Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me !

Update

2008-12-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

Anyone who still bothers to check this blog, I have moved to a different domain and will be posting here going forward. See you there!

Vetti Guy.

Headlines : February 6th, 2008

2008-02-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

Big news!! Shah Rukh Khan will soon host his next reality show which will be on the lines of the US-based show, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader. His first guest will be Raj Thackeray.

Raj Thackeray’s incendiary remarks. He accused Amitabh Bachchan and his family of making their money in Maharashtra but deciding to spend it elsewhere. The Bachchan family was not available for comment since they were away in Jaipur (Rajasthan) to lavishly celebrate Abhishek’s 32^nd birthday.

Amitabh Bachchan has taken the moral high ground by refusing to take any action against Raj Thackeray. He is not going to lodge a police complaint or move him to court or try and get the MNS activists behind bars. Amar Singh will take care of all that.

The Govt has serious concerns over BJP leader LK Advani's security, who is planning on a series of rallies nationwide. They reckon more people in the country are keen on bombing him than listening to him.

The kidney scam. Key accused Amit Kumar in deeper trouble. It now emerges that Doctor Kumar had political connections apart from underhand links with the local police. Even the BCCI concedes it can’t save him now.

Tech news. Transcend has announced its latest MP3 player, the T.sonic 850. It sports a 1.8-inches full-color screen, and up to 8GB storage capacity. The tag-line for the product is – Handy for 'Transcend'ental Meditation.

Speaking of which, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has passed away at the age of 91. He was best known for being the guru of the Beatles and the Beach Boys. And for making TM a TM.

"Being happy is of the utmost importance. Under all circumstances be happy ..." – was the Maharishi’s message. I had no idea Nicolas Sarkozy was his disciple too.

The Maharishi was born in Madhya Pradesh but went on to spread his TM concept worldwide since 1958. “No comments” said a grim-faced Raj Thackeray.

Heading into Super Tuesday, opinion polls reveal that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pretty much neck to neck. That’s closer than Bill ever got to her in the last 10 years.

Elections will be taking place in more than 22 states with huge crowds expected to turn up for voting. Not as huge as the ones for American Idol auditions. But huge nevertheless.

An egg was thrown at Muralitharan from a guy in a passing car which hit the spinner on his back. Murali was impressed and angry at the same time. He realized that he was no more the only expert at chucking spherical objects from impossible angles at people.

Reports say that when he was on a tour to India in 2002, cricketer Shoaib Malik secretly married and abandoned a Hyderabadi girl named Ayesha. The words Pakistani Skipper assume a whole new meaning in this context.

A new study at the University of Helsinki shows that women take more sick leave than men. And not just when they are in bed, the researchers pointed out.

Headlines : February 4th, 2008

2008-02-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

It’s official now. Nicolas Sarkozy is the new Sultan of Bruni (pardon the pun). In fact, he was as rich as the other Sultan of Brunei till he started paying those alimony cheques to his ex-wives.

Public reaction to Carlo Bruni has been mixed. She is an ex-supermodel and singer with a long list of past boyfriends. She was even portrayed in the French media as someone “beautiful and bionic, with an immobile face, as if sculpted in wax". No wait, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not her.

But since the announcement of the wedding, Sarkozy’s popularity has dipped considerably. In fact, experts say that his poll ratings are plunging as low as Carlo Bruni’s neckline.

India had a disruption of internet service last week as a result of breaks in three vital undersea Internet cables. So Yahoo! Search was slower than usual though Microsoft had not even bought the company yet.

The 45 billion dollar deal in the offing that has stunned the internet world. The last time Steve Ballmer offered that kind of money for a merger was when he asked his wife to marry him.

Raj Thackeray in the news. His offensive against North Indians and Amitabh Bachchan led to his Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) activists turning to violence in Mumbai. Looks like MNS actually stands for Mindless Numb-Skulls.

Raj Thackeray accused Amitabh Bachchan of making his money in Maharashstra but deciding to do things elsewhere in India. In his defense, at least Amitabh never paid taxes anywhere.

The cold spell continued in Bombay with the coldest Feb 1st recorded in the last 48 years. Little wonder that the bulls have gone AWOL and the bears are ruling at the Sensex.

With a backlog of 30 million court cases, Prathiba Patil feels that the law needs to change. She says that there is the need for dispensing quick justice without too much emphasis on protocol and formality. She is going to hand over the situation to the BCCI.

Speaking of courts, the Supreme Court rejected a petition seeking action against Narayana Murthy for allegedly insulting the national anthem by playing its instrumental version. The court ruled that instrumental versions were OK as long as it was not played by Saif Ali Khan.

So what’s with Saif Ali Khan and his guitar and his stupid stage shows?? If Mumbai-ites wanted to see tired old men on cocaine pretending to be hep rock stars, they would go see the Iron Maiden concert instead.

The government may raise petrol price by Rs 2 per litre and diesel by Re 1 per litre this week. Ratan Tata has now promised to work on making petrol that only costs 3 Rs/litre.

In a new study, Italian Urologist Dr. Maria Cerruto suggested that wearing stilettos can improve an average woman’s sex life. But only if you already have a boyfriend, she quickly clarified.

Headlines : January 31, 2008

2008-01-31T05:02:00.000-08:00

The Hitchhiker’s Guide gave us the meaning of human life – 42. Chicken sellers in Bihar have given us the value of human life – 1 kg of onions.

That’s right. Chicken sellers in Bihar have adopted a novel strategy to beat the bird flu scare and boost their dropping sales by giving a kilo of onions free with every kilo of chicken. THEY HAD TAKERS.

And I thought no one could embarrass himself more in public than being seen in a Nano.

Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, escaped serious censure last night from Eliyahu Winograd, a retired judge who led a government inquiry over his mis-handling of the war in Lebanon. Turns out the BCCI had forced the judge’s hand by threatening to walk out of the tour of Australia if the charges against Olmert were not dropped.

The Judge in charge of the Harbhajan hearing confirmed that Tendulkar's positive word about his team mate counted in his decision to clear Harbhajan of racial abuse. Finally an endorsement from Sachin where he made no money whatsoever.

But an angry Ricky Ponting sharply criticized the lifting of three-Test ban on Harbhajan Singh. He even went on to call the Judge a ‘mindless monkey’.

Addressing an issue that has blighted race relations in the country for years, the Australian government says it will apologize for past mistreatment of Australia’s Aboriginal minority. They intend to start with Andrew Symonds.

Novelist Taslima Nasrin was reportedly hospitalized when doctors at the AIIMS wrongly prescribed a heavy dose of pills as treatment for blood pressure. Today, Britney Spears checked herself into the clinic citing a headache. Fishy!

The Govt has allocated Rs 600 crore to the "Project Tiger" scheme for the conservation and rehabilitation of the endangered species. In stark contrast, the Govt in neighboring Sri Lanka has allotted a similar amount to kill as many Tigers as possible.

Democratic candidate John Edwards has pulled out of the Presidential race. He apparently did not like the fact the costs involved in the campaign forced him to have a haircut like normal people for $20.

Scientists will soon be able to cut men from the process of creating life, enabling women to have children that are biologically their own. So it’s official. There is no basis for Kevin Federline’s existence in the universe anymore.

This has astonished scientists. Satellite pictures from Mercury show geological formations never seen before on the surface of the planet – huge craters, mile-long ridges, weird rock projections…….Or, as Chennai-ites call it – North Usman Road.

Kareena Kapoor put an end to rumors about her secret marriage to Saif Ali Khan saying she wont be getting married for at least another 5 years. To which Saif remarked – “5 years, eh? So it won’t be me paying her the alimony then”.

According to a new study by Canadian scientists, girls with big breasts are prone to diabetes. The study also mentioned that girls with small breasts are prone to dia-virgin.

Headlines : January 29, 2008

2008-01-29T08:59:00.000-08:00

Following pressure from the BCCI to pull out of the ODIs, the charges against Harbhajan were finally dropped. Now, the BCCI has again threatened to pull out of the tour unless Ponting, Hussey, Lee and Clarke follow Gilchrist and retire from the game with immediate effect.

Adam Gilchrist and his surprise retirement. It’s clear that following the repercussions of the Sydney test – no more sledging, no more gamesmanship, no racism – Gilly sees no real reason to carry on playing the game anymore.

A proud moment for India. ISB now ranks 20^th in the latest FT global B-school rankings. A small concern though. Hogwarts also finds a place in the list at 14^th.

The Government has introduced an ambitious financial transaction surveillance project to track big spending citizens and their tax filings. That explains why I saw Shah Rukh Khan driving a Nano the other day.

Tamil Nadu CM Karunanidhi called for a joint effort to fight global warming at a recent meeting. Sure. If politicians stopped blowing all this hot air like they cared about the issue, that would be a good start in itself.

The Chennai Corporation will soon have a detailed set of rules for garbage disposal. Isn’t this awesome? Finally someone is doing something about Vaiko!

In a Democratic convention yesterday, Ted Kennedy announced that he was now passing the Kennedy mantle to Obama. Wow. But he still wouldn’t pass the keys to his Mini-Bar. Now that’s a true Kennedy!

Barack Obama has claimed that following his win in SC, America is now ready for a change. I don’t know about America, but the Democratic Party sure is. It’s high time they won one of these elections….

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice signaled U.S. support for the forces of Palestine taking charge of the Gaza Strip's breached border with Egypt. Close to 80 Mexicans sneaked through the border into the US before she could finish making this statement.

The US has sent India another stark reminder that time is running out for the nuclear deal. India is unlikely to decide anything immediately. However, the government has offered President Bush and Dick Cheney a Padma Shree each, if it would make a difference.

China might broadcast live the first ever spacewalk by its astronauts in the upcoming mission of Shenzhou VII this year. You know what, this might actually be fascinating to a population for whom the words ‘Star Trek’ hold no significance.

A new book on Gandhi explores his final moments and contends that the Mahatma's granddaughter Manu only heard him utter: "Hey Ra..." This is the kind of thing that makes one wonder if recycling paper is really worth the effort.

Ever the opportunist, M Karunanidhi chipped in with – “I’ve been telling you all along…..there was never any “Ram”.

Coincidentally, Arun Gandhi, grandson of the Mahatma, resigned over the weekend from the peace institute named for his grandfather. This was following criticism of his comments where he said "Israel and the Jews are the biggest players" in a "culture of violence." Watching sadly from heaven, a distinct “Hey Ram’ escaped the Mahatma’s lips this time around.

Headlines : January 27, 2008

2008-01-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

Hello everybody. Apologies for the extended absence. It’s just that I was kinda busy collecting the Padma Shree the govt has generously decided to award me.

Yep. No kidding. ‘Padma’ awards for everybody. 135 in all. In fact, the only ones in the country without a Padma Shree or Bhushan against their name are Himesh Reshammiya and the cast of the movie ‘Bheema’.

As expected, Sachin won the Padma Vibhushan award. He had been previously awared the Padma Shree and Khel Ratna. Worryingly, he is now collecting more of these compared to Man of the Match awards.

Astronaut Sunita Williams also a Padma Bhushan winner. She told reporters she was really happy and that it was an out of the world feeling. “It’s not like am not used to the feeling, though” she added, tongue-in-cheek.

The old life-on-Mars debate. Bizarre images from NASA have emerged showing a naked female figure walking down a hill on the arid red planet. And today, Nikolas Sarkozy made discreet enquiries with NASA officials if she was single or married.

Speaking of the flirtatious French President, he’s currently in India on an official trip. Yesterday, he visited the Taj Mahal and was very impressed. But maybe he dint really understand the story behind the magnificent monument. Before leaving, Sarkozy signed the visitor’s book with – ‘“Inoubliable. A bientot”, which roughly translates to ‘Sucker. Alimony cheaper’.

Sarkozy also found time to visit Laxmi Mittal to check with him about ArclelorMittal’s plans to lay off 600 employees in its plant in Eastern France. In his defense, Mittal argued that he needs the few million dollars saved to buy an outrageously over-priced IPL team.

On that topic, Shah Rukh Khan made a successful bid for the Kolkota team in the IPL cricket tournament. His initial investment – an astronomical 300 Crore rupees. Understandably, the motto of his team is ‘Buck De India’.

Actor Aamir Khan has lamented the fact that children today are taught in schools to race ahead in life by ‘hook or crook’. Alright then. Maybe Aamir could introduce them to his world of Bollywood instead - where the concepts of ruthless competition, jealousy and back-stabbing just do not exist.

The US Presidential elections. Barack Obama scored a resounding win in the South Carolina primary over Hillary Clinton. He went on to proclaim that the voice of the people of South Carolina was heard loud and clear. But if she represents the average voter in the state, maybe it’s not such a good thing to have their voices heard. In all likelihood, she believes that a caucus is a plant with needles n stuff.

Stock market watch. The random movement of the Sensex over the last week has left most experts bemused. It rebounded on Friday by over 1000 points. Incidentally, the day’s fortune as per the Vodafone alert for 30 Rs/Month was – ‘Buy stocks today you friggin moron!’. Spooky!

In related news, Dr.Reddy’s Labs netted a loss of 83 Crores for Q3, 2008. This is in spite of the best efforts of their single largest consumer, Britney Spears, who accounted for more than 50 percent of all their pills sold in the quarter.

This is mind-blowing. Doctors at the rehab clinic revealed that before she was admitted, Britney had ended up taking 20 Clenbuterol diet pills, 18 herbal speed tablets, 18 Piriton anti-histamine tablets, 12 Vicodin painkillers, 10 sleeping pills, 8 antacid reflux tablets, 10 anti-hangover drugs and 6 Ritalin tablets. Or as Keith Richards calls it – Lunch.

Nicole Richie and rocker Joel Madden were blessed with a baby daughter last week. They also managed to pull off an unlikely feat in the process. We now have a human with an IQ lower than that of Homer Simpson.

On the plus side, the attending doctor confirmed that the newborn baby was healthy and weighed around eight pounds and seven ounces. Ditto for Nicole.

Sports. Sania Mirza has suffered a hamstring injury on her way to the Mixed Doubles Final at the Aussie Open. Doctors have advised her to take a break from tennis and put her feet up for a while – preferably not against the national flag this time.

Weekend news update : 6th May, 2007

2007-05-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

Its World Laughter Day today. I think the country is not short of laughs anyway. As long as we have Magistrates like Dinesh Kumar Gupta issuing arrest warrants to Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty over a kiss……

Meanwhile, the three IPS officers arrested for the killing of Sohrabuddin Sheikh in a fake encounter have been remanded in police custody till May 8. The hearing took place in a fake court, with a fake judge and fake lawyers. Even the three IPS officers dint bother to show up. They sent replacements.

Another injury scare. Rahul Dravid got hit on the nose during practice yesterday. He now has to decide which is more painful to deal with– the blow on the nose or the new contracts handed out to the team by the BCCI.

That’s right. The BCCI and the Indian players are at loggerheads over the new contracts, with reduced remunerations and restrictions on signing endorsement deals. The players are seeking counsel from their lawyers. Or as Tendulkar puts it– ‘The greatest battle lies within……..the boardroom’.

Speaking of which, Spiderman-3 has opened well in theatres worldwide. It’s about how an ordinary man is expected to perform superhero activities, while also fighting the demons of evil and stupidity inside him. But enough about Rahul Gandhi and the UP elections…..

France today voted in an election run-off - with conservative Nicolas Sarkozy and Socialist Segolene Royal, the main contenders. Irrespective of who wins, the country will celebrate by burning cars and rioting wildly in the ghettos of Paris.

If Sergolene Royal wins, she would be the first woman to get elected the President of France. Unless you count her predecessor Jacques Chirac. His reputation as a certified sissy was only enhanced by his decision to send 37 soldiers to Iraq.

There was some commotion outside PM Manmohan Singh's official residence on Thursday following a suicide attempt by a troubled man, who was having problems with his marriage. Nope…..it’s not what you are thinking….not Abhishek.

The UN Panel on Climate Change stated that global warming can be limited if average citizens make valuable contributions by making small lifestyle changes. For starters, the panel recommends that if Indians stop burning effigies of Shilpa Shetty and Rakhi Sawant, global warming would be down by as much as 10 percent by the weekend.

The world's largest passenger aircraft A-380, touched down for the first time in India to mark the second anniversary celebrations of Kingfisher Airlines, which has ordered five A-380 planes. These planes have the capacity to hold up to 850 passengers or both Vijay Mallya and his ego, whichever is larger.

Floyd Mayweather won the much touted boxing match against champion Oscar De La Hoya on Saturday. He said he was pushed on by the roaring crowd, who were busy chanting ‘We want Ali and Frazier back!’

Actress Trisha celebrated her birthday on Friday by visiting cancer afflicted people in Chennai. She explained that she usually spends birthdays with family and friends but the paparazzi dint seem to be interested in covering that sort of thing. She also said that she was very happy to be involved in this good cause – namely, promoting her upcoming movie, ‘Bheema’.

Headlines : May 2nd, 2007

2007-05-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

US President George W. Bush has vetoed a contentious Iraq war funding bill that sets a deadline for the withdrawal of US troops. His argument seems valid – if a bunch of Sunni tribals can account for al qaeda’s top man, the 300,000 marines in Iraq better not come back if they cant even get a piece of Osama’s beard.

However, the al-Qaeda has denied that its leader Abu Ayyub al-Masri has been killed. They state that the whole thing was just a fake encounter staged by some IPS officers from Gujrat.

Speaking of which, it now emerges that the Gujrat IPS officers used the help of colleagues from Andhra in the Sohrabuddin murder. Wow!! How incompetant and lazy must they be if they need outside help in dealing with an unarmed innocent civilian in a fake encounter? Classic Indian cop mentality…….

Rahul Gandhi is now working on a new approach for the UP elections by trying to reach out to people who are in distress. And by people in distress, I am referring to members of his own Congress party, whose chances Rahul has severly hurt by his childish remarks about Bangladesh and the Babri Masjid demolitoin.

Actor Sarath Kumar is all set to launch a new party in Tamil Nadu. He plans to name it MKDKM, thereby further confusing voters who are already struggling to differentiate between DMK, AIADMK, DMDK, KNPH and DDLJ.

He opined that the present day youth was largely misguided and needed proper leadership to instruct them. This is largely true, at least for the ones who go to theatres to watch his movies.

Bad news. Sachin Tendulkar injured his ankle in training today. But the master blaster allayed the fears of cricket fans confirming that there was nothing to worry about and he would still be available to act in ads at all times.

Meanwhile, the Indian team’s preparations for the Bangladesh tour start with a fitness camp, with fielding and stamina, ostensibly the key focus points. No word yet about winning, though.

Google has renamed its plain-sounding Google Personalized Homepage with the cooler sounding iGoogle. Google expects this to become a hit just because it sounds hep even though it has added no new features apart from the little I fixed before google. Hey! If it worked for the iPod…….

Dell is finally moving forward with plans to sell computers installed with Linux rather than Microsoft's Windows following constumer demand to that effect. Dell executives admitted to being surprised initially when they learnt that customers preferred not to pay hundreds of dollars for Windows when they could get that other open source thingie for free. I am myself surprised Dell is still in business……the dolts.

The Bancroft family that controls Dow Jones announced that it has rejected the audacious $5bill. bid from Rupert Murdoch to buy the company. They said that they had other factors to consider and it was not about making money and being coldly businesslike. Excuse me, but isn’t that what The Wall Street Jounal is all about??

Item girl Rakhi Sawant is upset that Budhist protestors in Nagpur burnt her effigy for hurting their sentiments. She defiantly argues that the effigy was absurdly dressed with a white top on a green skirt – a combo she would never ever consider.

Headlines : May 1st, 2007

2007-05-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hello people. Back after a long time. Thought I might as well make a come back on May Day. Something Fidel Castro failed to do.

He, however, exorted his countrymen to work hard and eliminate US domination from the world. Hmmm…..expecting others to do the dirty work while not moving ones butt from the bed for over a year. He strikes me as being more Indian than Cuban in spirit…….

There was some commotion in the Trivandrum International Airport today following a bomb scare. It later turned out be a hoax. The prank calls were traced to the homes of three IPS officers from Gujrat.

The Congress govt is all over the BJP with the revelations about the fake encounters in 2005 conducted by the anti-terrorist unit in Gujrat. I personally feel the Congress are taking it too far by trying to pin the Modi govt. for Bob Woolmer’s murder as well.

The Centre has responded to this by ordering the CBI to probe further into the matter. Now am all confused. Do they really want to find out the facts? If so, why is the CBI involved?

This is worrying. The US State Department's report on global terrorism has stated that terrorist group Jaish-e-Mohammed is investing in the Indian real estate to raise funds for its activities. And when the report talks about ‘real estate’ investments, its not even counting Kashmir !!!

Israelis are now clamouring for PM Ehud Olmert to resign following his leadership failure and disatrous campaign in Lebanon. In unrelated news, Rahul Dravid has been retained skipper for the Bangladesh tour.

The Indian team hit a new low by slipping below Bangladesh to be placed ninth in the latest Maruti Suzuki Cricket Ratings. The BCCI has responded by taking stern measures to curb the downslide. No Indian player will henceforth be allowed to endorse any products being advertised in Bangladesh.

The Middle East. Reports claim that the al Qaeda leader in Iraq-Abu Ayyub al-Masri- has been killed by members of the local sunni tribes. What an irony !! Hundreds of thousands of marines, billions of dollars spent on weapons and intelligence over 4 years……and a couple of random tribesmen named Haq and Aqib equipped with a stick and a couple of stones get the job done just like that.

Talking about Iraq, Prince Harry of Britain has bizarrely opted to join the troops and serve the army in the violence-prone region. Or as JK Rowling calls it – ‘Prince Harry Potty and the Deathly Hallows’.

Richard Gere has confessed that his kiss on stage with Shilpa Shetty had a lot to do with him not being aware of the local culture. Really? I am sure that Gere, who is a devout Buddhist, knows that the Buddha never included the clause that deals with kissing-an-unknown-person-onstage-when-there-for-a-charity-fundraiser in his Noble Eightfold Path.

Meanwhile Shilpa Shetty’s media spokesperson confimed that the “actress” was not bothered by the kiss and would be even willing to have sex with Richard Gere on stage if it could attract more media attention.

Rakhi Sawant in trouble again. According to the protesters from the Buddhist community, Sawant was shown in a bath tub in a TV show against the background of a statue of Lord Buddha. That was not the real issue though. The Buddha statue was apparently seen bending over and peeping into the tub.

Technology news. Samsung has now begun producing flash memory chips fabricated with an ultra-dense 51 nanometer process technology. Samsung claims that these revolutionary chips can hold a massive 16 GB of information as well as actress Namitha in them quite comfortably.

24th April : Top Ten List (feat. Sachin Tendulkar)

2007-04-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Sachin Tendulkar turned 34 today. As someone who has achieved pretty much everything in the game of cricket (apart from winning a world cup, making a triple hundred and scoring at more than 2 runs/over against Ashley Giles), his career is now, admittedly, at crossroads. Although his class and genius are undeniable, age has finally caught up with him, as it does with most sportsmen. Critics are targeting his every move and he can’t even cut a cake these days without upsetting someone.

Tendulkar made his debut in 1989 and since then has flourished in an 18-year long career in which he has acted in innumerable advertisements, while also finding time to play cricket in between. He has frequently been compared to the great Sir Donald Bradman, and Sachin has often confessed his desire to emulate his illustrious predecessor. Though he does not average 99.4, he did manage to score a duck in his final international innings, much like Bradman. Despite being one of the most feared batsmen of his generation, his decline as a player in international cricket since he turned 30 has been drastic. Hardly any hundreds, frequent injuries and a loss of form and confidence have reduced him to a shadow of the player he once was. This is borne out by the fact that his biggest achievement in recent times was attending the Abhishek-Aishwarya wedding. The last occasion he received a 'Man of the Match' award was when his beloved city was called Bombay. The only place where he can still display his prowess seems to be inside the pages of a comic book.

Nevertheless, being someone who still commands a large and committed following in the country, the most vital question he needs to ask himself at this critical juncture is - Will I get a shot at acting in movies if I retire from the game of cricket anytime soon? But jokes apart, the truth remains that his future in Indian cricket is in jeopardy, and his stature in the game is on the wane. One wonders what is really going on the great man's mind as he turns a year older. The aim of this blog is to make some cultured guesses in that direction.

So here goes.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 thoughts on Sachin Tendulkar's mind as he turns 34-

10. Why do the so-called "experts" want me to retire? Am getting more endorsement deals than ever before.

9. Must find out if this Ranji Trophy thing is still happening these days...

8. Everyone seems to have forgotten I scored over 1,800 runs in ODI cricket.............in 1998.

7. Wonder if I will captain the team in the 2011 World Cup.

6. Do I endorse Coke or Pepsi? Or both?

5. Don't understand how are out of the WC. I have more hundreds than the entire Bangladeshi team combined.

4. If I had to suffer from a tennis elbow, how come Roger Federer doesn't have a problem with his cricket collar-bone?

3. I agree with Saurav. We need to blood more youngsters in the team.

2. So what if I never won the World Cup? Neither did Bradman.

1. What is this bald guy with earrings doing at my b'day party?

Koffee with Karan : Extended reel version with Jaya Bachchan

2007-04-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

The country is gearing up for the wedding of the century. Abhishek and Aishwarya. Ahead of the wedding, the Bachchan residence resembles a fortress. Absolute secrecy. Most of the Mumbai police have dropped their regular duties and are positioned around the house to guard agaisnt intruders. “We Bachchans always value our privacy. We are really keen on keeping the media out of the wedding. Only then, we can sell exclusive rights to the wedding pics and videos to ‘Hello’ magazine for the maximum price. We hope everybody respects our feelings in this regard and extends their co-operation” – said Amitabh Bachchan in a candid statement to the press recently. In this context, the recent appearance of Jaya Bachchan on the chat show ‘Koffee with Karan’ generated lot of buzz. She, of course, made the expected statements about Aish being the ideal wife for Abhishek, everything being rosy and happy and so on. We know she is lying through her teeth. But to what extent? As it turned out, she had an informal chat with Karan after the shooting was over. But apparently, the camera was still rolling and what follows was caught on tape. It offers an insight into what are the actually state of affairs……read on….

