Day'? Especially if you are not an aged member of the Lions Club or the Rotary Club trying to create such artificial events to justify the pathetic existence of those organizations?
A fun headline from CNN.com to finish with. It reads - ' Speed blamed for Spain rail crash'.
Well, duh!!!! The speed is the reason why there was a crash.......no speed, no crash.
The plan is to make all state governments ensure that the first two stanzas of the song were sung in all schools on September 7th. Sure, we could do that. But what’s the point if the kids are singing ‘Kajra Re’ the other 364 days?
HRD Minister Arjun Singh's opinion is that singing 'Vande Mataram' should be optional for all Indians. He feels that apart from A.R.Rahman, everyone else pretty much sucks at it.
The Oval test controversy. Even after the umpires waited for 10 minutes, the Pakistan team just refused to come out onto the field and take part in the proceedings. Sorta like the French Army when called by the UN for duty in Lebanon.
The committee set up by Union Health ministry to examine the report by the CSE says that there was ‘no conclusive evidence’ on the presence of pesticides in the soft drinks. The cola companies are now accusing the CSE of ‘bottle tampering’.
In the next few days, Iran is likely to reject the Nuclear-package offered by the US. But it’s not all bad news for the US. At least they now know that Osama doesn’t hate all Americans…….
Did anyone know that today is supposed to be 'Chennai Day'? Especially if you are not an aged member of the Lions Club or the Rotary Club trying to create such artificial events to justify the pathetic existence of those organizations?
A fun headline from CNN.com to finish with. It reads - ' Speed blamed for Spain rail crash'.
Well, duh!!!! The speed is the reason why there was a crash.......no speed, no crash.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Headlines : 21st August, Monday
Another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like a Pakistan bowler caught with a corkscrew in his kerchief.
Total chaos at the Oval test match between England and Pakistan. The Pakistani players refused to come out to play after the umpired accused them of ball tampering. And I don’t blame the Paki’s for that. What is this……the 545th time they have been accused of ball tampering? They must be sick of it………In fact, Inzamam said that he would have gladly accepted accusations of head-butting an Englishman than the ball tampering thing all over again.
Keeping with sports. Tennis. Andy Roddick scored a shock victory over Juan Carlos Ferrero and won the Cincinatti Masters cup. Actually, the shock for everyone was to see these two guys in the finals……….. instead of Federer and Nadal as usual.
Andy Roddick has been playing quite badly for a long time now and this is his first tournament win in more than a year. Not surprisingly, Ferrero has now accused Roddick of ball tampering.
It’s official. Narayanamurthy has finally handed over the executive chairmanship of Infosys to Nandan Nilekani. The upshot – one more person working with Infy will be jobless and sitting on the bench from now on. Good for him.
Something to cheer about. India finally has someone with an assured chance of winning Gold at the Olympics. It’s Manavjit Singh Sandhu, World No.1 in Trap Shooting. Impressive isn’t it? But you know what’s the difference between him and Jaswant Singh?
Manavjit is good at trap shooting while Jaswant is best known for shooting his trap off.
I will never understand this. In a press conference today, President Bush has said that the US leaving Iraq now would be a disaster. Okay. Alright. But, a disaster compared to what? Really….what success does he have in mind when calling the pulling out a disaster? The whole project has been nothing but a disaster from the very start…..
In his genocide trial, where he is accused of willfully murdering of over 100,000 Kurdish people, Saddam Hussein has defiantly refused to enter a plea in the case. Saddam actually believes that he did nothing wrong. When he heard this, O.J.Simpson hailed him as an inspiration and a ‘fantastic role model’.
The Lebanon circus. After agreeing to a ceasefire, Israel has now done a volte face and launched a raid on the Hezbollah deep inside Beirut. Well well well………..you know what they say…..never trust a Jew unless he is on a Cross with his hands and feet safely clamped to the woodwork.
This is just sick. Osama Bin Laden’s sex slave, Sudanese woman Kola Boof has revealed in her book that Osama has a crush on singer Whitney Houston. Wow!! I wonder how Whitney will react when she finds out that Laden is lusting after her…….but one thing’s for sure – this is not going to help her with her drug problem any……..that much is for sure.
It is also exposed in the book that Osama is a racist and is openly dismissive of black women. But the good part for him is that no one can hate him, any more than they already do, because of this new revelation.
Total chaos at the Oval test match between England and Pakistan. The Pakistani players refused to come out to play after the umpired accused them of ball tampering. And I don’t blame the Paki’s for that. What is this……the 545th time they have been accused of ball tampering? They must be sick of it………In fact, Inzamam said that he would have gladly accepted accusations of head-butting an Englishman than the ball tampering thing all over again.
Keeping with sports. Tennis. Andy Roddick scored a shock victory over Juan Carlos Ferrero and won the Cincinatti Masters cup. Actually, the shock for everyone was to see these two guys in the finals……….. instead of Federer and Nadal as usual.