Karan Johar : But Didi, I remember you saying the same thing about Karishma Kapoor four years back. That she was perfect for the family...

Jaya Bachchan : But I was on camera then as well, wasn't I?

Karan : Right. You ARE good. So now that we are off-camera, tell me honestly, sach batao– are you really happy with Rani as your bahu?

Jayaji : Of course I am Karan. Rani is such a lovable person. She is so dignified, respectful towards elders and….wait a minute!!

Karan : Hahahaha……got you!!!!!!

Jayaji : Saala! I meant Aishwarya, not Rani……..

Karan : Am sure you did. Am sure you did. I told you Didi, we are off-camera. Feel free to talk your mind…….

Jayaji : What do you want me say, Karan? That she has brought nothing to the Bachchan khandaan apart from star tantrums, trigger-happy ex-boyfriends and a massively screwed up horoscope? Is that what you want me to say??

Karan : Not in as many words. But am glad you brought it up yourself. What’s up with the horoscope thingy? Am reading all sorts of stories in the papers…

Jayaji : Oh! Don’t even ask!! It’s been more of a horror-scope as far as I am concerned. My family astrologer says that she’s born under a poorly placed Mars. And if we go ahead with the wedding, he warns us that Abhishek will go bald within 6 months, or their first-born child will be a hobbit!!

Karan : Bilbo Bachchan!! Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? ;-)

Jayaji : Karan…..mazaak mat kar!!!

Karan : Ok ok……no more kidding. Haven’t you guys been going crazy visiting all sorts of temples in the last few months to set that right?

Jayaji : Oh yeah……very strenuous. Besides, we Bachchans are not used to worshipping anything apart from ourselves. So, it’s been trying, yes…

Karan : And what is this that I hear? About the wedding being a very private affair?

Jayaji : It’s true. Going to be a very personal, intimate, family occasion. The wedding party will consist of 15 people at the most. Abhishek, Kareena and 13 representatives from ‘Hello’ magazine.

Karan : Aishwar…

Jayaji : Yes yes. Aishwarya. Pyaari si Aishwarya.

Karan : What about you and Amitji?

Jayaji : I have a facial appointment that day. And Amitji will be out shooting a Cadbury’s ad. You know, the ‘Kuch meetha ho jaaye’ one. We can always take a look at the pics later,no?

Karan : Absolutely. And I know its silly….but Salman? Heard some silly rumours that he might be part of the event?

Jayaji : Actually, that’s true. We are thinking of leaving him at the gates, with a couple of AK-47s. He is borrowing them from Sanju. That should keep the pepper-faces at bay.

Karan : Kya? Oh!! Papparazzis……

Jayaji : Haan….wohi.

Karan : By the way, am I invited?

Jayaji : Do you work for ‘Hello’ magazine?

Karan : Theek hai Daadi maa. Looks like you have your priorities sorted out. And how much have sold the rights to the wedding pics for? Heard it was $ 8 million?

Jayaji : What!!!!!! I clearly instructed Amitabh not to negotiate for anything less than 10 mill……but then again, it’s not about the money. It’s about Abhishek’s and Priety’s special day.

Karan : You mean Aishwarya.

Jayaji : Hey Ram!!. I keep doing that!!

Karan : As long as it’s you and not Abhishek. What about sceptics who claim that this whole wedding is just an elaborate excercise in building "Brand Bachchan"?

Jayaji : Its nothing of that sort. Let me tell you something boy. Abhishek, Amitji and Ayesh……tsk, tsk - and Aishwarya are worth 700 crores at the moment in terms of the movies and endorsements riding on them. You got that? 700 Crores!!! We are hoping that this number will double once the marriage takes place and the happy couple can endorse products together.

Karan : But....but thats what I said.....enhancing brand bachchan.....

Jayaji : Oh......is that what you meant?

Karan : Moving on....Didi.....can I ask you something very personal? Given that you are focused on developing a brand around the family, how much of a concern is the fact that Abhishek and Aish don’t have a cool celebrity-couple nickname yet?

Jayaji : You mean like TomKat....or Branjelina?

Karan : Exactly! AbhiAsh is the best they have come up with so far. And it sucks, to be honest.

Jayaji : You dont think we are aware of that?? We are roping in the best numerologists from around the world to fix that. We have a couple of ideas so far. If we change Aishwarya's second name to Raimilk,with milk silent of course, then we could call them Milk-shek. Alternatively, if we can add a silent Tr before Abhi's name, we could call them TrAsh. We are looking at it from other angles as well.

Karan : I hope that works out. Tell me something. Will Sushmita work in films after the wedding? Am sure you were not happy with her kiss with Hrithik in Dhoom-2?

Jayaji : Very funny chotu. It depends on Aish. And whether she finds her co-star hot. I was not too thrilled about the kiss though. In my days, I could never imagine kissing Amitji before we were a married couple….

Karan : Lets face it. You could hardly reach that high to kiss him in the first place. Even with heels. It must have been a tall order for you, na?

Jayaji : Nevermind that. This generation…..You know, all I wanted for my son was the best girl in the whole world. That’s all.

Karan : The best?

Jayaji : Yes, the best.

Karan : You mean, Mallika Sherawat? Did she turn down Abhishek?

Jayaji : I don’t even understand why she………but Hey hey hey!!! Dint you call me Daadi maa sometime back??? I think you did too…..How dare you!!! I am only 59……come here, you brat!!!

At this point Karan scrambles away from the scene with Jayaji in hot pursuit………

'Hi......wanna b frends??' - A beginner's guide to Orkut

2007-04-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

With the terrorists and Simon Cowell and Global warming and Shilpa Shetty all throwing their weight about in recent times, a cloud of gloom and despondency envelops the collective psyche of humanity. It might surprise many that, even in the midst of all this, there exist a select bunch of people who display a unique brand of cheerful (but misplaced) optimism, that one can’t help but admire them. To be more specific, I refer to the all those weird, faceless, online lotharios who haunt the colorful realms of the social networking site, Orkut. For ardent members of the site, like me, these chaps are a perennial source of entertainment.

But first, what is Orkut?
Orkut is a means through which you can systematically organize all your friends from everywhere in a single, personal, online community and then proceed to totally ignore them. ( I mean, how insane is THAT?? We have more means of staying in touch than ever before – cell phones, mails, chats, social networking sites – and yet I keep hearing the phrase ‘long time, no hear’). It works like this – you first register with the site and then almost immediately embark on a feverish campaign to add as many “friends” to your account as possible in the shortest possible time. Anything less than a 100 friends two weeks into your stint means that you have failed at the first hurdle. You are not part of the Orkut ‘elite’. You shall be looked down upon, as Kevin Federline by other celebrities, at a Malibu Rehab Clinic. Around 250 is the optimum level. If you have more than 500 friends, it can mean one of two things – either you are a power-hungry megalomaniac. Or you are a random babe named Sheela with a hot profile pic.

The Profile Pic

This is the initial point of reference for your pals on Orkut. It can make or break your future as a potential superstar in the community. Having said that, if you are a guy, feel free to put whatever pic you want to. Doesn’t matter one bit. If you are a girl, however, the profile photo gains tremendously in importance. It’s your ability to pick the perfect pic – which portrays you as being sexy and cute, thoughtful yet fun-loving, in the exact right ratio – that will dictate the number of random friend requests that you will receive per day in your scrapbook. The importance of this cannot be over-emphasized. Anything less than 5 requests per week on average implies that you have been condemned by the Orkut fraternity as being as attractive as Princess Camilla. In such an eventuality, it would be a sensible move to have a picture of a flower/tree/landscape/cute puppy/film actress, instead.

Scraps

Orkut provides a means of staying connected with your friends through the concept of, for want of a better word, 'scraps'. When you leave a 'scrap' for your friend, the tacit message you are actually sending him/her is - I do not wish to take the time to compose a proper email or call you, and this is the best I can do. I am, however, willing to throw in a bunch of smileys to soften the blow for you somewhat. A typical scrap might go along the lines of 'hi :))))'. Or even 'Hey!!!!!!. Scrap back sometime'.

Sup/’ssup/Wassup/Wazzup

Now, I find that 'wassup' is one of those questions thrown quite often at me. It’s the easiest thing to ask but just about the most difficult to answer. More so, when you have answered it only the previous day. I mean, how much does a typical IT professional's life change over the course of 24 hours? And after replying to a zillion scraps each day with 'not much man', you just end up convinced that your life is an inexorable series of boring cubicle-dwelling days with no hope in the horizon. Visit any scrapbook and you will invariably come across exchanges between buddies that run like -

'Hey man. ssup?'
'Yo…..going on. How's life?'
'Life's good. Hw u doin?'
'Doing good. So wazzup??????????'
and so on and so forth. And then we wonder where today's youth has gone wrong........

Before you become a full-fledged member, you will have to fill out several details about your personality. Ironically, by the time you are done filling all the columns, it becomes evident that you don’t have a personality worth wasting server space over.

The first thing you fill out is the 'About Me' section.
This is a potential pitfall for novices. Do not make the mistake of actually writing something about you. Especially guys. That would just drive away any female who happens to land on your profile page by mistake. Instead, use this as an opportunity to appear way more clever and intellectually sophisticated than you actually are. Quote some arbitrary western philosopher. Sartre or Kierkegaard preferably. Or a few lines from a poem by Emily Dickinson. Lyrics from a rock song can make a statement. (But studies reveal that women are prone to condemning rock music as noise. So that’s a calculated risk). If you are a girl and in need of a quick cheer-up tonic, just include this disclaimer on your profile – ‘If I don’t know you already, DO NOT add me as a friend. I don’t want to make any friendships with anyone.’ This is a fool-proof method and can ensure a feeling of sustained euphoria for over 24 hours.

Relationship Status

Women can use this to ward off any unwanted suitors at the very outset. At least that’s what you would think. Probably, internet predators check this out first. If the girl happens to be single, they greet her with this jolly message – ‘Hey Lollypop! Wanna mak frentships?’ If she happens to be ‘committed’, they make her an improved offer – ‘Hiiiiii…… Can we become in decent frendsip?’ It’s a lose-lose situation either way. For guys whose scrap count is moving slower than a tortoise with arthritis, just change your status from ‘Single’ to ‘Committed’ or vice versa and watch the scraps pour in like nobody’s business. It works, trust me.

Fans

It’s really not clear what a ‘fan’ is. Let’s just say that when you become a ‘fan’ to a lot of people, some of them will return the favor. Out of pity. You can celebrate if and when they do. Enough said.

Misc.

There are a few other categories - like your preferences in books, music and cinema. Here are a few tips. Always mention Jazz. It’s supposed to be cool. Ditto for Ayn Rand in the books column. Even if you have never read ‘The Fountainhead’, or even used it as a makeshift headrest for an afternoon siesta, put it prominently in your books category. Movies by Scorcese and Cuppola are safe bets. Kurosawa earns you an appreciative nod. If you are a smoker/drinker, use the ‘trying to quit’ option, though you have no such intention. Shows your character. Might impress some girl. Similarly, ‘Mother’s cooking’ under the cuisines section is always endearing. Will definitely impress some girl.

Personals

The first thing is your ‘Ideal Match’: Kindly resist all temptation to write ‘Home lite’, or India v Pakistan etc. Not funny.

‘First thing you will notice about me’: If you are good looking or have prominent features, you can mention that. If you are someone using a flower pot in your profile pic (like we discussed earlier), just say ‘my eyes’. It’s the standard option for people like us.

‘Best feature’: Always use the ‘not on the list’ option. Makes people wonder.

‘Turn On’s: If you are someone who says creativity and intelligence are turn-ons, it’s ironic if you also mention ‘Candlelight dinner’ or a ‘A long walk by the sea shore’ as your ‘Idea of a perfect first date’.

‘Turn-off’s: The universal choice here seems to ‘hypocrites’. And yet I notice that many who say they hate hypocrites also have Hrithik Roshan or Sharapova as their profile pic. Baffling.

‘Five things I can't live without’: Ensure that you only mention 5 things. Else you just look stupid. And ‘family’ is not a thing.

Testimonials
Orkut also lets you write testimonials. You can let the world know what you think about your close friends. All within 1024 words. Yes – the creators of Orkut believe that none of us are worth writing more that 1024 words about. In any case, I observe that people have been insidiously using this facility as a veritable window of opportunity. I mean, I have seen guys say pretty much anything they want to girls without getting heels thrown at their solar plexus. You wouldn’t fancy it under normal conditions. Let me explain. Imagine this hypothetical situation. Two friends. Talking. Then -

Bloke A to girl - 'You know….. you are quite beautiful.'
Girl to Bloke A – ‘Whoa! Are you flirting with me??!!!'

And she breaks off the friendship and never speaks to him again. We’ve all seen this happen. Many times. But this is how it works in the mad world of Orkut.

Bloke A to girl - ' Ok...here goes. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever come across. Have known you for 4 weeks but I think you are the epitome of feminine grace and charm. You are really helpful, kind, generous, intelligent, obedient, elegant, athletic, adorable.......in short, AMAZINNNGGGGGGG!! I am proud to have you as my friend in this journey called life. Stay the same forever.........or at least, for the next few months.
Just wanted to tell you in advance that this is what I have written in your Orkut testimonial.'
Girl to Bloke A - 'How sweet!'

What is even more fascinating is to read some testimonials written by Bloke A for his male buddies.
A sample - 'Have known this bugger for over 10 years.......laziest bum in the world....LOL.......Gundooos (that’s what I call the bledy dawg) can be helpful at times and is a good friend to have. (You better pay me well for this bastard).

On top of this, you get to “approve” any testimonial your friend writes for you before it goes into your profile. Quite ridiculous, isn’t it? You could be like – ‘Machi, you haven’t used the word greatest at all. Besides, you don’t mention I am completely trustworthy. Or funny. I think I will reject this one. Not enough superlatives. Better luck next time….’

But aren’t we digressing a bit here? I was talking about these blokes who merrily go about making their presence felt by soliciting friendship deals from unknown women……….. Their philosophy seems to be simple enough. If one leaves enough of these scraps around, someone is bound to one day come back with a - ‘Hello Mr. Fun4life. I am thrilled to be your friend!! Let me dump my boyfriend and we can go on a cruise together straightaway!!’

Can’t argue with that logic, can you? (Although what is probably happening in reality is one girl showing these scraps to her friend going – ‘Look, THAT THING wants to be my friend…….hahahahahahaha’).

All said and done, I have come to the conclusion that Orkut is just another one of those things designed with the sole intention of making guys look bad – along with serial killers, Lallu and pony tails. It’s a complete waste of time, there is no meaningful exchange of thoughts or information and nobody bothers to stay in touch anyway. So, it begs the question – why be on Orkut at all?

Any answers anyone?

February 3rd : January 2007 - The Month that was...

2007-02-03T02:22:00.000-08:00

Lets get started with the important stuff first…….

It’s official. Ash and Abhishek have finally admitted to the world that they are a couple and are engaged. (But Mani Ratnam still refuses to concede that ‘Guru’ is about the Ambanis – no one really knows why). Abhishek has been hopping from one temple to another with his beau to ward off the effects of certain external evil forces – or to put it differently, ALL THE OTHER GUYS IN THE COUNTRY!! Reports indicate that Salman Khan has borrowed an AK-47 from Sanju Dada and is headed towards the Bachan residence – and he aint plannin’ on shooting any blackbucks this time around!!!!!

We had Pongal this month. It’s a festival celebrating the farmer's rich harvest of crops during the season........unless of course, you are a farmer in Singur, West Bengal. Man! That’s been one heckuva controversy.......Mamta Banerjee fighting against the Tata's plan to setup a plant in Singur and build their ambitious Rs.1 Lakh car. Mamta argued this is another one of those moral dilemmas facing each of us. Let me see- On the one hand, all these farmers in Singur lose their livelihood. On the other, I get to own a brand new car for next to nothing. Hmmm....seems like a win-win to me. In any case, Mamta decided that the best way to protest was a Satyagraha, which she ended once it became clear she had to go without having food.....

The Nithari killings. The whole country is in a state of shock. People are wondering where the hell was the law when all this was happening….Well, if only they spent more time tracking criminals and less time doing silly marches for the President on Republic Day. I don’t know why they continue to do this…..is anyone really impressed anymore? In any case, the chief cop in charge, SSP Rathore of Noida, has been shifted due to public pressure following his shoddy work in handling this affair. He is now headed to a district in Lucknow, where the government apparently is ok with young children being murdered. I mean, what’s THAT about? Just throw him out or put him in jail!! Along with Sidhu if possible. He can at least spend a few days in the cooler before Biti Mohanthy’s dad rescues him eventually, like he did with his son, from that jail in Rajasthan.

KBC 3 with Shah Rukh Khan is underway people!! Participants are faced with an immense choice – Is it worth winning the 2 crores if you have to sit and listen to Shan Rukh trying out his irritating, and slightly gayish, brand of “coolness” for an entire episode from right across the table??? In fact, ratings have been plummeting so fast that show’s producers are longing for the days of the Big B’s lifeless drone already……….Oh! And by the way, this season’s first winner – Shilpa Shetty. Who else? :-)

As you have all heard by now, Shilpa Shetty has won the controversial 'Big Brother' reality TV show. The show is about a bunch of second-rate “celebrities” stuck in a house for a month and having to tolerate each other’s presence while staying in control. Wait a minute – shouldn’t Manmohan be winning an award as well? He has been handling the clowns in the Parliament for much longer. Interestingly, Shilpa was allegedly a victim of racism in the show, with an inmate calling her a bitch, an Indian ‘pappodom’, disgusting and so on. The line between being racist and being honest has just gotten thinner, innit? To ease her pain, she gets to win 400,000 pounds besides a Hollywood movie deal, a book deal, 2 Golden Globes, and the chance to make fun of Donald Trump's hair without getting sued.

To give you an idea how big an amount that is – it’s only 248 million lesser than what David Beckham has been paid to move to LA Galaxy soccer team in the US. That’s right!! But football experts feel that it is a huge waste of money and could prove to be a massive liability. Not the move……. his hanging onto Posh Spice. Realistically speaking, Beckham will have minimal impact in the US with the majority of the sporting public ignoring him and his antics. Basically the same situation that existed in Real Madrid. What might be in his favour is his knowledge of the Spanish he picked up in Madrid- that will count for something in Los Angeles, where Espanola is the official language.

The 64^th annual Golden Globes. As we all know, the Globes serve to indicate what’s likely to happen at the Oscars – specifically, which are the celebrities who are likely to make a gaffe with their fashion sense in a month’s time. This year also set quite a few records. For instance, more than 2,307 mothers were thanked, 35 winners forgot to mention their wives and Forest Whitaker kept saying ‘Wow..Wow’ for 2 straight minutes. ‘Babel’ starring Brad Pitt won the Best Movie award. It’s about how Pitt gets stuck in a place with people from different races and desperately struggles to understand their words. Not too different from a typical babysitting session at home for Brad, right? Scorcese won for Best Director which almost certainly means he has no chance at the Oscars. Everyone agrees on that. And Al Gore will be hoping to win at the Oscar’s for his documentary – which would be the first time he would win anything in America that involves voting.

Speaking of Gore, George Bush now has to face up to the fact that Nancy Pelosi is the first female Speaker of the Congress, or as he calls it, ‘An Inconvenient Truth’. Nancy re-iterated the need for Democrats and Republicans to work together in a bipartisan consensus- to which Bush remarked – ‘Sure, as long as it does not involve listening to YOU all day’!

Sad news. Legendary satirist Art Buchwald has passed away at the age of 81. You know what that means? - It leaves us with John Kerry as the only political humorist on the scene now. On the plus side for Bush, there is one less person mocking his latest brainwave to send more troops to Iraq. He dealt with these issues in his State of the Union address. He admitted that the administration had failed in the execution of their strategy in Iraq (all except the Saddam execution….that was properly carried out…..with video coverage and everything). He asked the 20 percent of the people who still have faith in him to be more patient. The rest of the country was watching the premiere of the latest season of American Idol instead.

The Australian Open. Where Andy Roddick was ruthlessly beaten in straight sets by Roger Federer. No wonder Jimmy Connors called it a Grand Slam. Andy has vowed to go back to the training ground and work even harder at his game so that he can be much fitter and focused when he loses to Roger the next time. Nadal once again proved that he develops feet of clay when he is playing on any other surface. On the women’s side, Serena shocked everyone by winning the title. She beat Sharapova in less than 60 minutes to leave her dad Yuri with too little time to help Maria with some illegal coaching from the Player’s box. If rumors about Venus also making a comeback are true, MaSha is more than willing to join Clijsters and retire from the sport by the end of next month. The doubles and mixed doubles events also took place. Since no one cared what happened there, they just drew lots to decide the winners. I somehow suspect Shilpa Shetty figured among the winners….don’t ask me how…..

And some other tidbits –

Novelist Sidney Sheldon has passed away at the age of 89. Now, he can actually find out what’s waiting on the other side of midnight.
Justine Henin has split from her husband and has decided to drop his name with immediate effect. Sure….there’s no Hardenne fast rule that she has to keep it anymore, right?
The WI tour of India. Sachin Tendulkar finally scored a masterful hundred after 45 matches and made his critics eat their words. If you recall, they had boldly claimed that Sachin would go 46 matches without scoring a single hundred.

25th December, Monday : Christmas Day Special Post

2006-12-25T06:11:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I posted anything. And Christmas day is as good a day as any to make a comeback. We all know what Christmas is all about – celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ with your whole family by buying each other a lot of expensive gifts that will be most probably exchanged for something else the next day. I love it. Today’s post is about the gifts some of our favourite celebrities received. Read on…..

Kavya Vishwanathan: A new copying machine……..or, as she calls it, a Laptop.

Saurav Ganguly: He got his place back in the team. No more gifts for him!!

Osama bin Laden: A hardbound edition of the illustrated Koran. Bigger and better than ever. All drawings by Pope Ratzinger.

Sanjay Dutt: He was hoping for 72 virgins. I don’t know what he got. But he did not get THAT.

Mel Gibson: ( from his daughter) - 2 front row tickets to ‘The Holocaust damn well happened’ Conference to be held next week in Auschwitz.

Zinadine Zidane: ( from Materazzi) - An early edition CD of the hit cartoon show ‘Beavis and Headbutt’

Madonna: (From Angelina Jolie) - Home delivered parcel with baby Kim Jong II wrapped in cotton wool. ( with a note that read – You’re welcome).

Santhi Soundarajan: ( from the CM ) - 15 lakhs, a Plasma TV and John Gray’s bestselling book – ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Santhi is from …………South India?'.

Rafael Nadal: ( from Federer ) - A brand new ClayStation 3 gaming console where Wimbledon is played on clay.

Ariel Sharon: A ‘Get well soon’ card from Fidel Castro.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad : ( from Kofi Annan ) - An invite to play ‘Deal or no Deal’ with the UN Sec Council members at the upcoming Toronto session.

George Bush: ( from Tony Blair) - Free coupons to a Spa in Germany with massages by Angela Merkel.

Robert Gates: ( from Donald Rumsfeld ) - A copy of Kiran Desai’s novel ‘The Inheritance of Loss’.

Michael Richards: Membership to Anger Management classes conducted by Toni Soprano.

Lindsay Lohan: ( from Paris Hilton ) : DVD version of the movie 'Crash'.

Salman Khan: He got nothing. Santa was worried Salman might shoot his reindeer when he was busy handing out the gifts.

Merry Christmas everybody !!! :-)

7th December, Thursday : Top Ten List # 6

2006-12-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

Back with a post after a few days. It’s been a while since we had a post with a Top 10 list. And with the Sanjay Dutt trial making a lot of headlines, I thought why not make that the topic this time around.

Sanjay Dutt was convicted of illegally possessing weapons but cleared of conspiracy charges in connection with a series of bomb blasts in Mumbai that killed 257 people in 1993. "During the reasoning, I have not found him to be a terrorist or a destructor," Judge Pramod Kode told a crowded anti-terrorism court. Which is just ridiculous. And everyone knows that. We have all sorts of reasons and proof that clearly show that Sanju was a criminal and an aide of the terrorists.

So here goes.
The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 reasons why I think Sanju Dada is a terrorist and an aide of the mafia-

10. Claiming that the ten AK-47 rifles and 2 dozen grenades were just Birthday gifts from his uncle in Peshawar.

9. Azhar defending Dutt saying he was innocent and blameless.

8. His next movie is titled - 'Lagey Raho Dawoodbhai'

7. His favourite family vacation spot is Kashmir.

6. The Defense Attorney was none other than Barath Shah.

5. Dean Jones called him a terrorist in his newpaper column.

4. His daughter is in Afghanistan for her Higher Studies.

3. He kept addressing the Judge as 'Godfather'.

2. He is soon coming out with a book titled -' Lets say, hypothetically, that I did it'.

1. He actually said - 'I am a Patriot'.

Headlines : 3rd December, Sunday

2006-12-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

Weekend news update.

Navjot Singh Sidhu has been found guilty of culpable homicide in the 1998 road rage case where he killed a man in a street fight. I say put him in jail with a few of those rioting Dalits who are causing trouble lately. They should take care of each other I think.

Have some bad news. Seema Antil, the national record holder in Discus Throw, has tested positive in dope tests conducted before the Asian Games. It’s a serious issue. This does give the Indian Olympic Association - pardon the PJ -something to discuss in real earnest with its athletes.

Manmohan watch. The PM is in Manipur right now to assure the people of state that the centre had not forgotten its existence. He agreed that they were entitled to the same privileges and protection of laws enjoyed by other citizens. Which is why the govt. had taken no initiatives there till now, he explained.

Scotching speculation that he will re-enter politics, Amitabh Bachchan has confirmed that he has no such plans since he is "totally inadequate" for the job. Well......going by that line of reasoning, how come he didn’t stop Abhishek from entering the movie business??

It seems Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had recently advised President Bush that the administration's strategy in Iraq was not working. Rumsfeld said he could observe several indications to that effect. And the clearest one must have been the fact that he got fired, methinks :-)

Meanwhile, George Bush promised Americans that his administration has a solid plan in place to improve the situation in Iraq. Oh well....his party losing the mid-term election is a good first step if you ask me.

Hugo Chavez is seeking a new six-year term to complete his socialist revolution in the presidential elections coming up. His main challenger, Manuel Rosales, wants to keep a market-based system. The voting population is apparently divided into two factions - the ones who disapprove of Hugo Chavez and on the other side, his family.

Ex-Seinfeld actor Michael Richards has pledged to apologize in person to four black audience members he targeted in a recent racist outburst. Well, that might seem like a big deal. But only until you realize that he did insult them in person, in the first place.

Paris Hilton has canceled her appearance at next week's Billboard Music Awards because she didn't like the jokes written for her. The producers of the show were disappointed. 'The jokes weren't THAT bad. It wasn't as if we had John Kerry write them, you know' - they said when speaking to the press.

This is weird. A Chinese teenager tried to kill himself after running up a massive bill calling phone sex numbers. It seems the longest call ran for more than 4 hours!!! But that’s not the creepy part. On the other end of the phone - Mark Foley.

Sad news. A snake charmer who made a name for himself as Malaysia's Snake King has died after being bitten by a king cobra. A pity.......but hey! If it can happen to Steve Irwin........

A new study provides the first-ever scientific proof that if you eat slowly, you will eat less. Wow......what a breakthrough!! The scientists who worked on this "study" are also excited about their next two projects - verifying if people who sleep a lot really have more dreams and whether men who drive their cars to office get less exercise.

Headlines : 1st December, Friday

2006-11-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

The rains are over and its back to being hot in Chennai. People were sweating like Greg Chappel answering questions at a press conference.

As we all know, the Indian team has been performing miserably in the current tour of South Africa. And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, they just have. Thats right!!! Dada is back in the team folks!!!!!

The selectors reasoned that Ganguly's experience would be invaluable to a side underperforming and losing badly so far. Of course. When it comes to the question of consistently underperforming, no one has more experience than Saurav Ganguly in international cricket.

Moving on. It just keeps getting worse for Sanjay Dutt. He has now been arrested for desecrating an Ambedkar statue in Kanpur.

Kidding. As if it’s that simple. Sanju bhai has been convicted in the '93 Mumbai blasts case. The Judge ruled that he was guilty of pocessing dangerous weapons but he was not a terrorist. Same thing they told Dick Cheney after the shooting-his-friend-in-the-face incident.

Dutt was caught being in pocession of an AK-56 rifle and a 9 mm pistol, ammunition and several hand grenades. He argued that it was all merely for self-protection. Really? Who was he protecting himself from? North Korea?

Sanjay Dutt has urged the TADA court to give him lesser punishment as he was the sole earning member of the family. He has my sympathies. I mean, the man has a daughter, 2 grandparents and 14 terrorists living in the cellar to feed........cut him some slack here !!

National Security Advisor M K Narayanan revealed to the media today that most of the terrorists involved in the 7-11 blasts have escaped to Pakistan already. We have Sanjay Dutt in custody. That’s the good part. But the others are long gone.......

Big news. Shah Rukh will be the new host of the popular game show KBC in its third edition next year. Of course, the show would now be called K-k-k-ka-Kaun Banege Crorepati.....hehehehehehe

Kaun Banega Crorepati, eh? The answer is pretty obvious............ Shah Rukh Khan, who else? He's going to sign a multi-crore deal for sure. The participants - their situation is a bit iffy.

Sports. Did you read about this? Doping tests will be conduced on Chess players participating in the Asian Games in Doha this week. Well, I don’t see what’s the harm. If you are stupid enough to use performance enhancing drugs for this sport, you shouldn't be playing chess anyway.

The Britney divorce. It now emerges that K-Fed was having an affair with a porn star a month before the pop princess filed for divorce. And when I say porn star, I am not talking about Britney's new-found buddy, Paris Hilton.

A worrying trend. A study conducted by the University of Southern California reveals that one in five American parents believe their kids are spending too much time on the Internet. Worse yet, 4 in 5 parents took part in this survey online.

The Month that was....: Part 3

2006-11-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

BULLETIN: Actor Sanjay Dutt has been found guilty by the TADA court and convicted in the '93 Mumbai blasts case. And he wont be having the company of brother 'Circuit' to comfort him this time around in jail.......

On to the final part of the 3 part series....

The number 1 movie in the US right now is Borat. It's about a journalist from a foreign land who wants to learn about the American culture. And it doesn’t get any better or easier to learn about America than watching the story of Rev. Ted Haggard - the leader of a Megachurch with more than 30 million members who was found to have been having sexual relations with a drug-running gay prostitute for over 3 years - unfold.

In the movie, the character Borat wears a rather large moustache besides coming across as being excessively anti-Jewish. If rumors doing the rounds are to be believed, it was none other than Mel Gibson who played the role, hiding behind that bushy moustache.....

Meanwhile, Roger Federer won the Shanghai masters to cap another awesome year. He literally faced no competition on-court. His only challenge was to ensure that girlfriend Mirka did not cross the 200-pound barrier during the course of the year. (I think he failed in that one).

Federer also is involved in a number of charities - like working for his Foundation in South Africa and paying Tony Roche a salary (pension is more like it).

Saddam Hussein meanwhile has been condemned to death. He was hoping for a hung jury but the jury decided to hang him instead.

When the verdict was announced, Saddam yelled out "Long live the glorious nation of Iraq, and death to its enemies!" So, he seems to agree with the decision too..........not bad.

Saddam's lawyer dismissed the trial as a "farce". "The trial was completely illegal and the verdict was already fixed "- he argued. Poor guy. Wait till he hears about the OJ trial.........

Speaking of whom, OJ Simpson is coming out with a book of fiction titled 'If I did it', discussing how he would have carried out the murders, had he tried to. You know something amazing? OJ might be the first person to have an autobiography placed in the fiction category in bookstores and libraries.

A lot of confusion at the CAT exams this time.....the errors, the silly mistakes, the careless attitude........and all this just from the professors who set the question paper !!!

Did you read about that? The question paper was subsequently found to contain a plethora of printing errors, wrongly framed questions and other oversights. And some of the proper nouns were mis-spelt too. Like Bangalore was spelled as Bengalooru....

But wait. That's ok I guess. It's an initiative of the govt. of Karnataka. They reckoned that since the city's problems like congestion, water shortage, pollution were already taken care of, they might as well spend valuable time on this worthy pursuit.

Govt officials argued that the move was to respect the sentiments of the 50-million Kannadigas, who want to return to their roots. Sure. They can also return to their roots when they walk into the offices of their multinational employers on Monday morning in the city best known as India's outsourcing hub!!!! WTF ?!?!?!

And yeah, the Democrats have seized control of the House again...........

The Month that was......: Part 2

2006-11-26T02:41:00.000-08:00

[Editor’s Note: Although I promised to be regular henceforth, I know there was no update in the last two days :-))
In my defense, I was away in Madurai, at the Meenakshi temple attending the Abhishek Bachan - Aishwarya Rai wedding the never took place.]

Alright. Let’s get on with the real news.....

Cricket. Here's an irony. Darrell Hair got sacked for his role in the Oval test controversy. And the bowlers he accused of ball tampering, Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif, also got themselves banned for doping malpractices. All three are now taking a well deserved vacation in the Maldives together.....

Darrell Hair was also accused of being a racist, something he firmly denies. 'Who do you think I am? Michael Richards?’ he retorted to the press.

Indeed!! Seinfeld legend Michael Richards made people sit up in consternation when doing his stand-up routine at a night club, by liberally using the N word at a couple of black hecklers. He later apologized for his outburst and, not surprisingly, blamed the whole thing on Newman.

The people at the Comedy Club remarked that the only other time there was such an uneasy silence in the audience was when John Kerry made his debut as a stand-up comic last month.

That’s right. John Kerry got into trouble when he botched up a joke on Iraq during a campaign speech. You see, this is one problem George Bush never had. People are always rolling with laughter whenever he opens his mouth.

To be precise, John Kerry joked that if the youngsters in the country didn’t study properly and ignored their education, they might end up getting stuck in Iraq !! He also added that given the present administration's lack of an exit strategy, the only way they could get out would be if Madonna adopted them.

Understandably, Kerry says its time to move on. The joke is in the past and its time the American public focused on the really important issues, he said. Like whether Daniel Craig is any good as the new James Bond or not.

The answer to which is Yes. Daniel Craig convincingly portrays the role of a government agent with a penchant for violence and a license to kill. Or, as the Americans fondly call him, Dick Cheney.

Jokes apart, Daniel Craig is quite impressive in the action scenes and like his predecessors, has a pretty good time with ladies. A pity that the only Englishman who is scoring and in good form, is not playing in the Ashes series.

In what is expected to be an extremely one-sided series, no one is giving the English team a chance against Australia. Forget an actual match, England can’t win even if the game was only played on a PlayStation 3.

No kidding!.....The Sony PlayStation 3 is finally out in the market. That's just more bad news for Microsoft. They now are struggling to keep track of which is doing worse - the Xbox or the Zune mp3 player.

And the new PS 3 is a big hit already. There are long queues outside Circuit City and Best Buy stretching for several blocks!! To everyone's amusement, Kevin Federline was spotted among those waiting in the line. When reporters asked him what the hell was he doing there, he explained - 'Am just standin in the bread line ma man, like all these other homeless people......'

(The final part will be posted tommorrow....)

The Month that was...... : Part 1

2006-11-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

Hi people. Back after a long time. A month in fact. Am hoping to regular as usual from now on. And thanks to everyone who visited the blog even during the idle period. Lets start with a quick summary the key events that took place in the course of the last month.The important stuff first....

Its official. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married last week. At the altar, Tom promised Katie that he would always always love her and take care of her till the end of time. So I guess he has begun working on Mission Impossible 4 already......

More importantly, Britney and K-Fed are over. After 2 years, Kevin Federline has been unceremoniously chucked out of the house, leaving his very future in doubt. Much like the Republicans.......

Its a bitter divorce, as expected. K-Fed is now threatening to release tapes of their honeymoon to the public if she doesn't pay up. Wow.....I cant believe I am saying this, but maybe there WAS something we could all have learnt from Paris Hilton's life afterall.......

Branjelina update. The shooting of her movie has been constantly hampered by one incident after another. In fact, three of her bodyguards even got arrested for shoving and pushing some children at a shooting spot. Apparently, they lost their cool after they were taunted repeatedly by the kids who kept insisting that they were too big and fat to have been adopted by Jolie.....

Given all the stoppages and delays, Jolie is actually considering dropping the current film and shooting a sequel for 'Girl, Interrupted' instead.

And after seeing Madonna's fate, Jolie is reconsidering her decision to adopt someone from India. She was earlier looking at kids who had been abandoned and ignored by the society and in dire need of help. Oh man !!!......there goes Ganguly's last hope......

The Champions Trophy. As expected, Australia brushed aside the Windies on the pitch and Sharad Powar off the dias to get their hands on the elusive trophy for the first time.

This became a big controversy. Damien Martyn and Ricky Ponting literally pushed Sharad Pawar off the stage and snatched the trophy from him due to their impatience. They later argued that Pawar was spending too much time on stage and delaying their celebrations. Really? A petty politician trying desperately to grab the spotlight through whichever lousy means available? I dont think I have heard of that happening before....... : - )

As far as I know, he was the last politician to leave the centre-stage in such disgrace since..... Donald Rumsfeld after the mid-term elections.

The Chinese premier Hu Jintao is on his maiden visit to India. Today, he visited the Taj Mahal and to nobody's surprise, went on to claim that it rightfully belonged to China!!

Did you hear about that? A week before the trip, the Chinese made a few statements claiming that the whole of Arunachal Pradesh belonged to them !!!! And you thought the Pakistani's were being unreasonable about Kashmir.........

Meanwhile, President Bush completed a 8-day tour of Asia including China, Vietnam, Indonesia, Singapore and Russia. At the end of the trip, he said the tour was fine but he would also like to visit the Orient one day.

22nd October, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 7

2006-10-22T04:08:00.000-07:00

All of us have heard this being said quite often. You know, about how Geniuses are never recognized in their lifetime...? Am not too sure about that. It places all the blame on us mortals for not "recognizing" them, doesn’t it? What I say is that if you are a real genius, then you must take the responsibility of creating something that makes sense to the common man. My view is that an actual genius would never go about working on the Theory of Relativity or Impressionism......who cares for stuff like that? I say - Give me an electric toothbrush that also doubles up as a fire extinguisher and THEN, I know you are a genius, in this very lifetime........anything else and you are just kidding yourself.

Take for instance, the case of Vincent van Gogh. The Dutch painter guy. He worked so hard to create hundreds of paintings, thousands of sketches, murals, went on to inspire the school of painting named Expressionism and what happened - dude died at the age of 37 due to starvation. And all that people remembered of him is that he cut his left ear off !!!

And he only has himself to blame. I mean, what’s with the obsession with nature and landscapes? The Cavemen drew pictures of animals. Medieval art - again lots of animals and green fields. The Renaissance. And still with the landscapes and lakes and the Sun. Then the impressionists, the surrealists, the whole lot of them - the obsession with painting cows with a meadow in the background remains. And THEN, they blame us for not appreciating art. Yeah, right!!! That’s why we never see any shepherds or farmers or fishermen at any of these art galleries. if they want to see an amazing likeness of the Sun peeping out of the clouds early in the morning - they just need to get out of their tents.

Can someone please explain to me why art aficionados can afford to spend astronomical sums to buy a painting by Da Vinci and yet bitch about the price of gasoline creeping up to $3? What’s up with that? What is the big deal about paying over 100 million for a Picasso and hanging it on your wall to impress people? Here’s a better idea. How about getting that cheque for 100 million dollars framed and puttin' it up on the wall instead? I bet most people have never seen a cheque for 100 million in their lives. Would be equally impressive, I tell you. 'Oooooooooo....look at that....it’s a cheque for 100 million dollars.......wow.....Mom!!!.....come over here......you HAVE to see this...'

Speaking of which, this week's 'Clown of the Week' is......................Steve Wynn.

Let me explain. He is a Las Vegas gaming tycoon. But that’s not the good part. He had managed to convince one of those art connoisseurs, (Steve Cohen in this case) to buy a Picasso painting that he owned, for no less than $139 million !!!!!!!

No kidding. He bought it in 1998 for 48 million and had agreed to sell it off for 139 million. That sounds like an awesome deal, you say. Hardly makes him the COTW, you argue. But hear me out first. The night before that deal was going to go through, Wynn had been talking about the painting and proudly showing it to friends when he accidentally poked his elbow through the canvas, according to witnesses. That’s right. The dude put a hole in the canvas.

"There was a terrible noise," writes Nora Ephron, who saw the accident at Wynn's office in his hotel-casino Wynn in Las Vegas. "Oh shit," she quoted him as saying. "Look what I've done ... thank God it was me."

The worst part - This was the most money ever paid for a painting and it topped by four million dollars the record price paid for a Klimt by cosmetics magnate Ronald Lauder earlier this year. Now, the deal is off, obviously. Afterward, Wynn said to his friends: "This has nothing to do with money. The money means nothing to me. It's that I had this painting in my care and I've damaged it."

Yes, you have. But on the plus side, you won the award this week. Hope it cheers you up somewhat :-))

Headlines : 16th October, Monday

2006-10-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just feel like leaving everything and going off on a vacation to Hawaii. You know, it’s a dream getaway………the beaches, the warm sun, the wine, the earthquakes……….

Wait a minute, you say. The earthquakes? Indeed. Today, there was a strong earthquake in Hawaii that shook up most of the state. The Governor of Hawaii solemnly announced that it was no big deal – they were just testing a few nuclear weapons on the sidelines.

The earthquake caused a major power outage in the state. People were clueless, scared and running like mad in the dark…..and not just on the sets of LOST, mind you !!

Shoib Akhtar said before coming to India for the Champions Trophy that he wanted to be aggressive and very positive. Well, I don’t know about the aggression but he has been tested positive for sure.

That’s right. In a sensational development, Pakistan pacemen Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have tested positive for banned drugs. What is this? Pakistanis caught cheating? Somewhere, Darrel Hair is reading about this in his morning paper and mumbling ‘I told you so’

As expected, Shoib Akhtar claims that he never knowingly took any performance enhancing drugs. He is blaming it all on a tuna sandwich Shane Warne’s mom sent him a couple of days ago.

The Sensex has crossed the 12,950 mark people!! But before you go out on to the streets and start dancing – the dengue death toll has crossed 100 as of now…..

The Barak deal scandal. George Fernandes has now accused the PM of mis-using natoinal resources like the CBI for personal motives. Sure. When it comes to mis-using the country’s resources for personal benefits, Fernandes knows what he is talking about!!

Lalu Prasad Yadav today revealed that he did not want to be the Railway Minister when he was given the job in 2004. I think I speak for all of us when I say – ‘None of us wanted you to be a minister either, man….’

The Saddam Hussein trial verdict is expected by November 5th. No idea about the Mohammad Afzal thing but at least Saddam will know for sure by Nov. 5th.

Onto Afghanistan. The troops fighting the local insurgents are facing an unexpected challenge – the Taliban are hiding inside 10-feet high marijuana plants and using them as cover. Well, well, well…..this explains why the war’s been taking forever to end……the troops just don’t want to come back home.

A milestone for the US. The population of the country touched 300 million today morning. In a speech, President Bush said that 300 million was fine and all that but argued that they could have reached the mark a lot earlier had it not been for deaths caused by 9/11.

Branjelina update. The couple is now in Goa apparently. It seems they wanted a low-key location where they could spend some quiet time together as a family. Goa in October. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Totally secluded and away from all human contact.

15th October, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 6

2006-10-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

It was only a question of time. It HAD to happen. You re-elect George Bush into power for a second term and people get ideas in their heads. And it has a lot to do with this week’s ‘Clown of the Week’ award.

So people…you can start cheering ….this week’s COTW award goes to……Kenneth Kahn.

What is so special about this guy is that he is an actual clown by profession!!!! (If you don’t count Bush, that is). Kenneth Kahn, 41, a professional joker known as "Kenny the Clown," admits he's running a campaign to become the next Mayor of Alameda, California.

Kahn has not previously run for an elected position and has never sat on a public board. He has no idea how to run a public office and people have never taken him seriously when he speaks. Is it just me or does he seem well-qualified to you too?

Jokes apart, even Kahn's mother, Barbara, says her son doesn't have a chance, and Sylvia Kahn, a teacher, said her brother's candidacy is a "mockery of our system. I don't think it makes any sense…..”
And what does Kenny himself have to say about it? "People ask me, 'Do we really want to elect a clown for mayor of the city?...........and I say, 'That's an excellent question.’”

One thing he has in his favour is that he would be making the competing candidates extremely nervous and worried. You ask why? Think about it…….in case you compete against a Clown and somehow LOSE, I don’t see how you can face your family ever again. (Although John Kerry managed to deal with the situation well enough).

All in all, it’s a crazy thing to do and Kenny wins the "Clown" of the Week award this time around. But I have a feeling he might receive the piece of news with a plaintive groan rather than a ‘Woo-hoo’ and a fist clench.

14th October, Saturday : Odd news stories

2006-10-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday and time for some odd news. And none odder than the first story that we will be dealing with……..

#1 A man is fighting to stop alimony payments to his ex-wife because the woman is now a man. Lawrence Roach says his ex-wife has had a sex change and is now living as a man with a new identity. Roach says he should be allowed discontinue $1,200 in monthly alimony payments. "This isn't right. It's humiliating to me and degrading," Roach said. "You know, I'm a man and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man. If you can't be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

#2 A German lawyer hopes to drum up more business by pursuing state compensation claims for people who believe they were abducted by aliens. "There's quite obviously demand for legal advice here," Jens Lorek told Reuters by telephone. "The trouble is, people are afraid of making fools of themselves in court." Asked if he was worried he might look ridiculous by seeking justice for clients haunted by aliens, Lorek was unfazed. "Nobody has laughed about it up until now."

#3 No more 7:05 p.m. or 7:35 p.m. games for the Chicago White Sox. They will all begin, for the next three seasons, at 7:11 p.m., courtesy of 7-Eleven, the convenience store giant, which will pay the team an average of a half-million dollars a year to be the name behind the time. “It’s a fun way to insert our name into fans’ hearts and minds,” said Margaret Chabris, a 7-Eleven spokeswoman. “We think it’s worth way more than $500,000.”

#4 If you thought your job was boring, then wait till you hear about the guy whose day is spent in watching paint dry. For Jackson, whose official title is technical manager at industrial paint manufacturers AquaTec Coatings, his whole day revolves watching how fast pain dries once applied, with the highlight being touching the paint to check its tackiness. And though he admits that that his job can be extremely tedious, and many people would probably think that it's the most boring job in the whole world, he still enjoys it.

13th October, Friday : Quote of the Week

2006-10-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

Came across this quote which was just too good to pass up. I HAD to share it with you guys.

"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."

By Congressman Mark Foley about Bill Clinton.
Circa 1998.

No Kidding. Check out this link.

Headlines : 11th October, Wednesday

2006-10-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Let’s see what’s happening…….there’s a corruption scandal in the air, explosives have been recovered from a Kashmiri temple, the Sensex is going nowhere, and Sania has lost in the first round of a tournament again. Or, in other words, just another normal day in India.

The corruption thing first. The CBI has filed a corruption case against George Fernandes in the purchase of Barak missile system from Israel in 2000. From Israel? Why Israel when North Korea is so much closer and reliable….

But Fernandes argues that he only did it after getting the approval of Abdul Kalam. Really? Kalam actually made a decision? Am not convinced…..look at how he is still dilly-dallying with the Afzal hanging thingy…

To top it, a letter traced back to 1999 confirms that President Abdul Kalam did NOT make the mistake of approving the missile deal. So, the only mistake Kalam has made so far is with his hairstyle……

Kiran Desai has won the UK's leading literary award, the Man Booker Prize. That’s right. She’s won the MAN Booker prize……I don’t understand that one….just like I don’t get how people celebrate Oktoberfest in September…..

Semantics apart, she won the award for her novel – ‘The Inheritance of Loss’. Did you know that her mother, Anita Desai was herself nominated three times for the prize but never won? That kinda explains the title of her book, doesn’t it? :- ))

This is unbelievable. Did you know that Moh’d Azharuddin is among the Indian captains invited for the BCCI's felicitation function next month? What next? Nominating Manoj Prabhakar and Ajay Jadeja for a Khel Ratna??

Let’s see what else is on. The Hamas still hates the Israelis; the Pakistanis are still bombing Kashmir, and most countries are against North Korea’s defiant stance. If its any consolation, at least Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have ended their feud and are friends again……

The North Korean crisis. George Bush today made it clear that the US has absolutely no intention of invading N.Korea. You know why? ‘Cause unlike Iraq, he KNOWS that the Koreans actually have some damn WMDs. The US might get its ass kicked if it goes ahead with an invasion.

Apparently, the Chinese are also fast losing patience with North Korea over the nuclear weapon testing issue. Today, the Chinese PM was spotted yelling 'Don’t make come over there' at the Koreans from his side of the Great Wall.

A new study by the American Academy of Pediatrics says that for children to be healthy, they need to spend more time playing outside rather than sit in front of a computer. Well duh!!.........why do you need that study?......Congressman Foley has made sure everyone realizes that by now.

In related news, House Speaker Dennis Hastert is not sure whether he should resign or not following the Mark Foley scandal. But according to a CNN Poll released today, about half the Americans who took part in the poll believe that he should resign his post and half think he shouldn't. Hopefully this kind of a clear signal should help him in making the final decision : - )

A strange story. A woman in the US now wants to 'unadopt' her boy after learning about his troubled past with young girls. But enough about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.........

Headlines : 9th October, Monday

2006-10-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

The big news first. North Korea has successfully conducted an underground nuclear weapons test today morning. And Ahmedinijad was going- ‘Underground. Underground. Stupid me….why didn’t I think of THAT?’

The tests have evoked uniform international criticism. To give you an idea to what extent, the Japanese PM said that the tests were provocative and destabilizing the region and the CHINESE PRESIDENT SAID THAT HE AGREED WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, today, the Pope issued an angry statement that North Korea brought the world only evil things and Mel Gibson dismissed the Koreans of being worse than the Jews.

The question whether Mohammad Afzal should hanged or not has divided the entire nation. To be honest, we keep delaying the hanging and he is going to get the dengue sooner or later. What a waste……….what a waste.

That’s right. Dengue’s apparently killing everyone in North India and those who scramble down south are accounted for by Chickungunya. Am sure the visiting teams in town for the Champions Trophy are thrilled about this ;-)

Did you hear about this? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got mobbed when they went on an auto rickshaw ride in Pune!!! This is soooooooo out of the blue. Since when did we become a country crazily obsessed with celebrities? I dint see that one coming…….