Andy Roddick has been playing quite badly for a long time now and this is his first tournament win in more than a year. Not surprisingly, Ferrero has now accused Roddick of ball tampering.
It’s official. Narayanamurthy has finally handed over the executive chairmanship of Infosys to Nandan Nilekani. The upshot – one more person working with Infy will be jobless and sitting on the bench from now on. Good for him.
Something to cheer about. India finally has someone with an assured chance of winning Gold at the Olympics. It’s Manavjit Singh Sandhu, World No.1 in Trap Shooting. Impressive isn’t it? But you know what’s the difference between him and Jaswant Singh?
Manavjit is good at trap shooting while Jaswant is best known for shooting his trap off.
I will never understand this. In a press conference today, President Bush has said that the US leaving Iraq now would be a disaster. Okay. Alright. But, a disaster compared to what? Really….what success does he have in mind when calling the pulling out a disaster? The whole project has been nothing but a disaster from the very start…..
In his genocide trial, where he is accused of willfully murdering of over 100,000 Kurdish people, Saddam Hussein has defiantly refused to enter a plea in the case. Saddam actually believes that he did nothing wrong. When he heard this, O.J.Simpson hailed him as an inspiration and a ‘fantastic role model’.
The Lebanon circus. After agreeing to a ceasefire, Israel has now done a volte face and launched a raid on the Hezbollah deep inside Beirut. Well well well………..you know what they say…..never trust a Jew unless he is on a Cross with his hands and feet safely clamped to the woodwork.
This is just sick. Osama Bin Laden’s sex slave, Sudanese woman Kola Boof has revealed in her book that Osama has a crush on singer Whitney Houston. Wow!! I wonder how Whitney will react when she finds out that Laden is lusting after her…….but one thing’s for sure – this is not going to help her with her drug problem any……..that much is for sure.
It is also exposed in the book that Osama is a racist and is openly dismissive of black women. But the good part for him is that no one can hate him, any more than they already do, because of this new revelation.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
20th August, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 1
Hi people. This is another new thing I am trying out. I am calling it the ‘Clown of the Week’ award, given out every Sunday. The award is pretty much self-explanatory and given the fact that, these days, there are so many people ready to make a fool of themselves in public, it will be a tough job for me to single out one of them for this honour. But I promise to do my best :-))
Here goes. The winner of the first ever ‘Clown of the Week’ award is………Rahul Dravid.
Oh yes..... It is The Wall, an unlikely candidate for this award. But he has earned it with a gem of a quote - "We are worried more about the weather than the bombs…..” during the tour of Sri Lanka.
It’s the most ridiculous thing Dravid has ever done since acting in that Kissan Jam commercial a decade ago.
First of all, how is this kind of a comment supposed to make the South African Cricket Board that has just withdrawn its players from the tour due to the security risks? It also makes a mockery of the LTTE by bringing their capabilities into the equation. They were probably thinking about assassinating the President……but now, they might be willing to put that on hold and deal with the Indian team first.
The surprising part is that Dravid is hardly known for his sense of humour or for speaking his mind. He is typically a man of clichés. Before every match in the last ten years, he has invariably said the same things. Like – ‘ We need to be focused on our game…..take it ball by ball….stick to the basics…..play to our strengths…..its a team effort…’ and so on. And out of the blue, he says something like this in a tense scenario where lives are actually at risk. Totally out of character. Probably he meant it in a good way but then, why take these chances when you are best known for being politically correct?
[Guys…….feel free to nominate your choices for the Clown of the Week award from the coming week. You can either send me an e-mail or leave it as a comment on the blog. I will take them into consideration before making the big decision every weekend :-)]
Here goes. The winner of the first ever ‘Clown of the Week’ award is………Rahul Dravid.
Oh yes..... It is The Wall, an unlikely candidate for this award. But he has earned it with a gem of a quote - "We are worried more about the weather than the bombs…..” during the tour of Sri Lanka.
It’s the most ridiculous thing Dravid has ever done since acting in that Kissan Jam commercial a decade ago.
First of all, how is this kind of a comment supposed to make the South African Cricket Board that has just withdrawn its players from the tour due to the security risks? It also makes a mockery of the LTTE by bringing their capabilities into the equation. They were probably thinking about assassinating the President……but now, they might be willing to put that on hold and deal with the Indian team first.
The surprising part is that Dravid is hardly known for his sense of humour or for speaking his mind. He is typically a man of clichés. Before every match in the last ten years, he has invariably said the same things. Like – ‘ We need to be focused on our game…..take it ball by ball….stick to the basics…..play to our strengths…..its a team effort…’ and so on. And out of the blue, he says something like this in a tense scenario where lives are actually at risk. Totally out of character. Probably he meant it in a good way but then, why take these chances when you are best known for being politically correct?
[Guys…….feel free to nominate your choices for the Clown of the Week award from the coming week. You can either send me an e-mail or leave it as a comment on the blog. I will take them into consideration before making the big decision every weekend :-)]