The latest buzz from Bihar is about Lalu unveiling a statue of Gandhi on a railway platform. But the Nitish Kumar government alleges that by unveiling a statue, Lalu has flouted an old directive from Nehru himself. If Nitish Kumar has his way, this could be the second time Gandhi finds himself chucked out of a railway station.

The commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan warned that the Afghans may switch their allegiance back to the Taliban due to the failure of the US to deliver on its promises. Forget the Afghans, looking at the job Bush is doing, it wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of Americans start siding with the Taliban soon.

In a move that could have a major impact on internet users, Google Inc. is looking at acquiring YouTube. Unless, of course, you are Chinese. In which case, you can carry on fiddling around with your noodles and chopsticks………this doesn’t concern you.

Contradicting reports in the media, Raul Castro claims his brother Fidel is doing pretty good. To clarify, he meant ‘doing pretty good’ compared to Ariel Sharon. Otherwise, not so much.

Today, Bill Gates has pledged to give the Nigerian President millions of dollars in aid. That’s nice. But can someone please tell Mr. Gates about how to deal with mails you receive from unknown Nigerians?

Hear this. A bunch of Mexican fishermen managed to capture a 7.5-foot crocodile in a local river!! You know what, I think we might have been over-hyping Steve Irwin a bit. Snaring a huge croc…..not so tough afterall!!

8th October, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 5

2006-10-08T02:46:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven’t been regular of late……but hopefully things will be different from now onwards.
So it’s Sunday and time for the coveted ‘Clown of the Week’ award again.

Without much ado, let me announce that the COTW award goes to…………..Harbhajan Singh.

The off spinner is one of the funniest characters on the cricket field and manages to keep you amused with his antics. The way he bats gives you the impression that he uses his brain as sparingly as possible. And he seems to carry a similar attitude towards his activities off the cricket field.

Consider this. Bhajji claims to be a devout Sikh. And then he goes and acts in an advertisement with his hair open, which is apparently a big deal for the Sikh community. They even have an organization that keeps track of these atrocities – the Shiromani Gurudwara Prabandhak Committee (SCGP). These guys are up in arms and Bhajji has been apologizing to all and sundry in a manner that would put the Pope to shame.

"If my action has hurt the Sikh community, then I feel sorry for it.I respect the emotions of Sikhs and I never knew it will snowball into such a big issue." – says Bhajji.

Really? Then why did he act with his hair loose in a liquor advertisement, of all things? Did he really think that the dudes at the SCGP would be thrilled about it and send him a congratulatory note? Even by Bhajji’s lofty standards, this seems a considerable achievement.

And he manages to beat, Younis Khan, the other contender for this week’s award, hair down…..sorry hands down.

Way to go Bhajji bhai.

Headlines : 5th October, Thursday

2006-10-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hi people. I know I haven't blogged for a while now. But my excuse is that I didn't recall having a blog till a few hours back. Honestly. Its now officially called 'Condi-Rice dodge' in political circles.

That's right. Contrary to the claims of then-CIA chief George Tenet,warning her in 2001 of an impending al-Qaida attack in the United States, Rice says that she has no recollection of being briefed by him about this. Sure. Today Bush joined in and contended that he did not recall anyone telling him about New Orleans last year.

The White House has been rocked by the Mark Foley scandal. Foley apparently sent sexually explicit Instant Messages to former House pages who were teenagers. But he denied having any sexual contact with minors. Which is a lot more than most high school teachers in the US can claim……..

When reached for a comment, Michael Jackson said – “So Foley likes 16-year old boys is it? 16? So he likes them old and matured…………not my type at all….”

Manmohan meanwhile has sternly warned Pakistan that it had better 'walk the talk' with the terrorism issue. He also went on to ask them to 'pull up their socks' and 'clean up their act' or 'face the music' besides other clichés. I hope the Pakis are scared. Cause I am not.

India has given Pakistan a list of suspects involved in the 7-11 blasts. In return, Musharaff gave the Mumbai police a copy of his book – ‘In the line of fire’.

The Mumbai police claim to have solved the 7-11 blasts and identified all the people involved. Wow…….that’s impressive……..given that they are still arresting people for the ’93 blasts………..can we move on with that already??!!!

It’s the time for pull-outs apparently. Mahesh Bhupati has pulled out of next year’s Davis Cup. Younis Khan has pulled out of the Pakistan captaincy job. Saurav Ganguly has pulled out of this month’s Champions Trophy………….wait a minute……Saurav dada was dropped from the team, rather J

And Mahesh Bhupati just refuses to partner with Leander anymore. He is avoiding Paes as if he had the dengue or something…….

That’s right. Delhi is facing a spate of dengue cases all of a sudden. The Govt. has asked citizens not to panic over the dengue situation. But they can still panic over the economy, prices of petrol and the rampant terrorist activity.

Model-actress Katrina Kaif says she is surprised by the row, her knee length skirt she wore to the Moinuddin Chishti shrine, has created. What surprises her most is that the people at the temple actually want her skirt to be longer!!!. She’s never heard that before…….

Something to be proud about. India has been ranked No.1 in a survey conducted by Transparency International on its Global Bribe-Payers Index. Not to worry. We have discreetly sent a certain "amount" to Transparency International to get them to move our rank down a few notches.

30th September, Saturday : Quotable Quotes ?

2006-09-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

It's saturday and time for something a bit different.

You all know how people often say things that surprise us. Sometimes confuse us. Often amuse us. Here are some of the memorable lines I have come across in recent times when I was browsing the internet. I have provided the context as well the actual statement by the party involved. Hope you guys like it.

Situation # 1:

A haven for hookers and dopers on Orange County, California has been shut down by court order until Christmas weekend.
Quote by Detective Don Woods, who works for the Sheriff's office - " People went there for one purpose: to sell drugs and to prostitute."

Situation # 2:

Old Cowtown Museum's rooster 'Cogburn' had apparently flown the coop. The Dominican rooster --named after a 1975 Western movie -- was missing Wednesday, shortly after his high noon crowing.
Quote by Ed LeRoy, manager of special events for the museum - " "We are in shock............. He may have been feeling under threat."

Situation # 3:

When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.
Actual quote by Robert - " I have monkeys in my pants."

Situation # 4:

The number of scooter and moped thefts in Gainsville, Florida is on the rise. The police are reasonably sure who the culprits are.
Quote by Sergent Ray Barber - " In many instances, groups of children - some as young as 12 - will get together to organise scooter-stealing sprees in the neighbourhood."

Situation # 5:

Emergency personnel were called to the Albertsons at Eubank, Nevada just before 8 p.m. after a man staggered in with a gunshot wound to his chest.
Key quote by a witness at the scene - “The victim pulled out that sword, and then the guy in the white shirt whipped out the revolver and shot him.”

Situation # 6:

Boston University officials said that they have a new policy forbidding the use of swear words, racist and sexist comments at sports events.
Quote by Kendall Lyons, an 18-year-old sophomore who often takes part in the chants - ``That's terrible and an infringement on our freedom of speech. Sports won't be fun anymore."

Situation # 7:

The World Toilet Organization opened its annual summit on Wednesday, Sep. 6th, in Moscow.
Quote by Sir William Lawrence, the organizations founder - "People seem to laugh a bit when I tell them I'm chairman of the (British) Toilet Association, but then ... they say 'wait a minute, there's a reason we need a toilet organization'."

Situation # 8:

Taxi robbing teenager gets into shoot-out with police. He fired one shot and ran behind a building, only to be arrested by officers waiting for any escape attempt.
Quote by his sister to the police - "He's a good kid.......He just has a problem with stealing cars."

Headlines : 29th September, Friday

2006-09-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

Twas a hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like George Bush trying to save the fancy china at his dinner party.

Thats right. Things got quite ugly between Musharraf and Karzai, the Afghan president at the dinner hosted by George Bush yesterday. They almost came to fistfights and Bush had to intervene and stop them from getting out of control. Can you imagine how bad it must have been if George Bush was the voice of reason at the table......?

At the dinner, Karzai blamed Pakistan of supporting the Taliban and Musharraf alleged that Karzai's government has failed completely and he (Karzai) was unaware of the facts. The sad part - they are both spot on with their insights.

This is the big story in the US over the past two days. A gunman sensationally broke into a girls high school in Colorado and locked himself into a room with six teenage girls for over four hours!!!!!!. I know what you are thinking..........Bill Clinton hasn't changed much since his days in the White House.

I can't believe this. The people of Jammu and Kashmir are actually holding massive protests against the Court's verdict to hang Mohammad Afzal in 2 weeks time. Afzal tried to bomb our Parliament, killed 9 security personnel and injured many others. I would like to insert a joke here but I think the fact that this guy has so much support is pretty funny in itself.

Meanwhile, the ICC has ruled in favour Pakistan captain Inzamam-ul-Haq in the ball tampering row and cleared him of all charges levelled against him. No such luck for Monica Bedi, though. She gets copped in the cooler for the next 5 years.

Shashi Tharoor's chances are dwindling with the US pushing for a quick decision on the appointment of the next UN Sec-General. For once, the US is costing an Indian his job. Ironic, isn't it?

Further, South Korea is reportedly offering millions of dollars to African countries and 'incentives' to UNSC members, in a bid to secure its candidate Ban Ki Moon's victory in the next UN Secretary General poll. Tharoor can't believe this. Bribing people to get things done? - thats OUR forte. The Koreans are beating us in our own game. What a shame!!!!!

Rang De Basanti is India's official entry for this year's Oscars. That's great. Ironically, yet another MIG-29 crashed in Ambala two days after the nomination. Really.

Sania Mirza has pulled off a sensational upset by beating top seed Martina Hingis at the Korean Open. As they say, every (under)dog has its day.

The media is touting this as a revenge victory for Sania who had previously lost to Hingis in the Sunfeast Open. Going by that logic, Sania has around 73 revenge matches left to win this year.

Mirza says she is very happy and pleased with the win. In fact, she is so excited that she can't wait to lose 6-0 6-1 to the unseeded player she is slated to meet in the next round.

Headlines : 27th September, Wednesday

2006-09-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

The Central Government has ruled out any cut in the prices of petrol and diesel despite the decline in international crude oil prices. So the only thing for citizens to cheer about is the death sentence awarded to M’mad Afzal.

The mastermind behind the December 13, 2001 Parliament attack, Mohammed Afzal, will be executed on October 20 as per Supreme Court orders. He is sentenced to death mainly because he failed to kill of any of the MPs who were attending Parliament that day. PLUS, he rudely refused to sing Vande Mataram on Sep 7th. That clinched it for the judge.

On that day, he and his comrades couldn't even get past the security outside and ended up killing 9 security personnel and injuring 16 others. Not much of a mastermind, is he?

A brand new wave of "Gandhigiri" has been unleashed by the hit movie "Lage Raho Munna Bhai". Even the lead actor, Sanjay Dutt has been swept in by Gandhiji's life of asceticism. He has vowed that he will not be providing any more beer or spicy non-veg food for the Pakistani terrorists living in his house hereafter.

Some good news for Manmohan at last. Sonia Gandhi has categorically ruled out having a Deputy Prime Minister in a press conference. ‘Why do we need one more?’ she asked. ‘What would Manmohan do then?’

As we all know, Team India returned home after a disappointing series in Malaysia. Today, Rahul Dravid blamed Bill Clinton for the team's poor performance.

That's right. He is everyone's favourite scapegoat right now. Bill Clinton is actually being blamed for not doing enough to prevent the September 11 disaster when he was in power. The Pope has joined in and accused Clinton of not doing enough to prevent him from making that anti-Islam speech last week.

The New York City Department of Health has announced a proposal to ban all trans fats at eateries. Makes sense. You don't want the millions of rats in the city to be facing any heart problems, right?

A bunch of Canadian scientists are now studying the Mona Lisa painting in 3-D to better understand why she is smiling in the picture. Awesome. Millions of passengers worldwide still can't use their cellphones inside an aircraft. But I guess that can wait.

This is a PRICELESS headline. It actually reads - Teddy Bear Kills 2,500 Fish In New Hampshire.
And to think that George Bush is ignoring this and fooling around inIraq........tsk tsk :- ))

And Al Gore, if you reading this, Teddy Bears have now killed more fish than global warming has, in the last 5 years put together. Wake up to the REAL threat dude !!!

Seriously speaking, it seems that the stuffed toy clogged the hatchery drain and hence the fish died. And what was hatchery supervisor Robert Fawcett's statement ? "Release of any teddy bears into fish hatchery water henceforth is NOT permitted." No kidding !!

24th September, Monday : Clown of the Week # 4

2006-09-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in the life of a Pope when he has this irresistible urge to say 'enough is ENOUGH!', pack up his bags, go to Germany and make a long-winding speech - the essence of which can be reduced to two words -Islam sucks. The right thing to do when he gets the urge, of course, would be to ignore it, head into his Papal room, put on that silly Papal hat and think long and hard about whether it would look better in black.

Pope Benedict XVI, unfortunately, chose the former option and now he is taking up valuable newspaper space that could have been better used to further bash Kevin Federline's debut as a 'rapper'. But what’s done is done and all that is left for us to do, to salvage something from the debacle, is this - take bets on the extent to which the Pope might be willing to kiss some serious Muslim ass in the coming weeks.

Even at the best of times, it takes very little to get the Muslim community all riled up. A cartoon.....or being asked to sing Vande Mataram..... or sometimes a power cut even. But on this occasion, they have something solid to work with. I know I have never had to go through the rigors of being a Pope myself. But how difficult is it to talk for an hour about the many merits of Christianity and NOT say the words 'Mohammad only brought the world evil and inhuman things’?

Seriously........because that is precisely what the pontiff did. And he assumed that Muslims worldwide would take it in the right spirit, nod their head in agreement and carry on with their daily lives - which primarily revolves around reading the Koran and thinking up newer ways to tamper a cricket ball using just a paper towel and some bubblegum.

And it gets funnier. The Pope initially contended that his comments were not meant as a harsh criticism of Islam. Apparently, he just wanted to explore the historical and philosophical differences between Islam and Christianity. And it was only too obvious from his research that while Jesus was a beacon of light and hope for humanity, Mohammad was as useful to the world as the Chickungunya virus. Let’s say for a moment that he actually believes this. That’s OK. But does he HAVE to bear his soul to the public like that and give a bunch of bearded bozos a chance to go off like a time-bomb in a Kashmiri school??

That’s right. The Muslims are on the rampage again. Churches have gotten burnt, Christian women have been killed and around a million George Bush posters were defecated upon. (They do this irrespective of the situation anyways). Osama's latest video has him stroking his beard slowly and shaking his head from time to time. Based on what the past has taught us, am thinking - Does the Pope have adequate life insurance or what?

There must have been other people in the Vatican who also thought along the same lines. After they had their heart to heart session with the Pope, the old man has come out with all kinds of apologies aimed at appeasing the Muslims. And he is not someone who apologizes all that easily. It would be decidedly easier to get Donald Trump to apologize to Martha Stewart than to get the Pope to apologize to Martha Stewart........ Or something to that effect....I hope you get what am trying to say here......Basically the pontiff is pretty much aloof and goes about thinking he is infallible and all that. So, one can appreciate his difficulty in this particular situation. In a last ditch effort, he has invited all offended Muslim leaders to attend some sort of tea party at his summer house. Home-made pizza has not been ruled out. A few Muslim clerics have signed up for the bash. Others remain adamant in their stance and demand that Monica Belucci be present as well. The Pope has said he will see what he can do.

And btw, the Clown of the Week award, this time around, goes to.......Pope Benedict XVI.

I know he was an obvious choice and everyone knows he goofed up big time with this fiasco. But I still couldn't pass on a chance to give the Pope the honour of being a part of this distinguished group of gentlemen (who have been recipients of the award). Can you blame me for that? :-))

[P.S:

I know that the award is given out on Sundays but I was away on a road trip over the weekend. That’s right. A ROAD TRIP. Consequently, I had to make an exception this time around and do this on a Monday. I think you guys can understand. If we can’t even make a few adjustments for the Pope............:-))]

23rd September, Saturday : Quirky Headlines.....Actual ones #2

2006-09-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

It’s Saturday and I am back with another set of actual headlines that make you wonder – would an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters left in a room with infinite time have done a better job?

Let’s start of with a real juicy one:

Corrections official sent to prison for sex with inmate
This is just the kind of story that restores your faith in the justice system.

Shooting reported at firing range
………and loud grunting reported at a Sharapova match…..what are they trying to say anyway?

Woman pleads guilty in fake penis case
Lorena Bobbitt apparently is not very impressed…..why play around with fake ones she says.

Found Guilty Evangelical Christian Navy Chaplain Says Hell Appeal
Proofread did someone before print it went to asks me.

Septic woes lick plans for Windermere ice-cream shop
You never ever want to read the words septic and ice cream in the same sentence…..

Police Hoping To Expose Serial Flasher
This has to be one of their easiest cases ever…..;-)

How a biweekly party for undressed gay men saved a children’s puppetry theater.
Sounds like a heartwarming story from a children’s bed time book written by Michael Jackson, doesn’t it?

Boks must kick the monkey
I don’t understand this one….do they have to actually kick the monkey? Can’t they just give it a gentle tap on the back or something?

Man stabbed with fish
OJ Simpson says – ‘It wasn’t me!!......... I use knives, remember??’

Dickies fights posterior exposure
Hehehehehehehehehehe

20th September, Wednesday : Top Ten List # 5

2006-09-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Back with another Top 10 list today.

The topic under consideration is the recent demotion of Pluto from the status of a ‘Planet’ to its current classification as ‘Tennis ball’. The move was approved after a voting session involving over 400 astronomers at the meeting of the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Prague. As per the new definition of a planet, Pluto does not meet the required criteria and has been relegated to being a mere ‘Dwarf planet’. That is the official version. I think the real reasons are quite different.

So here goes.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 reasons why I think Pluto was really demoted from its status of being a Planet-

10. Pluto was too funny a name for a planet.

9. According to Vaasthu Shastra, the Solar System should not have more than 8 planets.

8. It was caught flirting with the Sun from the next galaxy.

7. It was smaller in size than Roger Federer’s girlfriend.

6. As per posthumously revealed papers, it was Carl Sagan’s dying wish.

5. It has been identified as one of the conspirators in the ’93 Mumbai blasts trial.

4. It takes so long to complete a revolution around the Sun that even Stephen Hawking felt it was taking too much time moving around.

3. The new “definition” of a planet was created by the same guys who worked on the Office of Profit bill.

2. It failed a routine doping test after astronomers found extremely high levels of testosterone on its surface.

1. It refused to sing ‘Vande Mataram’ on Sep 7th like everybody else.

Headlines : 19th September, Tuesday

2006-09-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

It was a damp and sultry day in Chennai. People were sweating like Popeye opening a can of spinach.

That’s right. Federal health officials in the US are trying to pinpoint the source of an E. coli outbreak that's sickened spinach eaters across the country. My own feeling is that if you are someone who is NOT in Abu Gharib and still eat spinach, then maybe the E.Coli isn’t your biggest problem here.

Btw, it looks as if the Pope might not be able to patch things up with the Muslims in spite of all his apologies. Hell, we can’t even get Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to kiss and make-up, can we?

Muslim communities everywhere are not happy with the Pope’s pacifying words so far and want him to apologise further. Well…..the Pope asked for it…… I don’t know why he can’t just stop with trashing the Jews like other celebrities…….

The Pope doesn’t know what more he can do here. He indignantly asks –‘Do they actually want to me become a goddamn Muslim or something?!?’

Did you hear this? The Pope will soon be releasing his autobiography. It’s been titled – ‘In the Line of Fire’. Oops…..wait a minute……this is Pervez Musharraff’s book, not the Pope’s……. Hehehehehe

In his address to the global leaders, UN Sec-Gen Kofi Annan spoke about the widespread contempt for human rights and dignity, lack of freedom, conflict and pain – and he was not just talking about the situation faced by the 14,000 prisoners in secret prisons maintained by the US military worldwide.

At the UN General Assembly meeting, the Iranian President has said that he will be looking to steer clear of George Bush and stay as far away from him as possible. When she heard this, Angela Merkel was going –‘Good thinking dude…….’

How about this? While the Thai PM is attending the UN Assembly meeting, the opposition party and the armed forces have staged a coup and attempted to seize power in Bangkok. It’s true what they say…..nothing good ever comes out of getting involved with the UN.

There’s political trouble in Hungary too after the PM was caught on tape admitting to a local news channel that his government "lied morning, evening and night" about the economy. Its just a gut feeling I have………….but I think he will soon claim that those were not his own words and he was quoting someone else.

Manmohan Singh described his meeting with Fidel Castro as ‘most memorable and satisfying’. And why not? He got a brand new box of Cuban cigars as a parting gift from Castro.

This is sick. Anna Nicole Smith has made more than $300,000 by selling the last pictures of her dead son. And today, Steve Irwin’s parents were going – ‘Damn, no one told us we could do that!!!!..........’

Headlines : 18th September, Monday

2006-09-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hi people. Back after another break. Please accept my apology for not posting anything for the last 5 days. Am sorry guys. Really really sorry..............Wait a minute........am starting to sound like the Pope here, aint I? : - )

That’s right. The Pope has sincerely apologised to the Muslim community for making anti-islamic statements in a recent speech. The Pope feels that his words were misunderstood and misinterpreted. Lets see.........his exact quote was- '.....Mohammad brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things...'
Hmmm.....I don’t see how you can misinterpret this. Its pretty well phrased, isn’t it? Leaves no room for any doubt whatsoever. For once, I have a feeling the Muslims have a valid case.

I don’t know if the Pope and the guys at the Vatican should be worried but it seems Osama has already ordered for a couple of brand new Boeing-747s to be delivered ASAP.

The Pope's defense is that they were not his own words. He was only quoting someone else and would not have done it if he knew that it would create all this furore. I am sure that somewhere, Kavya Viswanathan is nodding her head understandingly.

But the Pope's apology has failed to placate Muslim communities and there have been lots of violent protests being carried out worldwide. Today, the Pope was going - ' Sheesh........I just said a few words.......it's not as if I drew a cartoon or something........'

M. Karunanidhi has been distributing free land and TVs and LPG stoves over the last few days dipping into the state’s finances to keep up his election promises. This sooooooo reminds me of the time Kevin Federline bought all his back-up dancer friends free beer using Britney’s credit card……

India's UN candidate for the UN - Shashi Tharoor - has a supporter in Manmohan Singh. The PM said that Tharoor is a strong character who can pull his own weight if he was handed a position of responsibility. Hmmm.......too bad he can’t say the same thing about himself, isn't it?

Popular British author JK Rowling has complained that airport security is too tight these days and its time consuming to get past all the checks. She has warned that if this continues, she might opt to go through terminal 9 3/4 at the Heathrow from now onwards......

An Iranian today became the world's first private woman space tourist as a Russian rocket carrying a US-Russian crew lifted off the Baikonur space centre. Ironically, the rocket the Iranian woman is flying in is powered by nuclear fuel.

Sports. The Sunfeast Open has begun in Mumbai today. Get mentally prepared to hear the clichés ‘Sania Mania’ and the ‘Swiss Miss’ a few million times over the course of the next week.

A controversial new study by a University of Western Ontario psychologist has claimed that men are really more intelligent than women. Well, I dont know how accurate the study is, but I can say this much - At least Adam did NOT go and let a stupid snake talk him to eating an apple........cant say the same thing about Eve, I am afraid.

Headlines : 12th September, Tuesday

2006-09-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

As usual, another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like Leander Paes before a singles match.

The Malegoan blasts. The Rapid Action Force personnel conducted a flag march in Malegaon, which was hit by four bomb blasts on Friday. Ok……here’s a radical idea…….how about you idiots stop marching around town and go after the criminals instead? That might actually work……..

And I am not even going to point out the irony here – Rapid Action Forces. Rapid Action????? Oh, just forget it……..

The American embassy in Syria has been attacked by 4 unidentified gunmen. And today, President Bush was reportedly seen flipping a coin at his White House desk to decide if the US should invade Syria or not.

The ’93 Mumbai Blasts Case Trial

After 13 long years, the court has finally made its decision in the ’93 Mumbai blasts case. It’s taken the court 13 years!!! Saddam Hussein has now asked for his trial to be officially shifted to a Mumbai court……

4 members of the influential Memon family have been found guilty by Judge PD Kode. On the other hand, 3 others of the family have also been acquitted. Apparently, the judge felt that those 4 were actually involved in the blasts while these 3 just booked their train tickets or something……

And what kind of a name is Memon, really? It’s not Menon, which is well known. And it is likely to be mis-spelled as Lemon, which could be embarrassing………

Sanjay Dutt’s latest film ‘Lagey Rago Munnabhai’ is about non-violence and following Gandhiji’s footsteps. It’s too late for all that, Sanju dada…….you should have thought about it before actively taking part in the ’93 Bombay blasts.

But ‘Lagey Raho Munnabhai’is doing quite well……at least no one can accuse his movie of ‘bombing’ at the box office.

Entertainment News

A fictional documentary film about the assassination of George Bush is all set for release in the US. It’s one thing that your approval rating is below 40. But its totally different when people start fantasizing how nice it would be if you were killed……

A day after her marriage, actress Jyotika has announced she will stop acting in films henceforth. That’s odd…….I thought she had stopped acting in films for a long time now….. :-)

Paris Hilton was arrested a couple of days ago on charges of drunken driving. Call me a cynic but when she says that she was just really upset about Steve Irwin, I am thinking –‘Yeah, right……’

Science and Technology

A new study reveals that human activities that result in global warming may be responsible for causing intense hurricanes. If it’s any consolation for the victims of Katrina, it may have been their own fault the whole thing happened in the first place…

Apple is expected to announce the debut of its iPhone in a few months. So now you can listen to songs while talking on your cell phone. If that doesn’t make your callers feel important, then nothing will……

The Kenyan government is seeking funding to finance its own undersea internet cable system. Wow. And once this vital project is over, Kenya is going to shift its focus on getting some food and water for its people.

Headlines : 11th September, Monday

2006-09-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like celebrities, attending the Surya-Jyotika wedding, trying to find parking space at the Park Sheraton.

Malegaon update. The police have released rough sketches of the key suspect in the Malegaon bombing case. The strange part. The suspect looks a lot like R.K.Laxman’s ‘Common man’.

Here’s something amazing. Today is supposed to be the judgement day in the 1993 Mumbai blasts case. But the good part….once they are done dealing with this, the police might actually begin working on the 7-11 blasts. Finally!!!

9-11 Anniversary

It’s that time of the year again. Time to remember the disaster that took place this very day, 5 years ago. It’s the day when CNN and BBC got hold of that footage of the couple of planes crashing into the WTC. That’s right……..Gosh…..how many times they kept playing it……..the sickos!!!!!!!!

In a solemn ceremony, George Bush laid flower wreaths on his visit to Ground Zero. An embarrassing moment followed when he insisted on also being taken to Ground One and Ground Two.......

While speaking about 9-11, Bush has claimed that America is a lot safer under the present administration compared to 5 years ago. Yeah, so what’s the big deal? All you need to do is to take away Dick Cheney’s guns and the country is a lot safer immediately.

A CNN poll reveals that almost half of America believes that the Bush administration is responsible to a large extent for the 9-11 disaster. Well sure, it IS the goverment's fault that the Twin Towers were built so tall and that planes run on petrol.

Middle East watch

Iran has agreed to suspend its uranium enrichment program during the talks with the EU. Given the rate at which these talks usually proceed, Iran may have pretty much agreed to stop the program altogether…….

President Bush now has a new plan to tackle the terrorists in Iraq - Sting rays.

Dick Cheney has come out and boldly asserted that the US has done a ‘helluva job’ in Iraq and with the terrorism situation overall. Good to see that Bush’s approval rating is doing pretty ok inside the White House at least.

There have been a lot of angry protests over Tony Blair’s visit to Lebanon. Now what I don’t understand is why he would want to visit Beirut at this juncture? What good can come of it? What next? The Sri Lankan PM planning a weekend getaway at Jaffna?

Sports

Roger Federer beat Andy Roddick to win the 2006 US Open yesterday. Federer now has an amazing 11-1 record against Roddick. But wait…….the amazing part here is that Roddick actually managed to win a match against Roger.

Andrew Flintoff has said that he doesn’t care who the Captain is as long as England retain the Ashes in Australia later this year. So who says that British humour is dying a slow death? Retain the Ashes……..hahahahahahaha

Retirement season is in the air. First it was Andre. Then Navratilova. Now Schumacher has followed. But worryingly, the one person who must have led this procession is yet to throw his name into the hat – Saurav dada.

10th September, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 3

2006-09-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

Back after a while. So no dilly dallying or beating about the bush. Let’s cut right to the chase. Head straight to the point.

This week’s clown is from the field of sports and the winner is…………Jose Mourinho.

For those of you who don’t know him – he is the manager of EPL football club, Chelsea.

He is famous for making controversial remarks and has been the media’s delight ever since he landed in England two years back. His latest effort is an absolute gem.

The setting: International matches for France this week. Claude Makelele, who plays for Chelsea, had been chosen by the French coach to play in these two matches. But Makalele had tentatively announced his retirement after the World Cup in Germany. So, to protest against this, Mourinho does the right thing – takes up the issue with FIFA through the proper channels and procedure. Naaah…..just kidding. When has he ever taken the traditional route??

He instead chose to shoot his mouth in the media and shoot he did. His actual statement was – ‘Makelele is not a football player. He is a slave. He has no rights. It is unbelievable’.

First of all, I don’t think Mourinho understands what it means to be a slave or the real meaning of the word and all that it implies. Secondly, Makelele himself told the media that he had no problems playing for his country and his retirement was nothing final but was something he was considering.

So, Jose has as usual made a fool of himself by making outrageous remarks to the media without even talking to his players first and having a clear idea as to what the situation is. Now, he has to eat his own words and also pay a huge fine to FIFA for speaking his ‘mind’ on a very sensitive subject through improper channels and using inappropriate language. Another typical day in the office for Jose.

Say what you will, but there is never a dull moment when this guy is around. And I love him for that. I am sure he will be back soon and win the award in the near future. :-)

9th September, Saturday : Blog Update :-)

2006-09-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hi people. Been a while since I last blogged. Had not been doing well healthwise last week……but am ok now. Will be back to writing again from tomorrow. With the ‘Clown of the Week’ award (given out on Sundays).

Till then….adieu!!!

Headlines : 1st September, Friday

2006-09-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

Twas another hot hot day in Chennai. It was so hot that people were sweating like Intel employees checking their inbox for new mails.

In spite of the protests by the Muslims in Jharkhand, L.K.Advani is firm on the view that everyone has to sing ‘Vande Mataram’ on Sep 7th. You know what this means….the BJP feels that it has no chance of winning the elections in Jharkhand next year.

After all the brouhaha over the pesticide issue, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi has beaten Congress President Sonia Gandhi in the Forbes’ 100 most powerful women’s list. Well, I guess the score now reads: Colas 1, India 0.

Meanwhile, Saurav Ganguly said in a CNN- IBN interview that it hurts him to be out of the team. Surprising to learn that it is hurting someone……….cause the team seems to be doing just fine in his absence….

That’s right. India coach Greg Chappell has ruled out Saurav making a return to the team. I don’t know if people are happy with the decision but the Sensex closed 75 points higher at 11,700 at close of business.

Sanjay Manjrekar, the former Indian batsman, has said that ball-tampering can be done without being caught on any of the numerous television cameras. (There are more than 50 cameras on the grounds these days, btw). It’s a stupid thing to say but the bright side is that no one really cares for his opinion…….

The body of Baloch leader Nawab Akbar Khan Bugti was buried on Friday by the Pakistani authorities in the absence of his relatives and fellow tribesmen. Seems they were all off to the theatres to watch ‘Lage Raho Munnabhai’ which released today.

The EU is soon going to begin a series of talks on a renewed plan for peace in the Middle East. Interestingly, the talks have been titled – ‘Let’s all get our asses outta there’

Hurricane ‘Ernesto’ has weakened to a tropical depression and will not cause as much damage as expected. I don’t think President Bush understands the concept here as his reaction to this was ‘Vamoos Ernesto!!!’

Meanwhile, citizens of Mexico’s Baja peninsula have been asked to evacuate the place immediately with Hurricane John heading that way. By citizens, one is of course referring to those ‘Californians’ on vacation in Mexico……:-)

In his speech today, George Bush has reaffirmed that the US must win the war in Iraq at any cost. I don’t know about the winning……. but he has already taken care of the ‘at any cost’ part’.

Andre Agassi has moved into the third round of the US Open with a 5 set win over Marcos Baghdatis. I don’t know if he got really tired after the match, but Agassi has asked for his next match to be held sometime in December.

Headlines : 31st August, Thursday

2006-08-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

It was hot today in Chennai. People were sweating like Sharapova answering questions about her relationship with Andy Roddick.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh while speaking at Delhi College said that he had strayed into politics by sheer accident. It’s quite clear it was an accident. For one, here he is, admitting the truth, when he is not even under any kind of interrogation.

The PM has also assured agitating MDMK leader Vaiko that India will not be sending any troops to Sri Lanka. I am not really surprised at this. Remember how the last PM’s plan to send military aid to Lanka ‘bombed’?

By the way, Herschelle Gibbs has confirmed that he will be coming on the tour of India next month. He says he has no problems with being interrogated by the Mumbai police. But he has definitely ruled out being interviewed by Karan Thapar.

India’s Shashi Tharoor, who is running for the post of UN Secretary General, argues that his lack of experience will not hamper his chances of getting elected. He says he can always learn getting ignored and rejected by every leader of every country while he is at the job. Like all his predecessors.

The Jharkand government has made it mandatory for all educational institutions to sing Vande Mataram on Sep 7. Those who don’t stick to the plan will be penalized. Bankim Chandra must be feeling so proud if he is watching this farce from up there in his heavenly abode…..

Israel is slowly handing over the border zone to the UN. The UN faces a tough task with most people in the country in a desperate situation. Ironically, I had Lebanese food yesterday at The Residency. Something the Lebanese themselves are struggling to do nowadays……

The President of Lebanon now faces the impossible task of rebuilding the country all over again. And speaking of impossible tasks……..President Bush is soon going to be starting a series of speeches where he will defend his strategy on the Iraq war.

Defending the Iraq war? Is that even possible? Only a complete nitwit with no understanding of the magnitude of the destruction and damage the war has done to both the US and Iraq can try defending it.........
I am sorry. I myself am not sure what’s my point here……J

The Pakistan army has found Baloch leader Nawab Akbar Bugti's body in a cave in southwest Balochistan. Sounds good. Now, they just have to find a way to get him to start moving again and all will be fine.

The One Day International series between England and Pakistan is underway.And again the Pakistan team failed to show up on the ground after the lunchbreak. But this time, it was because of the heavy rains............so its ok, I guess.

The following articles by Vishwa

It seems like "finger on your lips" is something that Arjun Singh never heard in his primary school. He thinks being in politics is about creating controversies. This time it is. Going forward, the children of the future will spend all their time at school singing some songs and those with reservation get to do higher studies and there again do the singing. India shinning! But this dude has to shut up some time.

Amarnath lingam has been tampered . How dare to do such a sacrilegious thing? Am I hearing Jayamala say a 'Yeti' pushed her onto the lingam?

Chennai turned 368 yesterday. I must say, it still looks to be in its sweet 16

Sachin earns 2000 times of what our PM earns. But it is a crappy comparison. We can't compare one who trashes the balls out of the ground with the other who has none.

30th August, Wednesday : Top Ten List # 4

2006-08-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Its US Open time people. So today’s post is all about that. And the Top 10 list follows at the end…

The US Open began yesterday at Flushing Meadows, New York. It’s been raining both yesterday and today, delaying the match schedule. You know what this means? Sania could actually still be playing in the tournament after the first two days.

Maybe I am being too unkind to her. She has in fact won her first round match against Karolina Sprem. But this has thrown her travel schedule into chaos….she had already booked the return flight for yesterday night…..poor girl.

Tennis pundits are predicting another Federer-Nadal final. When asked if he expected to compete against anyone other than Nadal in the final, Roger replied – ‘What do you mean, compete?’

To give you an idea how dominant the top two players in the men’s draw are - The official seedings for the US Open this year reads 1– Federer, 2-Nadal and etc.

Irrespective of anything else, this US Open will be remembered for one thing, and one thing only. And everyone knows what that is. The whole tennis world is watching with anticipation. I am talking about the introduction of the ‘Instant replays’ rule.

Kidding. It is of course all about this being Andre Agassi’s last tournament. And he managed to win his first round match against Andrei Pavel. It was strange because everyone wanted Agassi to win – The crowd, the commentators, the chair umpire…. and Andrei Pavel too.

Speaking of which, today’s Top 10 List will be about Agassi’s retirement.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 reasons why I think Agassi has finally decided its time to retire from Tennis-

10. The crowds are now cheering for him each time he hits a ball over the net.
9. More and more people are now aware that his middle name is Kirk.
8. The last time he served an ace was in 2001.
7. He is currently ranked below someone named Dmitry Tursunov.
6. The ball-boys have started calling him ‘Sir’.
5. For the last 3 years, tournament organizers have been referring to his prize money as ‘pension’.
4. He is still 328 Grand Slam titles behind Steffi.
3. He is the only one playing who still remembers who Michael Stich is.
2. He has played fewer matches than Anna Kournikova this year.
1. Roger Federer.

Headlines : 28th July, Monday

2006-08-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

A typical day in Chennai. It was so hot that people were sweating like Muslim kids trying to remember the lines of ‘Vande Mataram’ during the practice run at school.

It was so hot that people were sweating like Pervez Musharaff taking a vacation in Baluchistan.

Pakistan has promised India that it would do everything it can to help us in the war against terror. In an unrelated incident, a Pakistan court has set Muhammad Saeed, the founder of Lashkar-e-Toiba free from jail.

Hezbollah chief Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah has said he would not have ordered the capture of two Israeli soldiers if he had known it would lead to such a war. Sure man, no problem. Could have happened to anyone. It's not like you can take the trouble of considering the repercussions of each and every one of your actions before doing anything..........you just hope for the best and carry on.........

President Bush has said that he learnt his lessons from the disaster last year that was Hurricane Katrina. Specifically, he has learnt that Katrina is spelled with a K and not a C.

The UN is planning on sending a force of 15,000 troops for peacekeeping duty in Lebanon. Wow.....unless the UN is thinking of borrowing a few thousands from the Al Qaeda, I don’t see how it is going to make up the numbers.

That’s right. Most countries are hesitant in committing troops to the UN. In fact, France initially said they could send no more than 200 soldiers. Kofi Annan agreed to the offer, provided France included Zinedine Zidane in those 200 guys.

Andre Agassi has now asked the US Open organizers to give him $500,000 and he will retire from the sport without any fuss whatsoever.

Maria Esther de Capovilla, believed to be the world's oldest person, has died at the age of 116, in Ecuador. Apparently, she was witness to Kevin Federline's rap performance at the 2006 Teen choice music awards and decided it was just not worth carrying on anymore.................

The following articles by Vishwa

Pluto has been stripped of its planet title. It must have done some heinous crime. Wait a minute.. it cant. Not even remotely through natal charts. Though the reason is unknown, such a decision is sure to affect its mental state n can make its orbit even more eccentric.

I would suggest Pluto to take it easy and learn from Natwar singh; nothing wrong in being stripped of ministry or party membership or being involved in scam.

Chennai turns 368 tomorrow. I must say, it still looks to be in its sweet 16

Sachin earns 2000 times of what our PM earns. But it is a crappy comparison. We can't compare one who trashes the balls out of the ground with the other who has none.

27th August, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 2

2006-08-27T03:00:00.000-07:00

So…..are you as excited about who is going to win the Clown of the Week (COTW) award the second time around? Cause let me make one thing very clear at the outset…….unlike some people, I am really taking this award quite seriously. It’s not as fancy as the Oscar’s or the Emmy’s but it makes up for it by……by.….er…..ok fine. Moving on……

The winner of the ‘Clown of the Week’ award is…………Punit Sablok.

Let me explain…….he is the owner of the new restaurant ‘Hitler’s Cross’, that opened this week in Mumbai.

Do I need to say more? ‘Hitler’s Cross’!! He was actually stupid enough to name the place ‘Hitler’s Cross’. Can you believe that? Let’s follow the logic behind this bizarre decision.

"We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds," says Punit. He sure got that part right. It does stay in your mind, doesn’t it? Like how Chernobyl does…..or maybe FEMA…..you know, disasters!!!

“We just wanted to tell people we are different in the way Hitler was different" contends Mr.Sablok. Oh really????????..............Surely he cannot be serious?

"This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal," he says. But consider this. They have actually put up a huge portrait of a stern-looking Fuehrer that greets visitors at the door. Now, if THAT doesn’t get people all relaxed and cozy, then what will?

Considering all the flak they have been getting over the Lebanon tussle, this is last thing the Jews needed right now. And following the oh-so-expected protests by the Jewish community in Mumbai, Punit assures us -"We have decided to change the name of our restaurant and remove all signs and articles associated with Hitler and Nazism in and around it."

But overall, the thing that clichéd the award in his favor was that he actually thought he could name his restaurant ‘Hitler’s Cross’ and get away with it. In fact, he was planning to turn the eatery's name into a brand with branches throughout Mumbai. Oh my God!!!

He wins the award hands down this week and I bet no ones arguing :)

(Close runners-up for the award were:
Singer Madonna –who has been lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid.
and
Kevin ‘Britney’s man’ Federline – who had a disastrous debut as a rapper at the 2006 Teen Choice awards.)

26th August, Saturday : Quirky Headlines.....Actual ones :-)

2006-08-26T06:46:00.000-07:00

Since this is the weekend, something different from the usual for today. Here are some actual headlines from some of the lesser known publications that are quite hilarious. It is highly likely that the people who wrote these headlines are longer employed in any capacity whatsoever.

Here goes.

‘Port to get nuclear detectors that won't be set off by cat litter.’
[This just makes perfect sense. Why would anyone invest millions of dollars to make nuclear detectors that detect cat litter and the likes? All you need for that is a trained cat.]

‘Man convicted for child molestation goes free because judge accepted a Donut'.
[I don’t even understand this one. I mean, was the donut laced with chloroform or something? And what kind of message are we sending out to child molesters? That all they need is a doughnut to bait the judge? The same doughnut they used to bait the kids in the first place?]

‘Eyebrow wax herpes lawsuit to proceed’
[I don’t know what kind of a case that is……but am surprised that they managed to find a lawyer willing to take it up…..eyebrow wax herpes…..yikes!!!]

‘Dead chickens save drivers on car registration’.
[So who says that dog is man’s best friend?]

‘Belgians battle caterpillar plague with love traps’
[…….and we thought the Dutch were crazy…….and please, I don’t even want to know what those ‘love traps’ are…..eeewwwwwww]

‘Cows' urine source of lake trouble’
[I would usually associate the phrase ‘lake trouble’ with the Lochness Monster……turns out I underestimated the threat posed by our bovine companions]

'Tony, please support our breasts'
[At last some good news for Tony Blair. If the people want him to listen to what they are saying, then they better say stuff like this that grabs his attention. If THIS request doesn’t, nothing will.]

‘Hollywood post office evacuated after substance causes swelling, tingling’
[Wow…..wonder what kind of substance that is……I mean, they have tried out pretty much every kind of gross substance in Hollywood…..especially those that cause swelling and tingling…..hmmm…..could be a tough one for the medical community.]

‘Pee on Earth Day announced’
[As a race, we have done everything humanly possible to make the earth as polluted and dirty as we could……..now lets all stand up together and pee on it……come on guys…..we owe it to the planet, don’t we?]

‘Penis’ falls short of heady expectations’
[For all you people with dirty minds, the word Penis here refers to a play by Oscar winner Ernest Thompson……]

Headlines : 24th August, Thursday

2006-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

A knock-knock joke to start with.

The Sun: Knock Knock
Pluto: Who’s there?
The Sun: Not you anymore….

That’s right. Astronomers at the International Astronomical Union have decided that Pluto is no longer considered a planet under the new guidelines. As per the new guidelines, it needed to at least bigger in size than Pamela Anderson’s boobs to be considered a planet. Pluto just missed the cut apparently……

I am just so sad for Pluto, you know. It’s so unfair. If these stupid astronomers want to DO something, then could tell us how the Universe began or what the hell these black holes are……but No. They don’t have the brains to do any of that……so they indulge in these interstellar downsizing initiatives…..losers…..

When he heard this, George Bush was quite surprised. ‘Pluto was a planet?’ – he asked Cheney. ‘And what about the Sun?..........don’t tell me it’s been given the boot too……’

Meanwhile, the medicos and medical students are back at it again in India. It’s the anti-quota protests. You know what this means…….they are in the mood to have another vacation.

It is now believed that the ball-tampering row could split the entire cricketing world into two factions. That’s right, the ENTIRE cricketing world…..all 8 countries….. (Do I hear the soccer fans rotfl somewhere??....hehehehehe)

And the umpire in the middle of all this, Darell Hair, says that soon a lot of people will pay for their actions. No, he is not referring to the Pakistani’s who tampered with the ball. He is referring to all the people who wrote these ‘Hair’-based headlines. You know, ‘A Hairy affair’, ‘A Hair-raising day’, ‘A bad Hair day for the Pakistani’s’ and so on. Frankly, even I am sick of these puns already……

This shows how innocent our PM Manmohan Singh really is. He told the Lok Sabha that he had a personal assurance from George Bush that India’s interests would not be compromised with the Indo-US nuclear pact. Yeah sure. Here are some of Bush’s other assurances: ‘We will find those WMD in Iraq for sure’ and ‘The US govt. will do everything to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina’……..

The Union Cabinet has decided today that the state of Uttaranchal is to be renamed Uttarakhand. And not a moment too soon, if you ask me. In an unrelated piece of news, the terrorists who orchestrated the Mumbai blasts are now planning their next assignment in Delhi.

12 Indians, traveling by a US airliner and have been arrested in The Netherlands, and charged with disruption of flight. Apparently, they threw the Pepsi bottles served to them back at the air hostesses while singing ‘Vande Mataram’ rather loudly in a chorus.

And, yeah…..we finally have an answer to the question that’s been bothering us all these months…….’Vettayudu Vilayadu’ is definitely releasing before Windows Vista.

23rd August, Wednesday : Top Ten List # 3

2006-08-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Its Top 10 time people. I hope to have one up every Wednesday. So, the two regular features will be the Top 10 lists on Wednesday evenings and the ‘Clown of the Week’ award on Sunday evenings.

Today’s topic is about the South African cricket team’s hurried exit from Sri Lanka following a bomb blast near their team hotel. Well…..at least that is what they say is the official reason. I think the real reasons are quite different.

So here goes.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 reasons why I think the South African team really left for home in a hurry abandoning the Tour of Sri Lanka-

10. The forecast was for heavy rains and none of the South Africans had brought their raincoats.

9. Many of the players were haunted by dreams of Murali chucking hand grenades at them from across the pitch.

8. There was not a single strip club within 15 miles of Colombo.

7. Hashim Amla’s room-mate actually heard him mumbling –‘Long live the Al Qaeda’ in his sleep.

6. The potatoes that Shaun Pollock bought from the local Supermarket started exploding when he tried cutting them.

5. The South Africans were scared that all these bombings would trigger another tsunami.

4. Rumours were rife that Oprah Winfrey was making a surprise visit to Africa next week.

3. The Lankan cricket board announced that the post match interviews would be done in Sinhalese.

2. The new Ten Sports commentary team covering the Tour comprised of Kapil Dev, Azhar, Jadeja and Prabhakar.

1. According to their original schedule, they had been slated to fly back home in Air India via Mumbai.

Headlines : 22nd August, Tuesday

2006-08-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ridiculous scenes in the Lok Sabha today over the Government's statement that singing the national song Vande Mataram on September 7 was voluntary. The BJP and the Congress MPs were involved in a fracas and the house had to be adjourned twice. So basically, they were fighting over a song that signifies our unity as a nation. Awesome!!

The plan is to make all state governments ensure that the first two stanzas of the song were sung in all schools on September 7th. Sure, we could do that. But what’s the point if the kids are singing ‘Kajra Re’ the other 364 days?

HRD Minister Arjun Singh's opinion is that singing 'Vande Mataram' should be optional for all Indians. He feels that apart from A.R.Rahman, everyone else pretty much sucks at it.

The Oval test controversy. Even after the umpires waited for 10 minutes, the Pakistan team just refused to come out onto the field and take part in the proceedings. Sorta like the French Army when called by the UN for duty in Lebanon.

The committee set up by Union Health ministry to examine the report by the CSE says that there was ‘no conclusive evidence’ on the presence of pesticides in the soft drinks. The cola companies are now accusing the CSE of ‘bottle tampering’.

In the next few days, Iran is likely to reject the Nuclear-package offered by the US. But it’s not all bad news for the US. At least they now know that Osama doesn’t hate all Americans…….

Did anyone know that today is supposed to be 'Chennai Day'? Especially if you are not an aged member of the Lions Club or the Rotary Club trying to create such artificial events to justify the pathetic existence of those organizations?

A fun headline from CNN.com to finish with. It reads - ' Speed blamed for Spain rail crash'.
Well, duh!!!! The speed is the reason why there was a crash.......no speed, no crash.

Headlines : 21st August, Monday

2006-08-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

Another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like a Pakistan bowler caught with a corkscrew in his kerchief.

Total chaos at the Oval test match between England and Pakistan. The Pakistani players refused to come out to play after the umpired accused them of ball tampering. And I don’t blame the Paki’s for that. What is this……the 545th time they have been accused of ball tampering? They must be sick of it………In fact, Inzamam said that he would have gladly accepted accusations of head-butting an Englishman than the ball tampering thing all over again.

Keeping with sports. Tennis. Andy Roddick scored a shock victory over Juan Carlos Ferrero and won the Cincinatti Masters cup. Actually, the shock for everyone was to see these two guys in the finals……….. instead of Federer and Nadal as usual.

Andy Roddick has been playing quite badly for a long time now and this is his first tournament win in more than a year. Not surprisingly, Ferrero has now accused Roddick of ball tampering.

It’s official. Narayanamurthy has finally handed over the executive chairmanship of Infosys to Nandan Nilekani. The upshot – one more person working with Infy will be jobless and sitting on the bench from now on. Good for him.

Something to cheer about. India finally has someone with an assured chance of winning Gold at the Olympics. It’s Manavjit Singh Sandhu, World No.1 in Trap Shooting. Impressive isn’t it? But you know what’s the difference between him and Jaswant Singh?
Manavjit is good at trap shooting while Jaswant is best known for shooting his trap off.

I will never understand this. In a press conference today, President Bush has said that the US leaving Iraq now would be a disaster. Okay. Alright. But, a disaster compared to what? Really….what success does he have in mind when calling the pulling out a disaster? The whole project has been nothing but a disaster from the very start…..

In his genocide trial, where he is accused of willfully murdering of over 100,000 Kurdish people, Saddam Hussein has defiantly refused to enter a plea in the case. Saddam actually believes that he did nothing wrong. When he heard this, O.J.Simpson hailed him as an inspiration and a ‘fantastic role model’.

The Lebanon circus. After agreeing to a ceasefire, Israel has now done a volte face and launched a raid on the Hezbollah deep inside Beirut. Well well well………..you know what they say…..never trust a Jew unless he is on a Cross with his hands and feet safely clamped to the woodwork.

This is just sick. Osama Bin Laden’s sex slave, Sudanese woman Kola Boof has revealed in her book that Osama has a crush on singer Whitney Houston. Wow!! I wonder how Whitney will react when she finds out that Laden is lusting after her…….but one thing’s for sure – this is not going to help her with her drug problem any……..that much is for sure.

It is also exposed in the book that Osama is a racist and is openly dismissive of black women. But the good part for him is that no one can hate him, any more than they already do, because of this new revelation.

20th August, Sunday : Clown of the Week # 1

2006-08-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hi people. This is another new thing I am trying out. I am calling it the ‘Clown of the Week’ award, given out every Sunday. The award is pretty much self-explanatory and given the fact that, these days, there are so many people ready to make a fool of themselves in public, it will be a tough job for me to single out one of them for this honour. But I promise to do my best :-))

Here goes. The winner of the first ever ‘Clown of the Week’ award is………Rahul Dravid.

Oh yes..... It is The Wall, an unlikely candidate for this award. But he has earned it with a gem of a quote - "We are worried more about the weather than the bombs…..” during the tour of Sri Lanka.

It’s the most ridiculous thing Dravid has ever done since acting in that Kissan Jam commercial a decade ago.

First of all, how is this kind of a comment supposed to make the South African Cricket Board that has just withdrawn its players from the tour due to the security risks? It also makes a mockery of the LTTE by bringing their capabilities into the equation. They were probably thinking about assassinating the President……but now, they might be willing to put that on hold and deal with the Indian team first.

The surprising part is that Dravid is hardly known for his sense of humour or for speaking his mind. He is typically a man of clichés. Before every match in the last ten years, he has invariably said the same things. Like – ‘ We need to be focused on our game…..take it ball by ball….stick to the basics…..play to our strengths…..its a team effort…’ and so on. And out of the blue, he says something like this in a tense scenario where lives are actually at risk. Totally out of character. Probably he meant it in a good way but then, why take these chances when you are best known for being politically correct?

[Guys…….feel free to nominate your choices for the Clown of the Week award from the coming week. You can either send me an e-mail or leave it as a comment on the blog. I will take them into consideration before making the big decision every weekend :-)]

Headlines : 18th August, Friday

2006-08-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

Back to being hot again in Chennai. It was so hot that people were like – ‘What the hell, get me that bottle of Fanta, pesticides or not….’

It was so hot that people were sweating like Shaun Pollock and Mark Boucher shopping for vegetables at a Colombo supermarket.

That’s right. The South Africans have left the tour of Sri Lanka citing security reasons after a bomb blast near their hotel in Colombo. When they heard this, children in Kashmir were going - ‘Wow……….what a bunch of sissies………’

Senior Indian cricketers like Sachin and Dravid have no problems in carrying on with the tour though. And why would they? Afterall, Tendulkar comes from a place where there were 7 blasts in 30 minutes just a few weeks back. He feels much safer over there in Lanka.

The United Nations is struggling to assemble a decent sized peacekeeping force for Lebanon. No one is committing any troops……..in fact, countries are running away from the UN faster than the South African team from Sri Lanka.

Israel has asked the UN to clearly define the process of deploying the Peace Keeping forces in Lebanon. Forget that, lets first define what ‘Office of Profit’ means, okay?

The second time around, President Kalam has signed the OoP Bill since he had no choice but to do so. The President is just concerned that the term Office of Profit is not yet clearly defined and open to varied interpretations. The MPs in Lok Sabha are going – ‘But that’s the whole point, isn’t it? ……..’

The Government has decided to form a Joint Parliamentary Committee (JPC) of 15 members to address the concerns expressed by the President. Hmmm……15 politicians working to define something – this project has 'too many cooks.....' written all over it.

In the middle of all the chaos about pesticides, Indra Nooyi has been appointed the new CEO of PepsiCo. And not surprisingly, the first thing she did after hearing the news was give Coca Cola the middle finger (remember that crazy controversy?......hehehe)

A plane flying from London to Egypt was forced to land in Italy following a bomb scare that turned out to be a false alarm. It is now suspected that the pilot actually landed in a hurry in Italy since he was keen on trying some traditional pizza made in Napoli.

In spite of being called a lousy movie, ‘Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna’ is breaking box-office records everywhere. The reason being obvious. So who says that the stars don’t rule people?

Mel Gibson has pleaded ‘no contest’ in court at the charges against him. Let’s see – He was arrested for drunken driving, tested for very high blood-alcohol levels, made anti-Semitic remarks during his arrest and tried to lie his way out of it initially. Yep, that does look every bit a ‘no contest’ case, doesn’t it?

17th August, Thursday : Top Ten List # 2

2006-08-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

My apologies for not updating the blog in the last three days people. Have been thinking about new ideas of how to make the blog more interesting. Will be trying out a few things in the days ahead. Hope you guys like it.

And the Top 10 lists are a lot of fun in my opinion. This is the second one I am attempting and am looking at making it a regular feature in the blog if you like it.

Ok here goes. This is with respect to the Soft Drink - Pesticide debate. Personally, I have a feeling that Coke and Pepsi are guilty of supplying inferior quality products for the Indian market.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

The Top 10 reasons why I think the allegations about excessive pesticide content in Soft Drinks are true- Based on the following:

10. Repeated use of the phrase 'Allowed Limit' while talking about the pesticide content.

9. The latest tag line for Coke is - 'Just drink it. It's not like you will get Cancer or something.'

8. The fact that Britney Spears feeds her baby Diet Pepsi everyday.

7. PepsiCo Chairman's argument - ' We never claimed it was a health drink, okay?...'

6. A farmer in Orissa asking the NDTV News reporter - ' You mean to say you guys actually DRINK this stuff?'

5. Sprite getting chosen by Dick Cheney as the official drink at Abu Gharib prison in Iraq.

4. Coca Cola Marketing Manager’s defense that it was DEFINITELY better than drinking plain water with pesticides.

3. Thumbs Up Spokesperson answering a customer complaint with – ‘Sir, isn’t it possible that the bothersome rat in your kitchen died own its own accord?’

2. Soft Drink bottles in rural areas actually come with an attached nozzle and sprayer at the top.

1. Sachin Tendulkar dubiously saying - ' I would be seen drinking a lot more Pepsi bottles if it were not for my Tennis Elbow problem.'

Headlines : 13th August, Sunday

2006-08-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

It was raining hard in the evening in Chennai. In fact, it was raining so hard that people were just glad they were not in Gujrat right now.

The main findings of The Hindu -CNN-IBN State of the Nation Survey are worrying to say the least. In spite of the Pathak report disclosures, Mandal-II, farmer suicides and rising commodity prices, the UPA and Congress has gotten more popular!! All I can say that being an incompetent political party in this country has never been more fun.

And to think that the Mumbai blasts happened just a month ago. And we have no clues. What were the participants in the survey thinking? That it could have been 17 blasts instead of just 7? Is that what were they thinking?

I guess UPA stands for ‘Unconditionally Popular Alliance’.

When he heard this, George Bush was like – ‘Hey! My performance was similar to this……how come my approval ratings are down all the time?

Today, BJP party members were spotted with sad and long faces. Some of them were crying. And this was only because they had just been to the premiere of ‘Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna’. They haven’t even heard about the survey yet.

August 15th coming up in a couple of days. Everyone is getting mentally prepared for two things – Blasts in Kashmir and watching ‘Roja’ on DD-national for the 173rd time.

Today, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan heard the words that he never thought he would in his lifetime. Someone saying – ‘We agree to listen to the UN’s decision’.

That’s right. The Israeli Cabinet has approved the UN cease-fire pact effective form tomorrow. On the other hand, the Cabinet also approved an expanded ground offensive on Lebanon just 48 hours ago. Phew!!..... I am just relieved that they have a clear action plan in mind. They do seem to know what they are doing……..

When President Bush was asked if he thought Israel was equivocating with respect to the Lebanon issue, his reply was – ‘They are doing nothing of that sort. But from their statements, it’s not clear whether they want to fight or settle for a cease-fire’.

Following his operation, Fidel Castro asked his people to be ready to face any adverse news regarding his health. Like when he said that he felt much healthier already and would be back soon.

Someone has come in support of a man arrested in the US for terrorism-related charges and said that he is innocent. The FBI is slightly wary of the source though, since it happens to be the man’s wife!!!. Not exactly the true objective third-party opinion one looks for in these cases, is it?

A recent survey among US High School students reveals that there are a fewer of them having sex when compared to 1991. But wait, it’s not all good news. It seems the real reason for this is that most of them are already bored with sex by the time they got to high school!!!!!!!!!

Headlines : 11th August, Friday

2006-08-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

A cloudy day in Chennai. Very cloudy. Not a single star to be seen. Unless, of course, you were sitting at the premiere of Karan Johar’s latest film at Sathyam Cinemas.

That’s right. ‘Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna’ is getting released today. Karan Johar has apparently taken a few risks in this movie and dealt with some unconventional themes. Risk? Risk??..........the film’s cast includes Shah Rukh Khan, Amitabh Bachan, Abhishek Bachan, Priety Zinta, Rani Mukherjee, Kajol, Arjun Rampal, Kirron Kher………Hmmm….if THIS is a risk, then I want to know how he plays it safe.

The London airport crackdown. I think the only people disappointed with the whole thing must be CNN, BBC, NDTV……can you imagine it? 20 planes…..exploding……every News channels dream……they could have played the gory images over and over again for years……poor guys.

Not only did the London police avert the disaster, but within 24 hours, they have identified around 20 suspects and frozen their monetary assets. Onto Mumbai. Our guys let the terrorists have all the blasts they wanted and after a month have arrested 2 guys just because they were Muslims. You can draw your own conclusions here……

The terrorists were apparently using liquid weapons that got past security checks. What liquid weapons? All they had were a few cans of Pepsi in their hand-luggage.

Speaking of which. Pepsi and Coke in their defense point out that a lot of the rice, eggs and apples sold at retail locations contain more pesticides than the soft drinks. Gee…..suddenly I wish I were an alcoholic……I mean, what’s the point in being a teetotaler anymore? Health reasons?

The US has warned India that the Al Qaeda is now planning some attacks on us. In response, the government has dismissed the issue as totally innocuous and downplayed the threat. Sure, we don’t need any help from anyone…….we KNOW how to take care of ourselves from terrorists……..bring ‘em on !!

The PM is going to have an aerial visit of the flood hit areas in Maharashtra. Can someone explain to me how a guy flying in a helicopter and waving at the people below is going to help their sorry situation any? It just makes them feel worse. It’s almost like Manmohan is pointing out that they are all wet while he is high and dry in his state funded transport vehicle.

The Bill Gates Foundation has pledged $500 million for global AIDS research. Wow……….So, if you are a sex maniac intent on having sex with a lot of people without proper protection – GO RIGHT AHEAD. We apparently have your back covered :- )

A gem of a quote from Bush to finish. ‘The US is at war with Islamic fascists’ he points out to everyone. It’s taken him 10 years more than everyone to realize this…..but I am glad he is catching up with rest of the world, albeit at his own pace.

Headlines : 9th August, Wednesday

2006-08-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

The big news first. Dada Ganguly has been named in the list of 30 probables for India’s upcoming series. He celebrated it by drinking a can of Coca Cola and calling Dean Jones a racist pig.

That’s right. Commentator Dean Jones has been sacked after he called cricketer Hashim Amla ‘a terrorist’. His logic was that Amla was a Muslim. And he had a beard. That makes him a terrorist. Hey! He could work in our Foreign Affairs ministry……he is starting to sound like them anyway (talking about Pakistan).

Total chaos in the Lok Sabha the last two days. It’s over the rotten Jaswant-mole episode and arguments over who leaked the Pathak report to the press ahead of schedule. I don't mind these little antics of theirs since they have already ensured that the terrorists responsible for the Mumbai blasts are all behind bars........

Actually, forget finding those who did the Mumbai blasts. We can't even find out who leaked the Pathak report to the press !!!.

In fact, the Lok Sabha speaker has sent an e-mail to all 545 members pleading for their co-operation in running the parliament smoothly. Great. Now, all that is left is to go to each ministers' house and teach them what a PC is and how to operate one.

Suspended Foreign Affairs minister Natwar Singh has called Manmohan ' weak, indecisive, cowardly and spineless'. Isn't this typical of a politician? Mouthing clichés all the time.........saying stuff everyone knows already and trying to pass it off as exclusive knowledge.........typical.....just typical !!

Natwar has also said that he is already looking at life beyond the Congress. I mean, being a politician is not the ONLY way you can make money through bribes...........there are so many other ways, which he is willing to explore.

Floyd Landis has vowed to fight to the limit with the authorities to clear his name of the drug abuse charges. In fact, he has already taken an injection of testosterone to help him with that and is all set for the battle......

Even after the test results showed that he had a high level of synthetic testosterone in his blood, Landis is arguing that they were naturally produced by his body. How courageous is that?........the only people I would expect to naturally produce synthetic hormones in their bodies are Cher and Pamela Anderson.

Today, they did a drug test on Israel’s Cabinet ministers and the results showed that they all had high levels of testosterone in their bodies. No wonder the idiots have approved an even broader ground offensive on Lebanon.

Science is now on the verge of discovering the secrets of invisibility. Big deal. If you want the secret, just ask the UN Secretary-general Kofi Annan. The Israeli’s hardly seem to notice his presence if you ask me.

You know Shah Rukh Khan? I don't know why, but sometimes people call him arrogant and vain...........why would they say that about him? Even when speaking about ' Kabhi Alvida na Kehna' , Shah Rukh has only said that he is 'fantastically sexy' in the movie.......nothing off the top.

It was Raksha Bandhan today. A nightmarish day for guys with women trying to become their sisters and all that. Even Mika was sick of seeing so many Rakhis.......

7th August, Monday : Top Ten List # 1

2006-08-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I just thought I might try something new. Anyone who has seen the Late Show with David Letterman knows what his Top 10 lists are.

Based on that, I have attempted something similar with the recent Jaswant Singh - mole fiasco.

The list is written in reverse order starting with Number 10 and finishing with the Number 1....

Top 10 reasons why I think Jaswant Singh was making up the whole US 'mole' issue - Based on his statements to the Press below

10. ' If you refer to pages 213 - 245 of my newly released book 'A Call to Honour'.........'

9. ’I was going to reveal the name of the mole in my letter to the PM........but my printer ran out of Ink'

8. ’I can only reveal the name of the mole on Feb 29th of a leap year............not on any other day'

7. ’You want to know specifically, who that mole was?............As Isaid, the Sensex seems to be doing quite well.....'

6. ' Don't we all get these hunches from time to time?'

5. ' Did I say the Narasimha Rao government? I meant the Nehru one actually..............'

4. ' The US is our ally..........what's wrong in sharing a few things with them?'

3. ' Are you telling me we actually had a nuclear program way back in 1995?'

2. ' He was not so much a mole as he was a tiny rat, to be honest'.

1. ' The 'mole' died after drinking a can of Pepsi'

Headlines : 4th August, Friday

2006-08-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

At last a solution to the Middle East crisis. It has been suggested by the Iranian President Mahmud Ahmedinejad. It’s short and simple. "Destroy Israel".
No kidding. That’s what he said. Maybe its time he stopped playing those video games on his Playstation.2..........they are starting to get to him.

Destroy Israel indeed!! If there is a hell and Hitler is still around the premises, I am sure he is sporting a big smile right now.

I guess the Iranian President is just following the Mel Gibson example.........you know, get really drunk and start attacking Jews left right and centre.

He also urged Muslim states to "isolate" the United States and Britain for supporting Israel's military attacks against Lebanon. This is a radical suggestion. A paradigm shift. As far as I know, the Muslim countries just LOVE the United States and UK.........

In fact, British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to postpone his scheduled holiday till the violent Middle East situation is resolved. He has rescheduled it for August, 2015. Fingers crossed.

India is going to withdraw its troops deployed on peacekeeping duty inLebanon. That’s the right thing to do. Given the state of affairs, they have OBVIOUSLY failed in their mission. Obviously.

The Pathak Commission’s report on the oil-for-food scam has been leaked to the press. So, someone apparently has been bribed into giving out the details about a bribery scam. This is India for you right here.

Jagat Singh, son of Natwar Singh, has firmly denied that he or his father ever received any money as bribes in the oil-for-food scam. Of course, Jagat was seated in his brand new Mercedes car when he made this statement to the press.

Update on the 7 / 11 Mumbai train blasts. Wait........... actually there's no update................ that's right, still no progress on that front.

Following the pesticide allegations, the Supreme Court has asked Pepsi and Coke to reveal the chemical contents of their products. I am really really hoping the words dirt and phenyl have no part to play in the issue.

Something to be proud of. Winner of a seven-month rigorous competition conducted by Microsoft, Abhishek Kumarasubramaniam (20), an IIT Madras student, will get an opportunity to work directly with Bill Gates. But his first assignment is a toughie - he has to fix all the bugs in Windows Vista and ensure it’s released by the end of this month!!!

Ohio State University astronomers are claiming that the Triangulum Galaxy is actually 15 per cent further away from our galaxy than previously measured, which implies that the universe is bigger and older than earlier believed. You know what this means for all of us? - NOTHING.

Headlines : 2nd August, Wednesday

2006-08-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Sachin is now endorsing a new product. Pesticides. Well....actually, he is still the brand ambassador for Pepsi but apparently, the drink can ALSO kill that annoying rat nibbling your shirt in the closet.

That's right. The latest CSE report says that the pesticide content in soft drinks is higher than ever before. On the other hand, I see SachinTendulkar on TV everyday putting his reputation on the line and assuring me that Pepsi is the best thing for me to drink. Hmmmm.........wonder who I should trust here.........

It seems that in the samples that were tested, the pesticide content was more than 200 times the allowed limit set by the Bureau of Indian Standards (BIS). Wait a minute, allowed limit? Allowed limit? When did I agree to that?? I don’t want ANY pesticides in what I drink!!!

The mole controversy. Jaswant Singh now says that he doesn’t know the name of the mole. He also denies ever claiming he knew the name of the spy. Does this mean he has been screwing around with all of us so far? I say put him in jail…….with molestation charges.

But he does confirm that the ‘mole’ is someone well-known who no longer lives in India. Right…… well-known. No longer in India. This should be pretty simple tracking down this person. There are just a few million people who match this description. Should be a cinch.

The Congress has moved a privilege motion in the Rajya Sabha against Leader of the Opposition Jaswant Singh for misleading the House. Jaswant now says that he never knew that he was the Leader of the Opposition and he never claimed any such thing.

Pakistan is calling on India to provide specific information and intelligence on the Mumbai blasts so that they can also help with the investigation. Yeah, right. Information…..intelligence……as if we have any of that ready with us. Are they just mocking us here?

The Middle East conflict. The Hezbollah have fired a record 190 rockets at Israel today. In spite of that, they could only manage to kill one Israeli guy riding a cycle. What a waste of so many rockets!!!. On the plus side, it’s comforting to know that India is not the only one firing rockets aimlessly these days.

UN chief Kofi Annan is now focusing on the achieving peace in Darfur. If the UN can be as successful here as it was with the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict……..then………..nothing might get done here too.

Fidel Castro has recovered well after his operation. Not everyone is happy about it though. There are a lot of rebel Cubans in Miami who were actually celebrating his demise from power. They even refer to him as ‘Infidel’ Castro.

Headlines : 1st August, Tuesday

2006-08-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Back to being hot in Chennai again. People were sweating like Fidel Castro watching an episode of ER.

That’s right. The 79-year old Cuban leader has handed the power over to his brother since he has an intestinal surgery operation coming up. An old politician forced to relinquish power due to health reasons? Seems to happen everywhere, except here in Tamil Nadu.

Total chaos in the Rajya Sabha today. Manmohan Singh was in a belligerent mood. He demanded that Jaswant Singh come out openly and honestly reveal the name of the mole. It was at this point when all the honorable members broke into hysterical laughter.

A politician being asked to be open and honest? Even the PM had the decency to admit later that he got carried away a bit there.

And hear this. On top of this US mole controversy, Jaswant Singh has now accused the PM of opposing the nuclear tests India conducted during 1994-1996. Manmohan countered this saying – ‘Jaswant is doing this just to deflect attention from the mole controversy’. To which, Jaswant said – ‘Well, duh!!!’

The floods in Gujarat. The Army has now been called in to help in the rescue operations. And why not? They are no good in keeping the militants quiet in Kashmir. Let them do something useful at least……..

The FBI has identified some terrorist camps in Kashmir using advanced satellite images. The Pakistani President was stunned on hearing this. He was asking – ‘What is this now? I thought everybody knew about the terrorist camps already. Why mess around with satellites and stuff?’

Pakistan on Tuesday emphasized that 'phenomenon of terrorism' should not be allowed to have any impact on Indo-Pak ties. Totally reasonable, if you ask me. Just because they support the terrorists and just because they are behind all the major bombings in India doesn’t mean they are not our friends, right?

In the meanwhile, the LTTE and the Lankan army are also at it again. But no one seems to notice this with all the fireworks going on in Lebanon. It’s like having a match between Zimbabwe and Bangladesh when the Ashes series is in full swing.

This is amazing. A 4-year old boy in Patna has been accused of assaulting and molesting a woman. Wait wait wait…..let me rephrase that……he has been accused of assaulting and TRYING to molest a woman….hehehehe.

A 4-year old molesting an old woman? Finally India has its very own Ashton Kutcher. Yay!!

Headlines : 31st July, Monday

2006-07-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

It was raining in Chennai in the evening. The weather was delightful and people were having a great time. They were like the Hezbollah on hearing the words ‘Cease-fire’.

The crisis in the Middle East. Following calls from India and the UN, Israel has agreed to a cease-fire for two days.
What? You look surprised..........Yeah, was just pulling your leg. The Israelis don't give a damn about the UN or India. They have just run out of missiles I think.

You know what’s the problem for the starving refugees in Beirut right now?
They can only have Juice for breakfast, lunch, dinner and have Jews for company.

In the middle of all this, George Bush has expressed his desire to see 'sustainable peace' in the Middle East. Is this a new strategy of his? You know, ease all the tension with some humour?

Forget the Middle East, let’s first try to achieve some ‘sustainable peace’ between Jagmohan Dalmiya and Saurav Ganguly.

Manmohan Singh has denied that Jaswant Singh gave him the name of the US 'mole' in the Narasimha Rao Govt. This is after Jaswant claimed that he had already revealed the name of the mole to the PM. The last time there was so much fuss about a US mole, Cindy Crawford had just come into fame.

You know something? Jaswant Singh has recently released a book ‘Call to Honour’ which has already gone into the second print due to the sensational nature of his allegations. I am no skeptic but I have a feeling Jaswant has made a ‘mountain out of a mole’ just to sell his book.

It keeps getting worse. American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who holds the Olympic and World 100m records, has failed a drugs test. As usual, he has given the ‘I don’t even know how this happened’ speech to the press. Let me tell you how it happened, you cheater……remember how you filled the syringe with that stuff and injected it into your bum?……… yeah, THAT’s how you ran so fast!!!

Previous Tour winner Lance Armstrong has also tested positive for using performance enhancing drugs. But the sad part, he is only driving his car around these days. Apparently, he did it due to sheer force of habit.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has decided against early retirement and will lead his Liberal Party into elections next year. Excuse me, early retirement? Hasn’t he already won the last four elections and been in power for more than a decade now???

Mel Gibson has confessed that there has been a relapse of his alcoholism habit. He only has himself to blame for this. Ever since he played Jesus Christ in 'Passion of theChrist', each time he drank water, he has been turning it into wine without realizing it.

Pam Anderson has tied the knot again with singer Kid Rock. It was a fun occasion for all attendees. Except for the priest, I guess. How tough must it be to say the words - 'Do you take this man, KID ROCK, as your husband' and still keep a straight face?

How’s this for an irony? Allen Carr, the world famous anti-smoking guru has been recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I don’t know if I should even bother coming up with a joke here.....

Headlines : 28th July, Friday

2006-07-28T08:24:00.001-07:00

Today, Manmohan Singh had a bad scare. He woke up in the morning and was shocked to find a boy and 2 drunken air-hostesses sharing the bed with him.

That’s right. This is the big news right now. A boy and 2 girls driving a car managed to get into the PM's residence following some shoddy work by the security guards outside. Forget the Mumbai railways, how about having better security for the Prime Minister of our country first?

The three youngsters later explained to the police that all they wanted to do was meet the Prime Minister and discuss some issues. How stupid are they? If they wanted to meet the PM, what were they doing at Manmohan's residence? Sonia Gandhi's house was all the way across the street.

Consider this. How de-motivating must this be for the Lashkar-e-Taiba? They take all the trouble of planning for months to assassinate the PM when all they had to do was turn up drunk in a car and request for an unscheduled appointment. They must be kicking themselves.

On top of this, President Abdul Kalam is going to be visiting J&K in the next two days. I don't want to be pessimistic but if our security services are going to be as ineffective as this, we might as well declare Monday a national holiday and start the mourning process rightaway.

The Indo-US nuclear deal agreement. LK Advani has made a statement that the deal is not in India's interests. This confirms it. The deal is definitely in India's (read Congress') interests and therefore against BJP's interests.

Another shocking scandal. Tour De France winner Floyd Landis has failed a drugs today and may be stripped of his medal. Wait............Let me correct myself. This is NOT at all shocking. Totally normal. A Tour deFrance winner without drug abuse? What would happen to the great tradition?

When asked about this, Landis' request to the press was - 'I would like to be assumed innocent until proven guilty'. (He will be taking another test next week). I am sorry dude, but that’s not how it works in the Tour de France. Here, you are assumed guilty until proven innocent.

The Al Qaeda have released a tape warning that they will not stand by idly and watch the Israelis bomb Lebanon. Of course not. The poor guys are feeling left out. All these missiles and rockets and bombings........its all too tempting for the Al Qaeda.......they want a piece of the action too........this is their thing!!!!

American Idol winner Taylor Hicks will be meeting with President Bush at the White House tomorrow. Hmmm.........is this is what Bush needs right now? Hanging around guys who have a higher approval rating than him? (Hicks got more than 40 million votes during the final episode of the show).

This shows that writers often say stupid things. Famous author Paolo Coelho of 'The Alchemist' fame has come out and said that football and events like the World Cup will re-unite the world again. Really? I don’t know if he was living in some other planet, but I have two words for him - Zizou. Head-butting.

Big heat wave in California right now. It was so hot in the day that Jay Leno actually taped the Tonight Show during the night for once.

Headlines : 26th July, Wednesday

2006-07-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

A humid and sultry day in Chennai. People were sweating like a US ‘mole’ stuck for three days in a 50-foot pit.

Speaking of which, Jaswant Singh is hogging the headlines claiming that he knew of a US ‘mole’ in the cabinet during PV Narasimha Rao’s regime. So there was a traitor in the cabinet. Big deal. A corrupt politician? Someone who sells his country for money in the government? Yeah, we have never had THAT before in this country…….

And why not? How difficult would it have been? Have you seen Narasimha Rao at work? The guy was half-asleep all the time. All that a spy had to do was dress himself in whites and learn a few expletives. And he would be right at home with the others in the cabinet.

Update on the Mumbai blasts. Three local residents of Maharashtra have now offered to help in the probe. They don’t have any clues or suspects or any clear idea as to how to proceed further. But they still want to be part of the investigations. Which is perfect. They fit right in with the Mumbai police.

Two cops in J & K have been arrested for allegedly helping Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorists. I am actually happy on hearing this. We know that we are on our way to winning the war on terror when the terrorists are so desperate that they need help from OUR jawans.

More bad news. 4 UN observers in Beirut were killed when an Israeli bomb went off in their vicinity. This was in spite of them making several warning calls to Israel about their presence there. Unfortunately, this is what happens if you are a member of the UN - no one listens to you!!

Germany is going to open to researchers an archive of Nazi files that describe how the Holocaust was carried out on the Jews. What great timing.........as if the Israelis are not mad enough already...........look at them having a go at Beirut with all those missiles!!!!!!

Saddam Hussein has requested the court to shoot him with a firing squad if he was found guilty (instead of being hung like a common prisoner). To this, George Bush’s response was – ‘Who needs a firing squad to shoot him? Just send Cheney over there…….’

Bush and the Iraqi President have agreed to move more troops to Baghdad and strengthen the capital. I guess they know the overall situation is pretty much hopeless.........why not try and control just Baghdad for the time being? Let’s start with that and try it to keep it down to under 4 blasts aday in the city - thats the short-term target.

Yesterday, Dilbert creator Scott Adams and his fiancé Shelley Mines said their 'I Do's in a yacht in San Francisco, California. Well, who would have ever thought that one would use the words Dilbert and 'I Do' in the same sentence?

The following articles by Vishwa : -)

A dude sms -ed his way into records book by sending 5.5 lakh messages with an average of 1 message every 5 seconds. He even sent many such SMS to TRAI people, but they being government officials never picked up their phone. The frequency of SMS made the sms alert sound like ringtone.

Talking of SMS, it is likely that you may stumble across one of those SMS of DPS genre. The only difference being this can be a bit from some Mallu porn movie and the actors being the chief priest of shabarimala. Coincidentally Jayamala said it was the crowd that pushed her into this act.

Guess India's national game. It is 20 questions. Let us wait and see whether our PM succeeds in finding out the famous personality… or the infamous mole rather.

Nepal's king has found a new way to empty the national treasury, which even Laloo didn't come across. Online gambling. But what he doesn't know is that Clinton was on the other side and wanted to king to bet on Maneisha Koirala.

Headlines : 24th July, Monday

2006-07-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I saw an unusual Wanted Ad in the newspaper. It said – ‘Guys with any kind of experience in handling a gun wanted. Preferably with some brains. Your criminal record will not be held against you. Guaranteed’. It was an ad run by the Mumbai police.

That’s right. In a last ditch effort, the Mumbai police is recruiting some of its suspended officers with notorious reputations to help them with the investigations. You know what this means? The guys we have right now are the good ones!!!!!

The boy ‘Prince’ who was stuck in the pit since Friday was finally rescued. Its odd but the first thing he asked on coming out of the pit was – ‘Is Sachin playing in the tour of Sri Lanka or not?’

It was a harrowing experience for the boy. For over two days, he was stuck in a dark hole all alone. He was fed with biscuits and fruits sent down with a rope and spent most of his time crying. Basically, the same thing that Saddam Hussein went through days before he was captured by the US troops.

Speaking of whom, Saddam is now in hospital following his hunger strike which lasted over 2 weeks. Apparently, he did not like the prison food which mainly consisted of dry oats, diluted milk, carrots and water all the time. Hey! – If it’s good enough for a supermodel, it’s good enough for a guy in jail.

In a related subject, the contestant from Puerto Rico who won the Miss Universe crown spectacularly fainted on stage and was carried away to the hospital. What happened was the one of the judges asked her about the person she most admires and would like to emulate…. APART FROM MOTHER THERESA!!!!
She was totally unprepared for this last minute change in plans and fainted while desperately trying to think up some other name.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Lebanon on an unannounced trip to show that the US is concerned about the situation. Wow…..you can rest assured that things are not in good shape if the US feels that things need to calm down a bit.

Initially, the homeless and starving people in Beirut were told that the US is sending rice over to Lebanon. Only on hindsight did they realize that they were duped – it was not food supplies that would be arriving later that day.

Back to India. In a CNN-IBN poll, it has been found that more than 52 percent of the people feel that Manmohan has done a good job as PM but Sonia Gandhi would have done better. Worryingly, Manmohan Singh is one among the 52 percent who think so!!!

Even worse, he only emerged as the fourth favourite among poll participants as to whom they thought was the best candidate to be the PM right now. He was behind Sonia, Krrish and Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

Microsoft is now developing its own digital music player to rival the Apple I-pod by year end. If the Windows Vista development process is anything to go by, Steve Jobs has nothing to worry about for the next three years.

Week in Review : 23rd June, Sunday

2006-07-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello people….am back. If you couldn’t view this page last week, it’s probably because of the Indian Govt.’s bizarre decision to block blogger.com. (Also, you may not have had an internet connection, which can have the same effect).

The reason for this mindless initiative was supposedly to prevent terrorists involved in the Bombay blasts from communicating with each other through blogs. Looks as if the plan worked…….no blasts in the last 3 days!!!!

There was uproar in the country from citizens who felt that the right to free speech and expression was being curtailed by this move. They even raised a formal protest with the Prime Minister. Makes prefect sense. If there is one person who knows what it is to be without the freedom of free speech and expression right now, it is Manmohan Singh.

When he heard about this, even Zinadine Zidane agreed that this was a remarkably foolish and outrageous thing to have done!!!! :-)))

Let’s review what else happened this week………

The Bombay blasts investigation is going on. We have arrested around 4 people so far. More then 200 killed and just 4 arrests after 10 days? Is this the best they can do? I am sorry to say this but the Bombay police definitely showed far greater agility and interest in the Rakhi Sawant - Mika lip biting episode.

And more disappointment. A high profile Lashker-e-Taiba terrorist named Tunda arrested in Kenya turned out to be some other guy. The Kenyan police are embarrassed at raising a false alarm. On the plus side, it is comforting to note that there are police far sloppier and inefficient than ours out there.

Israel is now into a full fledged war with the Hezbollah in Lebanon. It’s just been raining missiles and bombs in Beirut. The city is all blood and gore – In fact, Quentin Tarantino is actually considering making his next movie there.

The war in Lebanon has been going on for around two weeks now with no end in sight. So much so that yesterday, American Vice President Dick Cheney said – ‘This is taking far too long if you ask me….even by OUR standards…..’

The only people happy that Israel is in Lebanon are the Palestinian Hamas. They are getting a much-deserved break from all the action for the time being….

Following all the bombings in Lebanon, several hundred Indians have made their way back to India in the last few days. And why not? It’s not like we have been having any major bombing incidents here in this country…..it’s been all quiet and peaceful here recently, isn’t it?

Something unusual. A young boy named ‘Prince’ has been stuck in a 50-feet deep pit in Kurukshetra, Haryana since Friday. Wow……. If memory serves me right, the last prince who got himself into a deeper hole in Kurukshetra was Duryodhana all those years ago…..

This was on TV the whole day……..It’s been more than 48 hours and we still can’t rescue a child from a pit in this modern age? Who is in charge of the operation? FEMA??

Tiger Woods is on the verge of winning the British Open Championships today. You know what’s the difference between Woods and the kid ‘Prince’?
The kid is the one in the hole while Woods is hoping for a hole-in-one.

Yesterday, George Bush was watching the Tour de France and went – ‘Damn!!!.... Those oil prices are way too high all right. Look at all these people on the roads in their bi-cycles…’

Speaking of whom, Bush was involved in a sex scandal at the G-8 summit. He was caught on tape giving a back rub to the German Chancellor Angela Merkel when she was least expecting it. When Bill Clinton saw this on CNN, he admiringly remarked – ‘Classy move….’

A microphone also picked up President Bush swearing with a mouth full of food while talking to British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the Summit. When the press asked him why he used that particular expletive, his reply was – ‘I did no such thing. All I said was ‘shit’. Nothing too explosive about that…..’

Headlines : 17th July, Monday

2006-07-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

The G8 summit is being held in Russia this time. It is so cold there that the other leaders are slowly realising the wisdom of wearing a huge turban to cover you head and ears.

The PM is really keen on speaking his mind out at the G8 summit. You know, express himself. Obviously. He hardly gets a chance to that when he is with Sonia or the Allies of the UPA government. This is going to be a refreshing change for him.

Manmohan Singh's main agenda at the summit is to blast Pakistan for supporting terrorism with a strongly worded speech. That’s good. Meanwhile, the Pakistanis are actually going about blasting trains and buildings all over India. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

In fact, our PM spoke personally to the US President George Bush and requested him to help India in the war against terror. When he said terror, he was of course referring to the DMK and the Left parties.

Speaking of Bush...........he said at a press conference that he was very happy to be in Russia. He also expressed a desire to visit the USSR if possible since he heard it was somewhere close by.

Update on the blasts. The Anti-Terrorist Squad has said that forensic reports reveal the use of RDX in the seven blasts that rocked Mumbai. Great. Let’s summarise the progress in the investigations. So far, we have established that there were 7 blasts and explosives like RDX were used to do it. Wow! Amazing speed and intelligence indeed…..the next step is to determine if any humans set off the bombs or it just was the handiwork of some excitable rhesus monkeys.

Pakistan has responded to criticism by saying that there are absolutely no terrorists in its grounds. I am sure there aren’t. All those bastards are over here in India once their training in Pakistan was over.

Here’s a disturbing trend. Fewer and fewer students are opting for science courses in Universities these days in India. But then, does it really matter? Our rockets and satellites are destined to end up in the Bay of Bengal anyways……..doesn’t matter who is doing the honours, right?

Israel is continuing with its bombing of Lebanon for the sixth day. This is to save two kidnapped soldiers by the Hezbollah in Lebanon. Wow…….the Jews never had it so good. There was a time when millions of them were killed together and no one raised their voice. Now, you touch one of them and Boom!!! – you better watch out mister.

This is priceless. In an unusual prayer for world peace, around 3000 residents of Poovalur village in TN, performed marriage to two donkeys in the ancient Sri Thirumoola Natha Swamy Temple. How much stupider can we get? By my calculations, there were not 2 but 3002 asses at the wedding.

Weird News Stories : 16th July, Sunday

2006-07-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

(These are actual news stories from around the world btw)

A patient in Dallas who was wearing an oxygen mask tried to light a cigarette in his hospital room, sparking a fire that forced the evacuation of more than 100 patients, destroyed the room and melted medical equipment, officials said.…..I wonder why he was in the hospital in the first place……..hopefully not for lung cancer…… he seems to be doing himself no favors whatsoever in the treatment process so far.

A German scientist has created the world's smallest soccer pitch — so minute that 20,000 of them could fit onto the tip of a human hair. Wow…..that’s just amazing. But too bad for Ronaldo. I don’t think he will fit inside this stadium. He has trouble getting into the normal ones these days with all the excess fat. This is just off-limits for him.

A 61-year-old German on trial for theft got himself into more trouble when he stole a bunch of keys from the judge during his court hearing, police said. I am not a genius or something but is this really the best way to suck up to the guy who has your fate in his hands? Can you imagine the Judge about to rule in this guy’s favor? ‘The court hereby declares the defendant as not guilty……….hey!!! Wait a minute…..where the hell is my hammer…….I can’t do this without my hammer…….and what is that bulge in the defendant’s pants?......... I just hope it’s not what I think it is ………or there will be hell to pay for…….

An official in charge of controlling litter in Youngstown, Ohio has been accused of littering up his own property. How embarrassing is that? Now, everyone in the town knows…….This guy goes up to a kid and says – “Hey little fella, pick up that Pepsi can you just threw on the sidewalk” and pat comes the reply - “Look who’s talking……..its the empty-beer-bottles-in-the-front-lawn guy………how’s THAT situation coming along Mr. Spick-n-span?”.

A woman in Oregon who called 911 to get "the cutest cop I've seen" has been arrested on charges of misuse of the emergency dispatch system. Come on, let’s be reasonable. She probably had this party she needed to go to and was stood up by her boyfriend at the last minute. If this isn’t an emergency, then what is? Just cut her some slack. The term ‘Emergency’ is very subjective and can be interpreted in more ways than one.

A 13-year-old boy spent about $2 million from a school computer buying a helicopter, a jet and other items over the Internet using a password belonging to a friend's mother. Can you imagine the look on the woman’s face when she gets her credit card bill at the end of the month? She would be like – “Let me have a look………Shoes-100 dollars……..fine……..microwave – 35 dollars………cool……….Helicopter – 1.5 million dollars............what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When did I buy that? I don’t recall buying that…….let me check this again…………..no way………..you GOTTO be kidding me.

Headlines : 14th July, Friday

2006-07-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

Another hot day in Chennai. People were sweating like the Mumbai police Commissioner answering media queries about the bombings.

The Police made their first big move in the Mumbai bombing case. They have arrested John Abraham when he was out partying with his girlfriend Bipasha. He has been charged with being in pocession of a sex bomb.

But seriously, its been two days since the incident and there's hardly been any progress. But then ,do any of us really expect the police to catch the people responsible for all this? That would shake up the country more than the actual bombings, wouldn't it? You tell someone - ' There was a bombing incident in Place A - more than 400 dead'. 'Oh, really? ' *Yawn.* And then - ' The police managed to catch the culprits today'. 'What !!!!!!!!! No way.....must be some mistake.......you are kidding right? Please tell me you are kidding............this cant be happening'.

Pak President Pervez Musharraf has promised to give all the assistance he can. Not for us. To the terrorists. He was the one who sponsored their flight tickets to Bombay in the first place.

You know, it must be tough being the Pak President. Each time you have to act all sad and surprised when there are bombings in India. His mouth is saying ' My sincere condolences to the Indian people' while his mind is thinking ' Just wait for the Delhi fireworks next month, you fools !! '.

Today our PM Manmohan Singh was in Mumbai. You know, he is one person who is not bothered that the people in Mumbai are supposedly very rude. He's faced much worse during UPA meetings......much worse. He's used to it by now. Totally immune.

He said at a press conference that the peace process is stalled as long as Pakisan continues to support the terrorists. Peace process - lets see.......We had the Mumbai blasts yesterday - a day earlier we had 4 blasts in kashmir - last month we had the Ahmedabad RDX explosions ...........
Is it just me or is the phrase 'peace process' supposed to indicate the opposite trend?

A lot has been made of the fact that the explosions took place from 6.00 - 6. 30 PM, which is supposedly the peak hours. With more than 400 people crammed into each tiny compartment. On the other hand, had the explosions taken place at 11.00 PM in the night........there would still be 400 people in those compartments. Who are we kidding? Lets face it, its always jam-packed in Mumbai.

The Stock markets are down again. Obviously with the bombings and all. I guess this is not the kind of 'boom' in the economy investors were looking for.

But you know what's the difference between the Sensex and Rahul Mahajan?
Rahul will get high again in the near future.

The Israel madness. The Israelis are now bombing both Lebanon and Palestine. The reason ? To save that one soldier of theirs who has been abducted. When he heard this, George Bush was like - ' Hey, even I managed to come up with a better excuse when we invaded another country.............'

Headlines : 13th July, Thursday

2006-07-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

The good news first. Mumbai is back on its feet. The city has shown remarkable strength of spirit and character. Today, people were carrying on with their daily lives as if nothing had happened. Must have been a slap in the face of the terrorists who orchestrated these explosions. Those bastards are probably thinking - 'How rude !!!'

Even more amazingly, kids in Mumbai were all back in school the very next day. That's right. For one thing, they preferred listening to boring lessons in Algebra rather than sit at home and watch the million (so-called) News Channels play the gory images of people dying over and over again.

Our PM Manmohan Singh has saluted the people of Mumbai and the sense of friendship and togetherness they expressed during the tragedy. Afterall, if there is one person who knows what it is like to be without friends right now, it is our Prime Minister.

Sonia was in Mumbai to offer her support. She condemned those who carried out this dastardly act. She said - "Why can't the terrorists just blow up people in Kashmir as usual? That’s the agreement, isn't it? They can have their fun in Kashmir and no one has any issues.........Now they want to start doing it all over the country? This cannot be pardoned."

Lalu Yadav has offered to anything he can do to help. That’s sweet. But is that what we need at this juncture? Lalu fooling around out with the investigation and relief operations? Incidentally, this is the biggest disaster to happen to the Indian Railways since Lalu Prasad took over as the Railway Minster.

As expected, the Mumbai police have no idea who is behind these attacks. So far, their suspects include the ever-present Lashkar-e-Taiba and an old man found commuting ticketless in the Ladies compartment.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram has assured everyone that the blasts will definitely not pull the economy down. Of course, not. His shoddy economic policies and the constant bickering from the Congress' allies have taken care of that already.

The Israelis must be crazy. They are now bombing Lebanon as well as Palestine for that one soldier. More and more violence. What’s wrong with these Jews? I am starting to wonder if Hitler was right all along…….

A refreshing change in the behaviour of members of the TN Assembly today. There was no throwing of mikes or slippers. They were just head-butting the hell out of each other.

Zidane has now apologised for his infamous head-butting incident. Especially to the millions of children who were watching the world cup on TV. All that’s fine but isn’t he forgetting the millions of children who are seeing the clip on Youtube ? And the millions of children who got it through e-mail forwards? And the children watching the repeat telecast on ESPN at the Neverland ranch?

Entertainment news. 'The Pirates of the Caribbean' have done well all around the world and made millions of dollars. But the sad part. When they tried to come to India, they got hit by a falling ISRO satellite and sunk without a trace into the Bay of Bengal.

The following articles by Boston :-)

It is again one of those hopeless losers bombing innocent civilians in trains again, never realising that killing people is not going to change anything!
Why don’t these guys try something innovative, like blowing up the Railway minister if someone is unhappy about Indian Railways, Education Minister for a better Education system, Petroleum minister for lower fuel prices and blow up the Defense minister if he keeps blowing up the satellites. The good thing is the new minister who replaces these dead ones is sure not to commit a mistake for life!

Michael Dell's stress on an explosive growth for his company has confused the company's stakeholders with a recent incident where a Dell Laptop exploded Obviously, Mr. Dell was "being true to his words".

Headlines : 12th July, Wednesday

2006-07-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

We all know what was dominating the News headlines. There will be no post for today.

Headlines : 11th July, Tuesday

2006-07-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

It rained in the evening here in Chennai. I had plans after work but was stuck inside and had to wait for the rain to stop before I could go out and do my thing. It was so frustrating. But to be honest, this is the closest I have come to experiencing what it feels like to be Roger Federer at Wimbledon.

But in the afternoon, it was actually very hot and humid. People were sweating like Manmohan Singh searching for a friendly face at the cabinet meeting.

That’s right. The PM's situation is dire - he has no friends within his party and his allies are trying to pull him down. He must be feeling like a contestant on 'The Apprentice' right now.

In fact, rumors were flying recently that Manmohan Singh is quitting due to the setbacks in the Govt.'s disinvestment plans. It's almost as if he cares about India's economic progress. No wonder the Congress is worried. It has a leader whose first priority is not keeping all its allies happy. Scary.

Today, I saw a shooting star in the sky on my way home and made a wish. Later, I read in the news that it was just the INSAT 4C crashing into the ocean in a hurry.

Our INSAT 4C satellite is a failure. Moments after its launch, it steered off its path, self-destructed and the debris fell into the sea. Good thing we have a spacious dumping ground for our rockets and satellites - the Bay of Bengal.

Two unsuccessful rocket and missile launches in two days.............did we get them made in Sivakasi by a bunch of 10-year old kids or something ?

I guess INSAT stands for ' INto the Sea in A Trice'.

ISRO Chairman Madhavan Nair was in a state of shock and pain when he spoke to press about the mishap. He looked as if he had just been head-butted by someone :-)

Israel is continuing its heavy bombing of the Gaza strip for more than a week now. The strip is so badly damaged by the bombings that today, people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki were going – ‘We got off lightly, man….’

The amazing part is that Israel is doing all this to save one soldier!!! Compare this to India. 10 Jawans died yesterday in Kashmir and the Times of India dint even bother reporting it.

A study has revealed that certain mushrooms can produce drugs that can lead to psychedelic experiences in the user. Can you believe that? Mushrooms. Today, Rahul Mahajan was like - ' NOW you guys are telling me...............".

Posthumously released letters reveal that Einstein had a very active love life. Shocking, isn’t it? He had half-a-dozen girlfriends at one point!!!! He must have had a lot of tough decisions to make at times. Like whether to continue with his research on sub-nuclear particles or make out with Minerva in the kitchen instead.

This is amazing. A Russian farmer has formally asked President Vladimir Putin to allow him to marry a cow. Seems silly but also makes a lot of sense. A cow is never going to ask him “Do I look fat?” all the time. And in case of a divorce, all he needs to give as alimony is a few balls of hay.

The following article by Boston :-)

It is "Fall" season in India, Share prices falling, Agni III falling, GSLV falling and Tamilnadu MLAs falling (on Mummy's feet).

Headlines : 10th July, Monday

2006-07-10T07:30:00.001-07:00

Football fever all over the world yesterday. It was the Final of the FIFA World cup in Germany. Even Indians were swept in by the craze. Hundreds of thousands of people in Delhi and Bombay were up all night. Not watching the finals.............due to the long power cuts. They just couldn't go to sleep.

The Italians have won the World Cup. The mega event is finally over. Indians all over the country were out in the streets celebrating. They need not listen to Harsha Bhogle talking about football till 2010 at least.

Zinedine Zidane was sent-off during extra-time after he got a red card for brutally head-butting an Italian player. I don't think it makes a big difference to him. Zizu was supposed to retire after this match anyway.............he was forced to retire 10 minutes earlier than he would liked, that's all.

On the plus side, Zidane has won the Golden Ball award for being the best player at the World Cup. I am not sure about this, but I have a feeling some of the members in the voting panel were not too keen on getting head-butted themselves :-)

An Al Qaeda member was arrested in Germany yesterday. Poor guy, he was just watching the football finals. What were the odds of that happening? They finally nab an Al Qaeda guy and turns out he is totally harmless.

The headlines are screaming it - ' The King of Grass' , ' He's done itagain' , ' Totally in command on grass' and so on. To make it clear, this is about Rahul Mahajan............... not Federer winning Wimbledon for the 4th time.

Speaking of whom.........Rahul Mahajan is getting married people. To a girl from Gurgaon. She is an airline pilot. So she knows what it is to get real 'high' and does it everyday. This is perfect for him.

The marriage is going to be a low-key affair which will be attended only by family and close friends. They are having it inside the jail premises to make it easier for all family members to attend.

Our Agni-III launch was a massive failure. The missile hardly flew 500 kms before ending up in the sea. Even Krrish can fly longer than that without taking a bathroom break.

Today, a Pakistan Airlines passenger plane crashed within 10 minutes of take-off in Multan. Embarrassingly for India, it was up in the air longer than the Agni-III missile!!!

An Italian judge has ruled that a mafia boss serving a life sentence for murder should be allowed to father a baby through artificial insemination. Sure.....lets do this. This is just the kind of DNA we want to save in our society's gene pool, isn't it?

The Sunday Spiritual Column : 9th July Remembering the Buddha

2006-07-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Gautama Buddha. One of the greatest spiritual masters to emerge from India. Historians claim that he was the founder of Buddhism, since that seemed most logical to them. The name Buddha, which means 'The Awakened One', was bestowed upon him when a barking dog disturbed his slumber one winter night. Taking that as a spiritual cue, he proceeded to leave his home and family in search of the ULTIMATE TRUTH. And also the dog that woke him up. But, let’s start from the beginning.

Buddha was born a prince to King Suddhodhana in the state of Kosala in 500 BC. He was named 'Siddhartha' by his parents, which means the 'One who Lives Forever', (as long as he didn’t get the bird flu). During the birth celebrations, the court astrologer announced that the baby was destined to become a great king or a great holy man. He would be diabetic either way. His father, wishing for Gautama to be a great king, shielded his son from any knowledge of human suffering. He was not told about the horror of death or even burnt toast,for that matter. He thus grew up merrily with his friends making fun of the Sanskrit language and mocking damsels who kept flowers in their hair for no apparent reason.

At the age of 21, he got married to Yashodhara, who was very beautiful but kept calling him 'Sid', which was too hip for those times. She was a good wife and they soon had a son. Rahula grew up to be exactly like his father; in that he too was firmly convinced that Sanskrit grammar was written by someone with a poor sense of humour. (Rahula later became a famous scholar. His deepest desire was to translate Kalidasa's 'Meghdootam' to Pali - something that did not amuse the aged Kalidasa who had written it in Pali to begin with).

As fate would have had it, one day while venturing outside of his palace, Gautama saw an old crippled man (old age), a diseased man (illness), a decaying corpse (death), and an ascetic. He got inspired by the ascetic, who, strangely enough, had a beard so long that he kept tripping himself on it while walking. Siddhartha was firmly convinced that there was no point in living a worldly life anymore, given that his broadband connection was not all that fast either. Without telling anyone, he left the palace in the night with no pocessions. He lived the life of a wandering monk for two years before it struck him that he could have asked someone for directions.

He dedicated his life to learning how to overcome the causes of human suffering. Or a strong headache, at the least. He meditated constantly and although he achieved high levels of meditative consciousness, he felt something was lacking. He got himself a deer-skin mat to meditate on, which seemed a good idea till the deer woke up. That was when he learnt his first big lesson in life. He then began living an ascetic life and practicing vigorous techniques of physical and mental austerity. He once stood upside down for 3 days at a stretch but had to give it up since taking bath was becoming a challenge. Finally, he gave up all efforts and got enlightened while sitting under a Bodhi tree. From that day, he was known as the ‘The Great One’ and the ‘One who Knows Everything’, apart from where Bin Laden is right now.

He gathered a few disciples around him and started giving sermons on Dharma. According to the law of Dharma, one should always live a life of total righteousness and truth, unless you were playing a game of poker with high stakes. He emphasized that he was not a God and there was no God in fact. He soon earned a reputation for being an atheist just because he said there was no God. Once, one of his disciples claimed that he had not only seen God but also had a cup of tea with him. The Buddha said – “Prove it”. The disciple then realised his mistake and left for the forest where he spent the rest of his days sneaking up on tigers and yelling ‘Boo’. The Buddha advised everyone to meditate sincerely and achieve ‘Nirvana’, which was a handy state to be in if you couldn’t afford good clothes. For more than 40 years, he gave discourses to the disciples who bothered to stay awake during these sessions and take down notes. Among his famous discourses are the ones on the Four Noble Truths, the Noble Eightfold Path and the Twelve Noble Players who would win France the Football World Cup.

At the age of 80, the Buddha announced that he would soon be leaving his body and entering a state of deathlessness. Deathlessness, he said, was the same as being eternal, but one could live ten more years in the former condition. The Buddha then had his final meal and laid down on his bed and passed away. His final words were, "All worldly things pass away. Strive for your salvation with diligence. And never accept candy from strangers."

Thus ended the life of one of India’s greatest spiritual masters who was never charge-sheeted by the CBI in his lifetime. Peace.

Headlines : 8th July, Saturday

2006-07-08T01:24:00.000-07:00

A couple of sharks swimming in the Sea of Japan have achieved something that George Bush and the US army have failed to in the last 2 years.
They actually found some Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) floating alongside them while doing their daily laps.

That's right. North Korea has test fired 7 long range ballistic missiles in the last 2 days. But they all failed midway and landed in the Sea of Japan. Hmm.......several long range missiles fired.......all failed and misdirected...........sounds like Roberto Carlos' and Brazil's story in the World Cup doesn't it?

Everyone’s worried that North Korea has nuclear weapons. The UN is preparing its response. It is sending a team of 5 International delegates to NorthKorea. They are expected to return back 2 days later when the North Korean President laughs in their face and asks them to go eat pudding. As usual.

You know what's common to singer Madonna and the UN?
They are both international bodies that no one listens to anymore.

North Korea is actually threatening the US with a nuclear war. How ironic would it be if they attacked America right now with most of the US troops busy in Iraq raping and shooting local Muslim women?

Back to India. The IITs have screwed up their admission process. Nearly 4,000 students are likely to lose the seats promised to them due to some technical software hitch. The quota system is not even begun and 4,000 are on the losing end already……not a good sign…..

I guess IIT stands for ‘Institute for Incompetent Technology’.

After the court decision to stay Venugopal’s dismissal, the doctors promptly ended their strike and abandoned their protests. Wow……we have so many strikers who know how do get the job done……ever wonder why we don’t all that well in football?

I think AIIMS stands for ‘Always Involved In Monthly Strikes’.

Rumours are that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has quit office over the UPA government's volte-face on disinvestment with the NLC. I think this is childish. Why does he have to bring in the concept of principles each time into the decision making process? If he is going to behave like this for every politically based move, he could fast become an embarrassment to all politicians in the country…..

The PMO has officially denied the rumours. “They are all false reports. Absolutely not true. All is well with the PM and the Congress”…………..which probably means the rumours are cent percent spot on!!!!!

Lalu Yadav may soon be in the curriculum in Harvard due to his work as the Railway Minister. Well………if you thought Kavya ruined India’s reputation at Harvard, just wait for a Lalu to make his mark…..

Headlines : 5th July, Wednesday

2006-07-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's monsoon madness in Mumbai. The heavy rains continue on and on.....It was so bad that even the Doordarshan weather report was right for once. It had predicted heavy rains !!!

It is so bad that even people in coastal Orissa were making fun of Bombay-ites :-)

Today, Rahul Mahajan was seen at a Drug-store……buying Coldact.

Himesh Reshammiya is really worried about getting wet in the rain. He says – “I have a song recording today. Hope I don’t catch a cold……it might make me sound nasal…” : - ))

AIIMS Director Dr P Venugopal has been ousted from his post for violating the code of conduct. Apparently, his doctors and students were going on too many strikes. And guess what has happened now…..they have gone on another strike. Talk about cutting a problem at its roots…..

You know what’s common to the Director of AIIMS and a Baseball hitter?
In both cases, the rule is the same - Three strikes and you are out.

Onto the Lankan crisis. India has urged Sri Lanka to revive talks with the LTTE and solve their problems. Talks, indeed. Look how well it has worked for India and Pakistan with the Kashmir issue. All these years of holding”talks” and a woman in Srinagar still can't go shopping without having the potatoes in her vegetable bag exploding all of a sudden......

Shocking news. Sania has announced her retirement from tennis. She says - "I feel I can't compete with the other players anymore......I just keep getting knocked out in the first round and its kinda embarrassing. I have had enough."
Oops, sorry ......that was Martina Navratilova, not Sania.......Martina announcing her retirement .........got the two mixed up.

A funny incident at Wimbledon yesterday. During the Sharapova match, a guy took off his pants and hopped into centre court after evading the security guys. Apparently, he was misled when the Chair Umpire said ' New balls please' into the mike.

Hear this. Pervez Musharaff apparently had plans to use nuclear weapons against India during the Kargil war. But he backed out when he has warned that there was a good chance Bipasha Basu might also get killed in the process if they went ahead with it.

On his 4th of July speech, President Bush gave the Americans a rousing message. He assured them that the enemy is vulnerable, on the run and without a clear leadership…………..of course, he was talking about the Democrats here.

A sad thing. Many Iraq war veterans who have returned to the US are now apparently finding it hard surviving and are broke and homeless. At least, when they were in Iraq, they got to sleep in the hut of the woman they had just raped……….now, they have neither sex nor shelter.

Headlines : 4th July, Tuesday

2006-07-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

Heavy rains for the third straight day in Bombay. Everyone was stuck indoors. But they still managed to be rude to each other over phone.

In contrast, Delhi has been facing soaring temperatures of 40 degrees !!!!!On top of this, people are faced with 8 hour long power cuts daily.....poor guys, I guess this is what they call 'capital punishment'.

Even after his battling win with the Arcelor bid, Lakhsmi Mittal doesn't regard himself as an 'Alexander' (metaphorically speaking). Well, sure. Considering that he has just shelled out $35 Billion, he is a lot more like Diogenes right now.............you know, wondering where his next meal is coming from :-)

The Union Ministry is proposing to build a bullet-proof structure around some of the idols in Ayodhya. Really? Do we need to do this?..........How about not using guns inside the temple for a change? I think that would work too. We can have a sign outside - ' Please leave footwear and fire-arms here before entering'. I have faith that people will respond to such gentle suggestions.

This is worrying. 5 men have been arrested in a medical exam paper leak case in Punjab. What is worrying is not the fact that they were cheating -but getting caught by the police. How clumsy were they if even the local police managed to trace them?

The Lankan issue. India is asking Sri lanka to recognise that the LTTE is running a 'de facto' government in the island. The problem - the Lankan Govt. doesn't know what 'de facto' means.

A survey has revealed that Britishers don't like Americans all that much. Looks as if the feeling could be mutual. In fact, there are no American men or women left in Wimbledon in the second week. They have all left already.

Do you know why Sania Mirza drinks Sprite and not beer?
Cause she usually gets knocked out after the first ‘round’.

A fresh report from Iraq. A US soldier has been accused of raping a local woman. And he is not the first one facing such charges. Here's my question........I don't know why Americans and Muslims can't get together..........I agree that the US got screwed by Muslims in 9/11..............but then, the Americans seems to be having a lot of fun screwing Muslims as well........its a perfect match as far as I can see.

China has completed its ambitious project of building a railroad connecting Tibet with mainland China. Well well well.............no wonder these monks are selling their Ferraris all over the place..........who wants to spend money on gas when you can just take the local train to Beijing?

A large asteroid has zipped past earth today.......thank god it didn't hit us. I can't even imagine the consequences if it had. FIFA President Sepp Blatter couldn't agree more. He says - ' This is just the sort of thing we don't need right now .......with the World Cup semi-finals coming up later in the evening'.

The following articles by Vishwa :-)

A correction in property market is around the corner. The prices are falling faster than suicide rates at vidharbha. In Delhi though, buildings themselves are falling faster than the prices.

As Mumbai reels under heavy rains, people are unable to meet each other are depressed not being able to be rude.

"We are better prepared this time" says the CM of Maharashtra. He meant he was ready with a list of excuses and responses he may give, once the whole of Mumbai submerges.

Britons see America as a cruel, vulgar, arrogant society, racially-divided, crime-ridden obsessed with money and led by an incompetent president, according to a newspaper poll. Prince Charles almost chocked himself before he cud complete the sentence. The survey was initially conducted in the Middle East and every word had to be censored.

Headlines : 3rd July, Monday

2006-07-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

It’s been raining really hard in the North. Especially in Bombay. It was so bad that Krrish had his raincoat on while chasing villains across the city.

Even Salman Khan felt there were too many people with wet shirts on the roads.

Amitabh Bachan meanwhile had a lot of fun making paper boats out of his IT notices and floating them on the streets.

What's the difference between the Sensex and NASA's space shuttle 'Discover'?
The Sensex is on its way up this week in spite of the heavy rains.

This is funny. Millions of dollars in research, and thousands of scientists- and still NASA has to defer the launch of its shuttle due to rainy conditions. Unbelievable. Is this 1965? This sounds like something NASA would have told Neil Armstrong, you know........'Sorry dude, its raining outside........how about we wait for a few days before you make your trip.........where are you going again? .........the moon, right........ok".

You know what's the best-selling book in Vidarbha right now?
'101 Ways to Commit Suicide'.

Thats right. More than 600 poor farmers in Vidarbha district have commited suicide in recent times !!!!. Until the headcount reached 600, the government was relaxed, you know. 600 was the cut-off level. Upto this point, the Govt. just assumed it was all a big coincidence : - )))

The PM's relief package for Vidarbha is around 3,500 Crores. But the BJP feels it is not satisfactory or good enough. In it's defense, the government could have allotted at least 100 Crores more had the Big B paid his taxes on time.

Did you know that Saddam Hussein's wife and daughter are on the US's most wanted list? When he heard it, Clinton was like - “Hey, they are on my most wanted list too.............. They are in the top 10, in fact ".

George Bush is turning 60 this week. Oh yes, 60 years of age. A landmark for him. His age is now greater than his IQ.

In fact, he was so pleased that he told the press – “Go ahead guys, call me an octogenarian if you want to”.

More ridiculous scenes in our courts. A donkey was brought to court by an NGO as part of a protest rally. But the sad part. Salman Khan mistakenly assumed it was a deer and shot it when in court for his hearing.

Did you read about the bear that has escaped twice from its steel cage before it could be neutered by doctors? Well.........if T Rajendar wants to have more children, I don’t think its our business to try and stop him, right?

The following articles by Vishwa :-)

Mobile phones attract lightning , if not babes to gadget gurus. That is why hutch is planning to change the color to white, and plans to use "conductivity" instead of "connectivity" as a performance parameter. The ad may now portray Benjamin Franklin following the user everywhere.

Last time I heard of Indian's very own super hero was when the movie Hanuman was released. Now they say Hrithik stars as India's own super hero. Do you think he will look cute with the tail? But there is really a true man with tail!!! Reports indicate girls are going "fida" over him.

More than 600 farmers had committed suicide in Maharashtra and only now has govt. stepped in to help them. The economist that our PM is, confused the rise in death toll with sensex and was quoted saying "our economy is prosperous in this Bull Run, we will use all the money to help poor farmers". Don't blame him that is what Sonia had asked him to say.

The following articles by Boston :-)

Mumbai has become prey to heavy rains once more. The Dabbawaalahs were concerned at their drop in service levels and reduction of efficiency by .001%. They hope for an increase in rainfall and clogged drain lines to change their mode of transport from railways to waterways.

Tamilnadu government is working fast on a new Jail complex with state of the art facilities as a replacement for Central Jail. The politbureau is confident to draw a significant number of criminals to become active in the state to make use of the facilities. Mr. Manmohan singh has thanked Sonia Gandhi for the developments and congratulated Mr. Karunanidhi for his initiatives to make TN the centre of (crime) attraction.

Headlines : 28th June, Wednesday

2006-06-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Heavy rains in the North. It was raining so hard that commuters in Bombay didn’t even have the time to be rude to each other.

That’s right. It’s the pre monsoon showers. The streets of Mumbai and Delhi are all totally water-logged. It is taking Mumbai-ites an eternity to go from point A to point B. Total chaos and confusion on the roads. Basically, another normal day in the metrop.

The people of Mumbai were finding it tough to decide which was falling harder - the rain or the Sensex.

Hamas, the Palestinian military is refusing to officially recognise the state of Israel. Forget that........... at the rate at which Israel is bombing the Gaza Strip right now, it might be tough to recognise Palestine in a few hours : - )))

That’s right. Israel is bombing the Gaza strip with an all-out military invasion. You know, tanks, missiles, planes.........the works. They are making so much noise that Ariel Sharon woke up from his coma for a few seconds in his hospital bed.

The funny part is that Israel is doing all this to save one soldier that Palestine have captured. No kidding. Saving one soldier. When he heard this, Private Ryan of the US military was like - " It has happened before, you know.........."

Infosys is proactively dealing with the reservation issue by selecting and training 100 SC / ST students who will directly join the company after that. That’s great. I am sure the SC/ ST guys are equally proficient in sitting in the 'bench' without any project as any student from the forward class.

Sachin is making his comeback to cricket by playing a few charity matches. He is feeling so good that it seems like he is 20 again. In fact, he is 22. That’s his ICC batting rank, you know. ( He has slipped out of the top 20 for the first time in 14 years.)

This is absurd. After 15 long years, the LTTE have officially confessed to having assassinated Rajiv Gandhi. Better late than never isn't it?. I hope the Big B takes this as an inspiration to pay his overdue taxes.......better late than never.

I also hope OJ Simpson is watching this and thinking - " Should I ?.....I really should, shouldn't I?........"

You know what’s the difference between M. Karunanidhi and the crew of the NASA space shuttle 'Discovery'?
The crew members of the space shuttle have been given a 1-in-a-100 chance of dying in the course of the next year.
(Of course, for MK, its 1-in-a-100 chance of surviving.)

Michael Jackson has fired his business managers in the US with immediate effect. He was quite angry. He learnt only yesterday that they were both above 18 years of age.

A study has revealed that people with heart trouble are likely to be suffering from mental depression. Oh. My .God. ...........how much more stupid are things going to get? Of course, these guys are depressed..........they just had a heart attack, you frickin fool!!!!!...........how do expect them to be? Jumping with joy? ............Who is funding these studies anyway?

Headlines : 27th June, Tuesday

2006-06-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

It was a hot day in the North. People were sweating like Hrithik Roshan watching the trailer of 'Superman Returns'.

The situation in Sri Lanka is getting out of hand. The LTTE and the government are seemingly hell bent on killing each other. I am thinking, now that Superman has made his return, how about rushing him to Lanka and making it his main priority to calm things down a bit?

Or even better, how about asking Superman to get a seat in Delhi University this year? Let me see the dude pull THAT stunt off....................

Thats right. Even with 90 % marks in their exams, students are struggling to get admission into the prestigious Delhi University. Competition is that high. To give you an idea of how the odds are stacked against these students : bookies are giving Saurav a better chance of getting his place back in the Indian team.

The CBI is now handling the sex racket scandal in Kashmir. Say what you want, but I really admire our politicians. In spite of all the bombings, the murders, the terrorists roaming about in large, the total lack of law and order, living in a state of perpetual fear.................. these guys have still managed to get themselves involved in a sex scandal involving 12 year old girls. You really have to admire them for it. You really do.

The Hyderabad Nizam has been ordered to pay his ex-wife 15 Crores in Alimony by a local court. The Nizam is understandably upset. He asks - "Why should I pay so much money for something I don't really care about? Just because the law wants me to?".............Surprisingly, that is the same logic Amitabh Bachan used in deciding not to pay his taxes to the state.

A report says that drug usage in Europe has reached alarming proportions.Worryingly, this is just from the tests done on the cyclists participating in the Tour de France next month.

Researchers have now found a slithering slimy snake that changes its colour depending on its surroundings and whichever will best help it survive. Wow.The researchers are tentatively calling it "Vaiko" till they come up with a proper scientific name.

Monks in Thailand have been giving their meditation routines a skip and are instead watching the football World Cup matches all night. I am speechless......what kind of monks are they? Not the kind you read about in books for sure......you know, the ones who sell off their Ferraris and stuff? These monks hardly seem to be from that grand tradition ..........

Potter news. JK Rowling has revealed that she plans to kill off at least two more characters in the last Harry Potter book. Rumours have it that Dick Cheney makes a guest appearance in the book. He accidentaly shoots off Ron Weasley and Hermione when the three of them go Unicorn hunting in the Enchaned Forest at Hogwarts.

Brad Pitt has been honoured for the charity work he has done in recent times. And why not? .......he deserves it. Specifically, his giving away of Jennifer Aniston to Vince Vaughan for free has been a highlight. How stupid was that?? ( Although her replacement isnt too bad either....... )

This is simply amazing. Check out the photo. A HALF-TON man in Mexico has lost 200 pounds after following a strict dietary regime. Actually...thats a bit of a stretch......all he did was skip breakfast on Friday : - ))))

Headlines : 26th June, Monday

2006-06-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

It was another hot day in the North. People were sweating like the Dutch players seeing the referee reach for his pocket.

In the World Cup, Holland has been knocked out by Portugal after the referee sent off 4 players and showed more than 20 yellow cards!!!. 20, no less. I swear, the last time I saw so many cards, David Blaine was doing his thing, harassing people on the streets.

Today the Chairman of the Wimbledon organizing committee had a mild heart attack. What happened was some prankster sneaked up behind him and shouted “Rain!!!”

That’s right. It’s Wimbledon from today people. It’s a unique event. Where else on earth do people pay hundreds of pounds to go somewhere and sit and watch the rain all day long??

The president of East Timor has resigned. Wow…..I am surprised that this even made it to the news……president of East Timor…..I am thinking that if the president of the Chennai Rotary Club retired, it would be a bigger news than this.

Mittal finally has got what he wanted with the Arcelor deal. At a cost of 34 Billion dollars!!!!!. Coincidentally, that is the exact amount Amitabh Bachan owes the Govt. in terms of unpaid taxes all these years.

The success of the deal has gone into Mittal’s head apparently. Today, while speaking to the press, he popped a couple of potatoes into his mouth and said in a low tone – “I made them an offer they couldn’t refuse………now Arcelor is part of ……The Family”.

The LTTE have rejected Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse's offer of a direct peace deal. I understand that they are actually demanding 34 Billion dollars. Mittal has obviously not set a good example for negotiators everywhere.

You know what’s ironic about Salman Khan and the LTTE situation?
The Tigers are killing humans while Salman is killing all the deer.

Writers Arundhati Roy and Vikram Seth have been issued notices by a local Madhya Pradesh court for allegedly encroaching on a tribal's land. Well well well. This is not the first time this year that an Indian writer has gotten into trouble for encroaching into someone else’s (intellectual) property.

Saddam Hussein believes that the US will beg for his help do deal with Iraq. Maybe Saddam has forgotten his current situation. The only thing he can offer the US right now is suggestions on how best they can execute him – by hanging or the electric chair.

Vice president Dick Cheney has said that pulling out of Iraq now would be the worst possible thing the US could do…..the worst......since….. Going into Iraq 2 years ago, of course.

And when Dick Cheney talks about the worst possible thing someone could do, he knows what he is talking about. Trust me :-)

This is stunning. Warren Buffet, the world’s second richest man, has decided to give away most of his wealth away in charity. Brace yourself for this……he is going to give it to none other than Bill Gates. That’s right. Bill Gates. Millions of homeless and destitute people in Somalia are going – “As long as it is to someone deserving…….”
(Jokes apart, he is actually giving it to the Gates Foundation, which is the world’s largest philanthropic organization. So it’s great.)

A survey has revealed that Moscow is the priciest city in the world. Seems it costs 20 roubles to get a pair of socks and 100 roubles to get a smile from someone.

Headlines : 22nd June, Thursday

2006-06-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

Today was a cloudy day in Chennai. People were eagerly looking up to the heavens in anticipation. Like Californian's scouring the sky for missiles from North Korea.

This is the latest worry for Bush. North Korea has developed ballistic missiles that can reach as far the west coast of the US. Hmmmm....looks as if Diwali could come a bit earlier for the millions of Indians living in the Silicon Valley.

George Bush has urged Iran to act and respond faster on the nuclear offer given to it. Rightly so. If there is one country that knows about doing things quickly, it is the US. Look at Iraq.............how quickly they have got things under control in there..........it’s just been plain sailing all the way :-)

While on the subject, more bad news for the US. 8 US army servicemen have been charged with the murder of an Iraqi civilian. Specifically, they have been accused of premeditated murder, kidnapping and conspiracy.Hehehe..........no wonder the war in Iraq is taking for ever to end.......the US needs 8 trained personnel to plot the murder of 1 innocent civilian. Controlling all the local rebels and terrorists........how long will THAT take? Just forget it...........

The Saddam trial. A shock development. Saddam's trial lawyer has been shot dead. Saddam says he has no idea why someone would do this.........really dude? No idea at all? Really?

As a sign of protest against the murder, Saddam is going to go on a hunger strike. Plus, he says the jail food is not that good. That was a factor as well apparently.

Someone clever is organising a Tirukkural Festival 2006 in Chennai. Good luck with that. Seriously, how boring a concept is this? Today, the organisers received a message from the beyond. It was Tiruvalluvar. His soul wants to be excused from attending the event.

In our country, what’s the difference between a Jumbo Jet plane and a TVS-50 bike?
You definitely need a proper license to drive the TVS-50.

That’s right. Many Airways are recruiting students without a pilot's license due to the shortage of trained pilots in the country. Don’t be surprised the next time you are in a flight and it gets delayed because the Captain still has to read the last 2 pages of the pilot's manual. 'We are sorry for the delay but the Pilot is reading as fast he can. We will take off as soon as he is done. Fingers crossed. Bon voyage ladies and gentleman'.

On the positive side, the Indian Air Force is planning to gauge the stress levels of it's pilots and find out if they are over-worked or not. If they are, the IAF is going to ask the School Principals to give the "pilots" less homework from now on.

Rahul Dravid has now completed 10 years of international cricket with the Indian team. Wow........that’s quite a feat. As far as I know, he is only Bangalorean who has stuck on to the same job for more than 6 months.

A new study has revealed that smoking can affect the brain and lead to lowered IQ levels. Come on now..........these are people who repeatedly read the ‘Smoking is injurious to health' warning and carry on smoking........how much lower can their IQ really get anyway ??

Angelina Jolie is going to make her first appearance on TV after the birth of her child. On the talk show 'Anderson Cooper 360'. But only on one condition. At the end of the show, she wants to adopt Anderson and give him a weird African name of her choice.

The following article by Srivats :-)

Indian UN head hopeful is going to find it tough to become the top man. Generally as a thumb rule the post is reserved for people with a funny name from a small country. Like Bourtros Bourtros Ghali from Egypt who was emptied from his office by US or Dag Hammarskjöld from Poland who died in a plane crash.